Please tell me a great joke that will make people laugh. The one who makes me laugh the craziest will be rewarded separately.

1. Five Yuan Qian was kidnapped by a criminal gang. He called Hundred Yuan Qian:

"Hey! Your son is here. If you don't want us to rip it off, you can exchange it for him with yourself! "

The hundred-yuan note thought for a moment and said:

"Tear it up, you won't even have 5 yuan left if you tear it up!"

3. One person! He was about to starve to death in the desert when he picked up the magic lamp.

Magic Lamp: "I can only grant you one wish, tell me quickly, I'm in a hurry."

Man: "I want a wife..."

The magic lamp immediately transformed into a beautiful woman, and then said disdainfully: "I'm almost starving to death and still coveting beauty! How sad!" After that, she disappeared

Man: "...cake."

4. The earthworm family was very bored today, so the little earthworm cut himself into two pieces and went to play badminton.

The earthworm's mother thought this method was good, so she cut herself into four pieces to play mahjong.

The earthworm's father thought about it and cut himself into minced meat.

The mother earthworm cried and said: "Why are you so stupid? If you cut it into pieces like this, you will die!"

The father earthworm said weakly: "...Suddenly I want to play football."

5. The panda man wants to have sex with the panda girl, but the panda girl resists vigorously and refuses to obey. After the failure, the panda man said angrily:

"We are all going extinct~~~!"

10. The tortoise and the hare...the hare quickly ran to the front ..

The turtle saw a snail crawling very slowly and said to him: Come up, I will carry you..

Then... the snail came up. ..

After a while, the turtle saw another ant and said to him: Come up too..

So the ant also came up. .

After the ant came up, he saw the snail above and said "Hello" to him

Do you know what the snail said?

The snail said: Hurry up, this turtle is so fast...

11. A man and a woman were having dinner

The girl kept asking the boy: Do you love me?

The boy glanced at the girl and continued to eat dinner

The girl was very angry and asked again: Do you love me?

The boy finally said: Yes

The girl asked again: How do you prove it?

Suddenly the boy took out thirty yuan from his pocket.

And asked the girl: Do you have ten yuan? Yuan?

The girl took ten yuan and gave it to the boy...

The boy put forty yuan on the table

After a while... .

The girl asked the boy angrily: Do you want to prove that you love me?

The boy said that I have already proved it!!!

Four Ten is in front of you!

15. I went to the snack street one day

I found a shop selling egg tarts

Every one looks very delicious, I want to buy one to try

I asked the clerk: "Is this sold individually?"

Clerk: "No, this is from Japan."

18. One day, a family There was a fire.

Both parents escaped, except for one son who was still inside.

The mother shouted nervously outside the house,

"Son... you are doing it... You are on fire and you are still not coming out... ..."

The son replied..."I am wearing socks..."

The mother said again, "Why should I wear socks if there is a fire... .."

Five minutes later, the son still hasn't come out...

The mother shouted nervously, "Son, what are you doing, come out~" It’s all on fire, and I’m still inside..."

The son said, "I am taking off my socks..."

19. There is a man Went to the river to fish.

First he pierced a leaf. No fish took the bait for a long time, so he changed it to a piece of bread. Again, no fish took the bait for a long time.

He had no choice but to change to earthworms. Still no fish took the bait for a long time~~

In anger, he took out 100rmb~~ and threw it into the water~~

"****~~What do you want to eat! Go by yourself Buy!! ”

20. A German, a French, and a Japanese are going to work in the mine.

The boss is an American. He said to the German: "You are in good shape and you are responsible for the coolies."

He said to the French: "You said you are an engineer and you are responsible for mining. Plan."

And to the Japanese, he said: "You are very thin. You are responsible for supplies."

Then the next week, they started to work.

A few days later, the Germans and French discovered that the Japanese were missing. After searching for a long time, they decided to go back to work.

When the Germans started working, the Japanese suddenly jumped out and shouted:

"Surprise!"

24. "I can't see things that are too far away," the patient said to the ophthalmologist.

"Please follow me," the doctor took the patient outside, pointed at the sun in the sky, and asked, "What do you think that is?"

"The sun." the patient answered.

"Then how far do you want to see!"

25. One day the animals smelled a bad smell in front of Guan Gong Temple.

The snake said: "I am too young to fart such a smelly thing. It must be a cow."

