Psychological consultation in progress (9) - Gambler's Psychology

This afternoon, Miss Hedgehog, a visitor at our sleep psychology center, cried and told her story, which is summarized as follows.

Although her appearance is not exactly picturesque, it can indeed be classified as "attractive". Her figure is thin but sexy, and her pair of white and slender fingers are unforgettable.

Miss Hedgehog usually likes to read books, play badminton, and chat with three or two friends. Back then, she came to this city alone to find a job. Her relatives were all far away and her friends were all new.

Miss Hedgehog has always been a "good girl". She has never done anything out of the ordinary since she was a child, and she has never been in love after graduating from college. After entering the workplace, she quickly attracted the attention of many male colleagues. Everyone inquired about her and whether she was married.

As a newbie in the workplace, Miss Hedgehog is dealing with her daily work with trepidation and is completely unaware of these tidbits of news. She even had a low self-esteem, wondering if she was too unfeminine that no one cared about her in college, and that she could not get a response from the male college classmate she had been unrequitedly in love with.

Miss Hedgehog’s luck came a bit late. Later, two men appeared in her life, Man A and Man B. Miss Hedgehog likes Man A, but he has always been flirting with her and never confessed his feelings to her. She hinted at him tactfully, and he pretended to be deaf and dumb.

Seeing this, you may say that confessing is actually just breaking the window paper. It doesn’t make much difference to whoever comes, but how dare Miss Hedgehog, who already has a low self-esteem, dare to do this. She just felt that maybe Man A thought that he was not good enough and only used himself as a spare tire.

Man B, as for Mr. B, "pursues and beats up" Ms. Hedgehog. He sends roses and invites her to dinner. He even wants to help her wash, cook and clean the toilet. Miss Hedgehog felt that Man B's purpose was too clear, and a trace of disgust for him arose in her heart. Of course, she did not give him a chance.

Now that I think about it, neither Man A nor Man B is a "good girl."

Man A obviously only uses her as a backup, but what about man B? If Miss Hedgehog really wants to be with him, the situation will not be too optimistic. Sometimes, unlimited flattery and catering are just another form of coercion. A person who pleases and caters to you endlessly during the pursuit stage will often turn into a completely different person after you get him.

In this way, perhaps due to fate, the "just right" Mr. Snail broke into Miss Hedgehog's world without any warning.

Mr. Snail lives alone, with no house, car, or savings. He usually likes to play cards, read newspapers, magazines, TV, and smoke. He has no close friends or relatives around him. He lives in seclusion. His life is like a pool of stagnant water, without even a trace. Appear. In the eyes of others, he always looks polite and polite, and he is very kind to everyone and greets everyone with a smile.

Mr. Snail had been dating a girlfriend before. The two had lived together for several years, and they had reached the point of talking about marriage. Then they broke up for some unknown reason.

In the blink of an eye, Mr. Snail is already a single young man in his thirties, but he seems to be in no hurry to fall in love and get married, and he is quite disillusioned with the world, until he meets Miss Hedgehog.

Miss Hedgehog and Mr. Snail work in the same state-owned enterprise.

One day, it was her turn to be on duty, and Mr. Snail came back to work overtime.

Seeing her sitting alone at her workstation, Mr. Snail came over to strike up a conversation. The more the two of them chatted, the more they became interested, and they began to get acquainted with each other.

Miss Hedgehog has no extra thoughts about Mr. Snail, who is more than ten years older than her, but her innocence inspires his desire to conquer. In his circle, there were not many women like Miss Hedgehog who had high academic qualifications but blank emotional experience.

Mr. Snail expressed his affection for Miss Hedgehog without leaving any trace. This just right feeling made Miss Hedgehog feel that he was a gentleman.

The two went out to eat together, and Mr. Snail was willing to spend a few hours sitting in a cafe with Miss Hedgehog in a daze, listening to her confide in her heart; Miss Hedgehog went for a night run, and Mr. Snail volunteered to be her "Flower Protector". The relationship between two people is more than friends and less than lovers.

One day, man A, who had been having an affair with Miss Hedgehog before, suddenly got the news that he was getting married. When Miss Hedgehog learned about it, she felt like she had been deceived and fooled, and she was sad and angry at the same time. I couldn't help but shed a few tears.

Mr. Snail took the opportunity to lend her his shoulder and held her in his arms, frightening her little heart like a deer.

