Marital control is the real source of all quarrels between couples. Therefore, this article interviews some supposedly happy couples about why they always inevitably quarrel, even over seemingly minor conflicts. For this reason, this magazine specially invited Sheldon Walker, a marriage and family therapist from Calgary, Canada, to analyze and solve these "control" issues that exist in marriages.

Who will pay the bills

Controversy

Mike and Mary divide the work around the house, and Mary, a financial analyst, is responsible for paying the bills. Every month, Mike would take the trouble to ask about the bill: "Has the satellite TV bill been paid?" "It was deducted directly from my credit card." "Where is the car?" "It's not the payment period yet, I'm thinking, Pay it 4 days before it is due. "When it comes to bills, Mike's habit is to "pay them as soon as they are paid", while Mary usually waits until a few days before they are due. In fact, speaking of it, she rarely makes mistakes in payment time; but as a member of the family economy, Mike feels that if he fails to help with payment, it seems that he is at fault. Mike felt uneasy about the way Mary paid her bills. How the bills are paid becomes a point of disagreement between Mike and Mary.

The crux of the matter

Sheldon Walker, a marriage and family therapist from Calgary, Canada, summed it up this way: "He didn't think she was up to the task. In Mike's mind, he was the stereotype. In the sexual male/female role relationship, the problem is actually that he is unwilling to hand over this family power in the traditional sense. When he interferes in the way she does things, this is a question surrounding the word 'control'. problem.”

The marriage therapist suggested

Instead of supervising her all the time, Mary might give Mike a few months to pay his own bills. Mary could politely ask her husband for another, equally important assignment to see if such an arrangement would be more suitable for both of them.

Food that cannot be shared

Points of contention

Dogg and Linda buy a lot of bananas to go home and enjoy every new week. Dog likes to eat raw food, while Linda likes to eat cooked food. By the end of the week, when the bananas were ripe, Doge had already eaten them all. What upset Linda the most was that he didn't leave her any. Differences over food caused friction. So they decided to divide the fruit into equal parts, add their initials to the fruit, and then each enjoy their own portion.

The crux of the problem

A marriage and family therapist analyzed: "This is the family concept at work. If your mother told you that ripe bananas are delicious, you may eat them now. The habit of eating bananas is to only eat them when they are ripe. The details of life of two people from different backgrounds may conflict with each other. There is also an issue of 'control' in Doge's subconscious mind. He was adding his own preferences to Linda. It was as if he was saying: This marriage will go on my way."

Marriage therapist advice

Our experts. Walker affirmed the couple's final solution: "It's great. Now they can control that part of themselves."

Whose Morning Call

Points of Dispute

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Cathy hated so-called "sleeping"; she set her alarm clock to the time she wanted to wake up, not even a minute earlier. Not so for my husband, Jeff: He always sets the time one hour in advance, so that he can stay in bed and doze until he gets up on time. Jeff said it was the only way he could wake up, but Cathy thought it was rude of her to be woken up too early and too often. The dispute between husband and wife happened on this little alarm clock.

The Crux

“Sleep habits are deeply personal and difficult to control,” Walker believes. "If Cathy must fight over this, be prepared for a protracted battle." Although Walker also said that they must find a compromise, he cannot be overly optimistic: "I think she will fight a difficult battle. ”

Marriage therapist suggested

You can try giving some small bribes: maybe on Sunday, Cathy can make delicious little pancakes for Jeff to reward Jeff for not using them for a week. This "early wake-up alarm". Another option: Try a vibrating or light-up alarm clock instead.

Crazy cleaning lady

Point of contention

Debbie swears a "mountain of rubbish" has taken over her home. When retrieving the mail she receives every day, Debbie only selects bills, personal letters, and magazines, and throws away the rest. Jimi is completely different. He likes to read junk mail and catalog brochures. He will even rummage through garbage dumps for things that interest him. Debbie believes that keeping her room in order is not only a habit for her, but also for her husband's benefit, and she also adds that Jimmy doesn't have that much free time to look at everything. However, for Jimmie, her cleaning method really annoyed him. If anything was missing or missing, he would blame it on her "crazy cleaning".

The crux of the matter

Let’s talk about the key word again - control. Walker asked, "Why can't he just have fun with this little sloppy habit?" Yes, Jamie should respect Debbie's desire to stay clean, but she can also allow him some small indulgences.

The marriage therapist suggested that

she could put all the junk mail in a big box and let Jimi "patrol" his mail within the box. If the mail has been in that box for more than 2 weeks, it is considered junk and Debbie can clean it out.