Taiwanese writer Wang Lifang once said this in her article:

As a writer of best-selling parenting books, she hopes to use Use your own knowledge to help children who encounter problems: for example, children who are bullied at school.

But she found that although she was patient, these children were not willing to tell her what was in their heart.

With this confusion, she asked her teacher for advice, and the teacher told her:

The crisis of trust between parents and children makes children unwilling to communicate with their parents at home. In society, they also instinctively distrust adults who lend a helping hand.

Although most tense parent-child relationships will ease when the children become adults. But lost trust is hard to get back.

These three behaviors are most likely to lead to a crisis of trust.

01

Breaking one’s word and maxing out the child’s “credit card”

Previous Not long ago, I saw such a news.

In Wenzhou, Zhejiang, two fifth-grade girls held hands and sat on the edge of the awning on the fourth floor, arguing that they were going to commit suicide by jumping off the building. The thin awning carried the weight of two people, which was frightening to see. The consequences of one accident would be disastrous.

Fortunately, under the dissuasion of teachers, parents and rescue workers, the two children slowly sat back down and were rescued, thus avoiding a tragedy.

The reason why the children insisted on committing suicide was actually because their parents broke the appointment and did not accompany them to play at each other's homes. When adults hear such reasons for suicide, they will feel puzzled: Is this worth paying the price of life?

But the proportions of children’s world are different from those of adults. The promises we make casually carry a lot of weight to children. As one netizen said:

Indeed, an ice cream, a trip to an amusement park, and a long-awaited toy do not count for adults. What. But in the children's hearts, those are all true. They read these promises every day and excitedly look forward to the day when they will be fulfilled.

But when an adult suddenly says "I forgot" or even scolds a child with "What a big deal" when a child has a tantrum, it has become a knot in the mind of many children. .

As sociologist Lin Zucker once said:

Parents’ breach of trust will make their children resentful. The accumulation of disappointment and anger has even become an obsession that hurts oneself.

What is even more sad is that when parents are used to writing "blank checks", they are also invisibly consuming their own credibility in the hearts of their children.

Zhihu netizen @ banana said that his father is a person who does not keep his word.

In the beginning, I would be angry and quarrelsome, but as time went by, I became numb, and even thought my father’s promise was ridiculous, “I was so happy when I promised, All kinds of prevarication during execution.”

When she grew up and her father complained that she did not like to communicate with him, she sneered in her heart:

Parents The relationship with the children has reached this point, which is really disappointing.

Trust between adults begins with keeping promises, and the same is true for children's trust in their parents.

As a parent, if you make a promise, you must keep it. If you cannot satisfy your child for some reason, please sincerely tell them the reason and say you are sorry.

Don’t let the trust between parents and children be destroyed by a cold “Let’s talk about it next time.”

02

Invasion of privacy, loss of children's trust in the "name of love"

Remember I have seen this short video that is a bit ridiculous.

At the beginning of the story, the daughter in a wedding dress led a beggar home and informed her mother that she and the man had received a certificate. The frightened mother was so angry that she kicked the man out and immediately locked her daughter in the house.

She couldn't understand why her well-behaved daughter would do such a ridiculous thing and not even tell her about getting married. In despair, she encountered a "life answering machine".

The machine did not answer her question, but replayed the details of mother and daughter's past relationship before her eyes bit by bit:

< p> When she was a child, she looked through her daughter's things and said when her daughter resisted fiercely, "Mom, it's all for your own good";

Long When she got older, she installed a camera in her daughter's room. When her daughter protested and said, "If you install this, can I still have a life of my own?", she replied matter-of-factly, "What is your own life? I'm the one holding you back." "Big brother, what else can I not know?"

She was in love at work, and she looked through her daughter's phone to check her relationship with her. According to the chat record between her boyfriend, after the mother and daughter had a big argument, she looked at her daughter who was bowing her head and said nothing, "Mom, this is all for your own good."

Scenes from the past unfolded before my eyes, and my mother seemed to understand something. When she rushed home in a hurry and wanted to apologize for everything in the past, her daughter had already left, leaving only her regretful mother in the empty room.

The mother and daughter, who were originally dependent on each other and close to each other, became completely disappointed after the mother invaded the child's privacy again and again, refusing to communicate, and the relationship between mother and daughter became increasingly estranged. .