The cow said: "I am a grass-eater and would not fart such a smelly thing." "

The pig said: "Those who fart will definitely blush." ??

Suddenly Guan Gong rushed out, knocked the pig away and said, "How many times have I told you that I am blushing? Innate.

”

26. A man met God one day...

God suddenly became kind and planned to give that person a wish...

God asked. ..

Do you have any wishes...

The man thought about it...

I heard that cats have 9 lives...

Then please give me 9 lives...

God said...

Your wish will come true...

One day, that person was bored...

I wanted to just die...

Anyway, I have 9 lives

Just lying on the railroad tracks...

Then a train drove past...

The man was still dead...

This is Why?

Because there are 10 carriages in that train...

30. One day, three people were sent to the funeral home. Strangely enough, they all had smiles after they died ^_ ^...

The funeral director asked pol.ice in confusion: Why did their faces look like ^_^ after they died?

pol.ice said: This...it's a long story...Look at the person on the left...he was spending a night with his wife in ***

The most passionate moment... couldn't bear it... and died

The administrator replied: Alas... I would like to die under the flowers... I can be a ghost and be romantic... That one in the middle How did he die... .

pol.ice: That one in the middle... He... What a tragedy... He was walking on the road... Suddenly he heard that he had won the jackpot... The prize is more than 700 million...

When I was laughing too happily... I was hit by an oncoming car... As a result... I died...

The administrator replied: Alas...he is really not blessed to enjoy this glorious and wealthy life for the rest of his life...What about the remaining one?

pol.ice: ...This one’s death is a bit pitiful... He was struck to death by lightning while climbing a tree

The administrator replied: ...This is a bit wrong, why are you still smiling after being struck by lightning...

pol.ice said: Because after he climbed the tree, he thought... there was a sudden flash of lightning... ...

He thought... someone was taking a picture of him...

31. Thousands of years ago, whether they were male or female dogs, they peeed when they urinated. It's done squatting.

It was not until the Tang Dynasty that things changed...

Everyone, everyone has heard of Emperor Taizong of the Tang Dynasty! His old man had a pair of Pekingese dogs. Once, Emperor Taizong of the Tang Dynasty went to Mount Huashan to offer sacrifices to heaven and took this pair with him...

Halfway through the sacrifice, the female dog suddenly became anxious and ran behind a tree. Solved,

This was a very disrespectful behavior when worshiping the sky, so it angered the Jade Emperor.

The Jade Emperor ordered Thunder God to hit a thunder, which happened to hit the tree and the tree fell. , crushed the female dog to death, and the male dog was very scared after seeing it...

From then on, every time the male dog urinates under the tree, he will stretch out one foot and push against the tree,

To prevent the tree from falling on me...

35. A middle-aged woman ran to the traffic police and said:

"There is a boring man who keeps "Following me."

Pol.ice looked at her face, looked at her figure, and said,

"I think he might have been drunk. It’ll be fine in a moment!”

37. In a theater, a performance is going on.

A spectator stood up and walked along the row of seats into the restroom.

A few minutes later, he came back,

and asked the first audience member sitting in this row:

"Excuse me, did I just step on you?" Are your feet hurt?"

"Yes, but it doesn't matter, it doesn't hurt now.

”

“No, I just want to confirm whether I am sitting in this row.”

38. After a group of great scientists died, they played hide-and-seek in heaven. It was Einstein’s turn. To arrest people, he counted to 100 and opened his eyes, and saw that everyone was hiding, only Newton was still standing there.

Einstein walked over and said: "Newton, I caught you."

Newton: "No, you didn't catch Newton."

Einstein: "You are not Newton, who are you?"

Newton: "Look what is under my feet?"

Einstein looked down and saw Newton standing on a long and wide They are all one meter square on the floor tiles, I don’t understand.

Newton: "This is a square meter of square meters under my feet. When I stand on it, it is Newton/square meter. So what you grasp is not Newton, what you grasp is Pascal."

39. Female: say "i love you", say it, come on! say it!

Male: it!

40. One day, a kangaroo was driving around on a country road when he suddenly saw a little white rabbit in the middle of the road, with its ears and body almost completely lying on the ground as if it was listening to something...

So... the kangaroo stopped the car and asked curiously: "Little White Rabbit, may I ask what you are listening to?"

"A large truck passed here half an hour ago..."

