No matter what era, the stories of Daoming Temple and Shancai, He Yichen and Zhao Mosheng, and the domineering CEO and the beautiful woman always make people forget to leave.

But in the real world, this combination often does not necessarily have a happy ending. It is more of a story of a good girl being abandoned by a scumbag. Oh no, it was an accident.

"Good" girls are more likely to be attracted to bad guys

In the minds of most of us, a good girl in the traditional sense is gentle, humble, considerate, and submissive.

But why do so many girls who are abandoned and subjected to domestic violence by scumbag men fall into this category?

These girls have some different background characteristics. Most of them grew up with relatively strong and demanding parents. For example, the famous young writer Jiang Fangzhou admitted in the "Round Table" program that he has a please-pleaser personality and is prone to encounter scumbags. She shared on the show that a man called her after she broke up with him and threatened her, saying that he would do something to harm herself if she didn't reconcile. She also used various methods to get rid of him.

Another type of girls will unconsciously cater to and please others because their family members are relatively indifferent to them and ignore their existence. For example, in Chaoshan, Guangdong, the idea of ????"preferring boys over girls" is extremely serious. Many families try their best to give birth to boys. Girls have a relatively lower status in the family. They have been used to catering to their parents since childhood and hope to get more from their parents. Much attention.

This way of getting along formed their internal relationship model over time. Psychological research has also proven this. When people grow up, they will still be unconsciously attracted to those partners who can allow us to relive and experience the feelings brought about by getting along with our parents in childhood, even if this kind of The feeling is painful, but the subconscious mind will give them a familiar feeling.

The reason why girls with submissive, considerate, and pleasing personalities are more likely to be attracted to scumbag men is precisely because their arrogant, domineering, and cold personality attitudes will make them unconsciously compare their childhood and parents to each other. The pattern of getting along is projected onto the other person.

Most scumbags are often "controllers"

Scumbags usually have a very distinctive characteristic, that is, they like to satisfy their desire for control by suppressing girls' thoughts and behaviors. Prove that you are right by making the other person comply with your wishes. We can call this type of person a "controller," while a pleaser is a "dependant." Controller-dependent relationships are not limited to couples, but are also common between parents and children.

Generally speaking, normal interpersonal relationships will make one person work hard to understand the other person.

The controller usually cannot see and is unwilling to admit that the other person has an independent personality.

I have a friend whose boyfriend is a typical controller. Every time before he eats, he will ask her which restaurant she wants to go to. When she thinks about it and sends it to him to choose, he will think that she chose it. Neither is good, eventually he will go to the restaurant he wants to go to. When they ate together, he would just finish his order and ask her what she wanted to eat at the end, of course, he would still pay the bill.

When they have differences of opinion, it is difficult to communicate honestly with him. He would either use his own logic to refute her, or he would not respond, or even fall out, finding her annoying.

For more serious controllers, they will question and criticize their partner’s clothing, perfume, and even their WeChat avatar.

They seem to be unable to see the real other half. They do not know or want to know the other person’s inner thoughts. Everything can only be done according to his wishes, and we cannot see his true inner thoughts.

So, on the surface, it may be a story about a gentle and beautiful girl being conquered by a "tyrannical boss", but the actual situation may be a sadistic relationship between a "controller" and a "dependent person".

There is a concept in psychology called "projective identification", which refers to a person's interpersonal behavior pattern that induces others to act or react in a limited way. The controller implements this on the dependent. This kind of projection.

There are two logics in projective identification. One logic is that I hope you will treat me in a way that I think is good, so that you will become what I expect.

But there is another set of logic. I know that you will definitely not treat me in the good way I hope, so I will project the "bad" to you first. If you agree with this "bad" ", which is equivalent to verifying the other party's judgment, but in fact it is the result of his own induction. He thought to himself, you really can't stand it and have treated me in a bad way. You just don't like me.

For example, if a man calls his girlfriend, if the other party doesn't answer, he will call many times, even until the other party answers. When asked why the other party didn't answer the phone, the girlfriend said that she was busy with something just now and wanted to call back later. He said you can take it first and then go about other things. Isn't that a bandit logic?

He believes that his girlfriend should answer his call first under any circumstances. If his girlfriend does this, he thinks they have a good relationship.

But if your girlfriend thinks that she chooses not to answer the phone when dealing with things and replies later, she will deny the rationality of the other party's actions, think that the other party is a bad person, and may even break up.

This behavior of men is actually a self-defense mechanism. If a person frequently uses this psychological mechanism, the people around him will have a serious sense of being restricted, and will constantly feel like they have to become bad people in front of him, which will make it easy for people around him to leave him, which will verify His most fundamental pain is: "I am a bad person, no one likes me."