The next day, Mr. Snail acted as if nothing had happened and still got along with Miss Hedgehog as a friend. However, his attitude of "pretending that nothing had happened" made Miss Hedgehog Feeling a little hurt.

One day, she finally couldn't help but ask him: "Do you like me?"

Mr. Snail replied half seriously and half casually: "Yes. You They are very different from the girls around me. In fact, some people have introduced me to several people, some of whom are prettier, gentler, and more virtuous than you, but I have not been attracted to you, but I am attracted to you.

I have been single for many years, but I didn’t expect that I would fall into your hands..."

It was the first time that Miss Hedgehog heard such a touching confession. Her heart was so excited that she plunged into the room with Mr. Snail. This love is irresistible.

In fact, is this confession touching? It sounds like a compliment, but in fact it is a disparagement, and it is more like "You are inferior to others." "Others, but I still like you, you should be grateful".

At that time, Miss Hedgehog could not expect so much. She only thought that Mr. Snail was cute in every aspect.

Later , she lived with Mr. Snail without telling her colleagues and family.

At that time, she must have never thought that this man would make her miserable in the future. Almost all the storms in her life were caused by this man. .

After three months of love, Miss Hedgehog soon discovered that Mr. Snail was different from what she imagined.

He often borrowed money from Miss Hedgehog, sometimes thousands of dollars. , ranging from five to six hundred yuan, saying that she was running a business with a friend and encountered a shortage of funds.

At first, Miss Hedgehog thought that a man asking a woman to borrow money meant that he was indeed in trouble. So, every time he asked, she would donate generously.

Miss Hedgehog didn’t really care at first. She felt that Mr. Snail would only borrow money and not repay it when he regarded her as one of his own, and she didn’t want to pay him back anyway. It's urgent, and since we both live together, you don't have to be so clear about mine.

Later, as Mr. Snail borrowed more money, Ms. Hedgehog became a little unhappy. Her income was not high. , she could only save a thousand and a few hundred dollars a month. As the only daughter in the family, she never sent a penny to her family, but spent it all on Mr. Snail.

Later, she He often couldn't be found, and he wouldn't answer her phone calls. After returning home, he would nonchalantly explain to her that he had just gone out to relax.

As the days went by, Miss Hedgehog began to notice. I found that Mr. Snail was not enterprising and never made any plans for his future. He did not like to get involved in Miss Hedgehog’s social circle and had a cold attitude towards Miss Hedgehog’s relatives and friends. Not introducing Miss Hedgehog to her relatives and friends

Mr. Snail’s behavior made Miss Hedgehog feel very puzzled, dissatisfied, and unhappy. The conflicts between the two accumulated more and more, and they finally had a quarrel.

After the two had a big fight one night, Miss Hedgehog ran out of the house and walked aimlessly on the street alone in tears. Mr. Snail came to the street to find her, probably because he was worried about her safety. She. The two had a big quarrel on the street, and then reconciled and hugged each other.

In this way, Mr. Snail and Miss Hedgehog continued to have cold wars, reconciliation, quarrels, and reconciliations for a year and a half. Okay.

In most cases, Miss Hedgehog thinks that the other party ignores her feelings and wants to have a chat with her, but Mr. Snail disagrees and thinks that Miss Hedgehog is being cool and indifferent to her. .

Miss Hedgehog sometimes spends several hours stewing a pot of delicious soup for Mr. Snail, but she can never find him.

Miss Hedgehog was sick and lay in bed unwilling to move, but Mr. Snail thought she was being coquettish and forced her to get up to eat, just to make it easier for him to clean up the dishes after the meal.

Mr. Snail’s various behaviors made Miss Hedgehog more and more disappointed. When she decided to leave this unsuitable man, she found out that she was pregnant.

Miss Hedgehog has a relatively traditional view of parents. She almost fainted when she learned that her daughter was pregnant out of wedlock and the man's financial situation was not good.

Miss Hedgehog’s mother kept sighing and weeping, while her father explicitly asked her to abort the fetus and break up with Mr. Snail, otherwise he would sever the father-daughter relationship with her.

Originally, Miss Hedgehog was still hesitant about breaking up with Mr. Snail, but after her father scolded her for not loving herself, she seemed to be pushed by some force and was completely pushed. Mr. Snail's side.

