Three people go to a restaurant to eat. After eating, my father paid the bill, and my mother said to the waiter, "Can I pack the leftovers and take them home to feed the dog?" "Sure, please." The son next to him asked, "Do we really want to buy a dog?"

2. I dreamed of quarreling with my boyfriend. He stopped answering his phone after he slammed the door, and I couldn't get in touch. So, I opened Taobao and kept shopping. A steady stream of credit card consumption text messages finally helped me call him back.

I picked up the ticket myself at the railway station just now. I heard an uncle wearing a gold necklace say, "What's the use of reading? College students have to work for me. " I laughed after listening, and changed the language of the ticket machine to English after picking up the ticket.

My mother hasn't nagged me since I got married a few years ago. Every day, besides watching TV series, I dance square dance, and my color is obviously much better than before. This is what people often say: "Married daughter-in-law, prosperous mother"!

Don't forget to wear a mask when you go out in foggy weather, or you will be seriously injured. I know this very well. I forgot to wear a mask when I went out today, and I was recognized by my creditors and beaten up on the way!

6. My colleague has a pair of twin daughters named Dabao and Bao Xiao, and Bao Xiao is always bullied by Dabao ... One day, my colleague explained to the two daughters what caring is and gave them an example to explain what to do if Dabao falls down. Bao Xiao replied without hesitation: "Run, step on your foot, or I won't hit her when she gets up."

I just saw a dog shit in the street. A friend of mine said: Give me a hundred dollars and I will lick it. I immediately gave him a hundred dollars, and the goods really licked ... that one hundred dollars.

8. There are no cigarettes. You can light another cigarette. If there is no wine, you can pour another one. If you lose the game, you can start a new game. With your girlfriend gone, you can always smoke, drink and play games. How nice!

I went to work today. A colleague looked pale and asked me, Do you believe in ghosts? I always feel that my neck is pinched by an invisible force. Are you possessed by ghosts! I looked: your sweater is on backwards. ...

Tenuto suddenly had a stomachache after eating today. My classmates invited me to go shopping together. I said, "No, I feel a little sick." Classmate: "Really? I have long thought you are disgusting! "

In the past, doctors would happily say to pregnant women, "Congratulations on your pregnancy." Now the doctor will say, "You are pregnant, do you want children or not?" This is the change of the times!

Twelve. I practiced yoga these two days, pulled my leg and walked with a little limp. On my way home from work today, I met two handsome guys selling products. One of them wanted to come up and recommend me, and another handsome guy grabbed him. I was a little confused, and then I walked on, and I heard that handsome guy say, don't lie to the disabled!

Thirteen. Why can you sleep for beauty? Because if you sleep too much, you will get fat, and your skin will be propped up, which will make you feel tight.

Fourteen. The husband sent a message to his wife on a business trip: "Are you asleep?" "Go to sleep!" "Wife, you are too naughty." "Your wife is really asleep!" "Who are you, believe it or not? I will kill you now! " "I'm her mother!"

Fifteen. I recently started to lose weight and got up in the morning to weigh myself.

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32.

7 kg, and then confidently go to the bathroom to open it and weigh it afterwards.

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33 Jin. Then the son next to you: Dad, I feel that you are going to eat shit, not to shit. I ...

16. I advise all my friends to be crisp and neat when rejecting someone who likes them, let her go and don't think about leaving a spare tire. Just like me, if she hadn't blacklisted all my contact information, I might not give up now.

17. What do men fear most? Woman! What does that woman fear most? Afraid of everything except men!

Eighteen. There is a piece on the ground 100, and my son wants to pick it up. I taught him, "You can't have anything that isn't yours." The son said, "I picked it up, so it's mine?" I'm speechless!

19. I went to a community to find friends and got a little lost. I walked up to a child and asked, "Little Beauty, do you know which building it is?" The little girl said happily to the little boy around her, "Look, some people say I'm beautiful, but you still say I'm ugly?" The little boy gave me a look: "Of course she called you a beauty, because she is uglier than you." I ......

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10. I went to the cemetery with my wife. Because I left in a hurry, I found that I didn't have any money, so I let my wife buy it! I was sitting there smoking alone when a couple came! They asked me: What are you doing sitting here alone? I didn't even think about it: I was waiting for my wife to send me money! I was so scared that the man ran away.

2 1. Today I am in charge of recruitment in the company. When the couple came to apply, they said they wanted to be security guards and cleaners. I am busy giving them information. I was dumbfounded when they finished filling it out. The man said that he cleaned at home, so he wanted to do cleaning. This woman has great courage and strength, so she wants to be a security guard!

Twenty-two I usually accompany my son to make up math, but I have something to accompany my daughter-in-law today. Shortly after I left, I got a call from my teacher: Xiao Ming's father, why didn't you accompany him to class today? He fell asleep in class. Me: I have something to do today. Is my daughter-in-law not here? Teacher: Your wife snores louder than your son! I ...

23. Xiaoming plays mobile phone in class. After seeing it outside the window, the class teacher sent him a short message, saying: How do you play with your mobile phone in class? Xiao Minghui: Who are you? The class teacher added: Look out of the window! Xiao Ming looked out of the window and replied, thank you for reminding me. I'll talk to you later. The head teacher is watching at the window!

24. When you get married, you worry about your single friends. I feel that other people's happiness is an illusion when I divorce. Having children makes people feel selfish who don't have children. When I first started working, I felt that graduate school was a waste of my life. When you are engaged in freelancing, you will think that office workers sell their souls.