"Wow...so amazing!...How did you know?"

"Damn it! That's how my neck and legs were broken

41. Asong and Abo chatted about nothing and told each other that time is not forgiving.

Asong: “Recalling my childhood, the happiest thing I ever had was Children’s Day. "

Abo: "After ten years it will be Youth Day. "

Asong: "Father's Day will be in ten years. ”

Abo: “In a few decades it will be Senior Citizens’ Day. "

A Song: "A few more decades."

A Bai: ". Qingming Festival. "

42. The Death of Zorro

One day, Zorro went to his mistress's house for a tryst. The mistress asked Zorro: "What if my husband comes back?"

"Zorro said: "It's okay, if your husband comes back, I will jump out of the window, and my horse will pick me up below.

The mistress said: If you hear three knocks on the door, it means that my husband is back.

Zorro said: I know.

After a while , it was raining. Suddenly there were three knocks on the door. It was late, but it was fast. Zorro jumped out of the bed and in a blink of an eye, he was already out of the window. Jump out. When the mistress saw that Zorro had left, she went to open the door.

She saw a horse standing in front of the door and said to her: "Tell Zorro that it's raining outside. I'm in the corridor." Wait for him. ”

44. The fat girl asked the racecourse administrator: Strange, when did a camel come to your racecourse, and it was bimodal?

Administrator: It is not a camel, it is a camel. The horse you rode...

45. The traffic police reprimanded: Rabbit, your eyes are red and you are driving drunk?

Crab, you are crossing the road again?

Kangaroo, you are not allowed to ride with children anymore!

Turtle, who asked you to go on the expressway?

There is a person who is very unlucky at work. He was seriously injured, with only one middle finger left on his right hand, but his bad luck had just begun. From now on, whenever he stretched out his right hand, someone would hit him

47. A young lion came to a certain zoo and the old lion was in the same place. Cage.

The administrator always gives the young lion a banana every time he comes to feed, while the old lion always gives him a big piece of meat.

The young lion thinks: Maybe I am. Newcomers, don’t worry too much.

After three months, the situation was still the same. The young lion finally couldn’t help himself and asked the administrator: Why do I still only eat bananas after three months?

The administrator replied: Because you occupy the monkey's position.

48. The story that happened the day before yesterday:

A mouse was chased by a cat and entered the flower shop by mistake. The mouse found that there was no way to escape, so he picked up a bouquet of roses as a weapon and resisted tenaciously...

The cat was stunned, immediately lowered his head, and said shyly: Damn it, it's too sudden... ….

49. Patient: Doctor, I have hearing problems. I am almost half-deaf.

Doctor: Okay! You repeat what I said! ...88.

Patients: 44.

50. An advertisement posted by a milk dealer:

"If you drink a glass of milk every day for 1,200 months, you will definitely live to be 100 years old!"

51. Customer: "Is this bulletproof vest safe?"

Boss: "Of course, I have sold so many, and no one has ever returned or exchanged it."

Customer: "What if I get killed when I put it on?"

Boss: "Then I promise to refund your money."

52. A man who has just finished surgery The patient who woke up asked: "What happened to me?"

The doctor replied: "You were in a car accident and just had an operation."

"Then I am in the hospital?" said the patient.

The doctor replied: "To be precise, most of your body is in the hospital."

53. The execution police officer walked into the cell and announced to the prisoner while shaking his raincoat. Order,

The prisoner said in surprise: Go to the execution ground in such heavy rain?

The police officer said: What do you have to complain about? I have to come back in the rain!

54. The centipede was bitten by a snake and was sent to the hospital for emergency treatment. After diagnosis, the doctor said: It must be amputated to prevent the poison from spreading!

Centipede thought: Fortunately I have many legs!

The doctor comforted him and said: Brother, be more open-minded, you will be an earthworm from now on.

55. Female: Tomorrow is my birthday, what gift do you want to give me?

Male: Same as last year.

Female: What did you give me last year?

Male: Same as the year before.

Female: What did you give me as a gift the year before last?

Male: I didn’t know you the year before last, so I didn’t give you anything.

56. A man went to the company to apply for a job.

The recruiter asked him: What do you know?

The man replied: I don’t know what you know. I know, but my ex-boss said I only don’t know two things~~~

The recruiter asked with great interest: Which two things do you don’t know?