How controllers are developed

What makes these people become a Controller?

Dependent people usually have controlling parents, and the relationship between controllers and parents is upside down. Their parents are fragile dependents who need their children to take care of themselves. They start from caring and dominating. In the process of being a parent, I gained my initial sense of value. When you grow up, you long to repeat this relationship.

Another situation is that the controller has been severely separated from his mother, or was not well taken care of as a child, and they are dissatisfied. When they grow up, once they fall in love with someone, they will impose this image on that person. Because they were severely injured in childhood, they fear separation, and their lover's independent will is a threat to them.

They want the world to be "the way they want it to be." When unexpected things happen in their lives, they will feel out of control. They feel that they did not expect it, which means they are bad and bad. At the same time, they feel that the world is the same.

American psychologist Patrice Evans tells us in the book "Don't Control Me with Love" that controllers have three basic inner needs and characteristics:

1. Controllers attach great importance to recognition and acceptance from the outside world

Controllers shape themselves from the outside in. They want to make themselves the kind of person they believe in.

The controller’s internal logic is that in order to exist, I must be right. If I'm right, you must be wrong.

Different thoughts, beliefs and emotions are a threat to them.

2. Would rather give up the self, but also maintain the external image

They will regard the external image as their true self, so brand-name clothes, luxury cars, beautiful spouses, decent careers can make them feel better about themselves.

There is also another type of controller who completely opposes social norms. They usually go to extremes in both situations.

This reminds me of the man in the "Shanghai Wife Murder Case". After killing his wife, he used his wife's WeChat to chat with her parents and used her credit card to make purchases to create various illusions. In fact, it was just to continue to maintain one's own external image.

And a controller I know is very tasteful in his clothes, looks very clean, and carries several packs of tissues with him. But then one time I went to where he lived and I was dumbfounded.

Items were scattered everywhere, clothes were piled up in piles on the sofa without being folded, the toilet was almost uncleaned and it was unbearable to look at, and a few little cats were seen crawling near the trash can. He really only cares about his own image, and the surroundings don't seem to have any influence on him.

3. Influence of cultural practices

Controllers are usually affected by the surrounding environment and cultural practices. They often live the way others want them to. "You need XXX to be successful", "Only in this way can you be good-looking or handsome", "Unless someone likes you, you are nothing."

They look very good on the surface They are confident, cold, and bossy, but in reality they often feel powerless and extremely insecure.

How to resolve this inappropriate controlling relationship in a relationship?

There is one and only one way, which is to break the illusion.

Let the controller know that I am me and you are you. I want to respect my rationality and your feelings are also reasonable.

The world does not work according to your wishes, but at the same time it is well-intentioned. Losing control is acceptable, even good.

How to break the illusion, teacher Wu Zhihong gave an example. A boy with a very successful career couldn't catch up with a girl after chasing him for a long time. He finally gave up and felt very depressed, so he went to see him for consultation. . During the consultation process, teacher Wu Zhihong felt that this man was actually happy. He discovered some details. The man said that the girl had always rejected him very gently and tactfully. Later, the man admitted to him that he was actually happy inside, because for the first time he felt that others also had independent consciousness, and that this person was good and well-intentioned. This feeling broke his illusion and subverted his previous illusion that only he was good and others should obey his wishes.

I remember one time I was eating Wuyang brand ice cream with a controller friend, which is an old brand in Guangdong for decades. I casually said, "Have you also liked eating this since you were a child?" He instantly showed a look of contempt and said that I have no IQ and that this brand does not exist in other provinces. For most people, I would think that he doesn't understand empathy, but the point is, he is a PhD student in science, and he actually said such a thing. I immediately refuted him with a smile and asked, "How do I know you don't have this brand?" How can you use this to measure people's IQ? He saw that I had a better attitude and what I said made sense, so he didn’t refute it.

If we respond to controllers in "bad" ways, they will become more defensive and have more severe hallucinations. Only "love" can help the controller slowly expel the fear deep in his heart.

No wonder Director Ang Lee said: "I will not teach children to be filial, I will only teach them how to love."

The imperfection of human nature is due to love, and the perfection of human nature is also due to love. like.

Controllers don’t understand love, and the dependent person’s pandering and flattering are not love either.

A person can only give true love if his conscious and subconscious goals are consistent.

Just like a person who is full of fear in his heart, he subconsciously longs for more love, but is afraid of being rejected after giving love, so through the conscious level, he pushes his partner away in words and actions. , this is obviously not love.

Dependent people who cater to the lack of love in their hearts can easily mistake the other person's control and material care for love, and then become more dependent on the other person. However, this is not love, but asking.

Love is deep understanding and acceptance.