On one side is the mother who shouts "It's for your own good, why don't you tell me anything?" On the other side is the daughter who is forced to expose her privacy and answers with tears "I can't trust you".

The balance between mother and daughter is completely out of balance, and eventually goes to the other extreme.

It is not difficult to see such parents in life. They worry that their children will take detours in their growth, so they invade their children's privacy in the name of love. In the final analysis, they just treat children as private property and accessories, and think that they have the right to know everything about their children.

However, the more I want to control and understand, I cannot get into the children's hearts and gain their true trust.

Kimberly Shaunette, professor of educational psychology at Columbia University, believes:

If children cannot feel trusted and respected, You will not be able to share your privacy willingly.

In the cartoon "Peppa Pig", there is such a plot. Mummy Pig gave Peppa Pig a box. Peppa Pig curiously asked her mother what should I put in it. ?

Mummy Pig told her: "You decide what to put in it. This is your secret box. Don't tell me."

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The happy Peppa took the box and put all the secrets she wanted to hide in it.

Mummy Pig, who never opens the box to peek into her daughter's secrets without permission, has won Peppa Pig's trust, so Peppa Pig will share secrets with her family without any scruples.

Each of us has our own privacy, and only when we feel safe enough will we be willing to share it with others.

It is understandable that parents are worried about their children making mistakes due to their young age, but this concern is not about monitoring their children or not allowing them to have private space, but when both parties agree. Under such circumstances, find a more appropriate way to be the person in charge of your child's growth.

03

Forced sharing consumes children’s trust

In the variety show "After School" In "After", when Gao Zihao's cousin came to play at home, she took a fancy to the hug blanket in his hand, but Zihao did not want to give it to his cousin.

Seeing this scene, his mother began to persuade him to give the blanket to his sister by saying, "My sister is a guest and I should let her go." But Zihao still hugged the blanket tightly and refused:

"No, this is mine."

This Shi's mother got angry and started shouting, "Give it to her!"

Being forced to "share" his beloved blanket, Zihao's face was filled with grievances and he felt lost. He ran back to his room and cried silently.

In the mother’s view, unwillingness to share is equated with selfishness, but Bao Wenjing, a guest in the observation room, believes that the child is unwilling To share, you must first communicate well. If the child is really unwilling, don't force the child to share, otherwise it will actually be a kind of harm.

As parents, we all hope that our children will learn to share and be willing to share. Once we see the child’s awkward refusal, it is easy to get angry. This is because in our minds, we label our dislike of sharing as "selfish", "stingy", "uneducated" and "ignorant".

But the "Candy Experiment" by Ernst Fehr, a professor at the University of Zurich in Switzerland, tells us that selfishness is a child's nature, and it is normal to not like to share. This is just a normal manifestation of the development stage of children's property rights awareness.

Why are adults willing to share? That's because in the adult world, sharing is a mutually beneficial thing.

We know very well that sharing can lead to rewards. But in the eyes of children, sharing means losing.

Forcing children to share, some even directly grab it and give it to other children like Zihao’s mother. On the one hand, these behaviors make children feel that their right to say no has been denied by their parents. It is a very bad behavior to refuse others. Over time, it is easy to develop a cowardly character.

On the other hand, they may feel that their parents cannot even protect the things they like, resulting in a sense of distrust towards their parents.

Sharing is a virtue and must be based on the child’s consent and happiness. We want them to learn to share. For example, we can use guidance to let them experience the joy of sharing.

When faced with his son Wu’s unwillingness to share toys, Xie Nan told him: "You can say no, but you have to think about it. If everyone shares it together, Everyone can come up with new ways to play, should we try it?"

After hearing this, Wu Suo thought about it and The toys were shared with other children, even with a little anticipation.

Xie Nan’s approach is very in line with the characteristics of children of this age. It is useless to tell them that sharing is a virtue. She used guidance to teach them The joy of sharing is clearly based on what children can understand, and it conveys that no matter what, the decision to share toys or not is in your hands.

In fact, children are much more generous than we think. Brutally forcing a child to share can only hurt the child, but it also consumes the child's trust in their parents.

04

There is this sentence in the book "After Becoming a Mother":

Children come from their parents and enter the adult world under the protection and education of their parents. In this process, the relationship between parents and children depends largely on how much the children trust us:

Between parents and children, The most important thing is not what we want to teach our children, but how tightly we hold on to the red thread called "trust" between us and our children in this tug of growth.

***Mian.