Where is Mr. Snail? Seeing that the prospective parents-in-law opposed the marriage, I felt angry. He even told his friends, "I'm not the one with the big belly anyway", while Miss Hedgehog was busy playing games with her parents and paid little attention to Mr. Snail's thoughts.

After a period of time, Miss Hedgehog's mother saw that her daughter's belly was getting bigger and bigger, and she began to lose her temper and ran to persuade her husband to arrange a wedding for her daughter and her prospective son-in-law.

On the day Miss Hedgehog got married, her mother burst into tears and hugged her and cried for a long time. Miss Hedgehog felt sour, but she still put on a smile and got into the wedding car...

Life after marriage was not easy. Miss Hedgehog and Mr. Snail lived in a rented house and got busy with work. I have to have dinner very late every day.

In the third trimester of pregnancy, Miss Hedgehog could only stay in bed in order to preserve the fetus, but Mr. Snail would buy groceries and cook every day, just like a good husband and father with twenty-four filial piety.

Every night, he always goes out after Miss Hedgehog goes to bed, but he doesn't elaborate on what he goes out for.

At that time, Miss Hedgehog was about to give birth. She was exhausted physically and mentally and did not want to go into details.

Soon, a child was born, and their lives became even more difficult.

Mr. Snail has little savings, and even the cost of giving birth was paid for by Miss Hedgehog herself.

After the child landed, Mr. Snail took the mother to take care of the child and the mother. My mother-in-law came from the countryside and had very different views from Miss Hedgehog. Fortunately, she was kind enough, so the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law lived in such a polite manner for most of half a year.

During that half-year period, Miss Hedgehog was busy taking care of the children and getting along with her mother-in-law. Mr. Snail acted as a hands-off shopkeeper throughout the whole process, but he went out more frequently at night.

When the child was one year old, Miss Hedgehog received a phone call. The other party asked her to take joint responsibility and repay the hundreds of thousands of gambling debts owed by her husband.

Miss Hedgehog was a little confused. After a while, she finally figured out the reason why Mr. Snail could not save a penny after working for so many years and went out frequently at night: it turned out that he had been addicted to gambling.

In the past, he didn’t play much, and his income and expenditure were basically balanced. But later, he lost more and more, and eventually he couldn’t repay his gambling debt.

Miss Hedgehog instinctively wanted to divorce, but she couldn't make up her mind when she thought of her son shaking his tender hand and calling "Daddy" when he saw his father.

After Mr. Snail knew that the incident was exposed, he begged Miss Hedgehog to give him another chance. He said that he really wanted his family to live a better life, so he went astray. He knew that gambling was wrong, and now that he realized his mistake, he hoped that she would give him another chance for the sake of her son.

After the mother-in-law learned about this later, she took over almost all the housework and earnestly persuaded Miss Hedgehog to give her son another chance.

Miss Hedgehog sighed and compromised.

Mr. Snail has been "good" for a long time. He works hard during the day, and when he comes home, he helps with housework, takes care of the children, and tries his best to make Miss Hedgehog happy. Miss Hedgehog felt like she was back in love again, wishing that time could stop at that moment forever.

Miss Hedgehog originally saved a small amount of money for the down payment to buy a house, but later used it all to pay off Mr. Snail’s gambling debt. She felt that if the money could make him realize the importance of family and relatives, change his ways and turn back his prodigal son, then it would be worth it.

Not long after, Miss Hedgehog discovered that Mr. Snail began to come home late again. She asked him where he was, but he either didn't answer or hesitated. Miss Hedgehog's heart sank little by little.

There is no need to elaborate on the subsequent plot. Like all similar stories, he was caught gambling again by her, and he repeatedly begged for forgiveness. She felt physically and mentally exhausted and filed for divorce. If he doesn't agree, she can only sue.

After about a year of struggle, Miss Hedgehog finally got divorced. The moment she received the verdict, she felt relieved, as if she had finally woken up from a nightmare.

She sobbed: "Why is it always me who gets hurt?..." "Please ask Dr. Ding for some advice!"

Yeah!

Together with Miss Hedgehog, I analyzed and summarized the lessons this marriage brought to her:

First, you should not know people before marriage.

Not long after they got together, the other party started to worry about her borrowing money and liked to go out every night. This was actually very abnormal. At that time, she should be more vigilant, or at least do something She knew the reason why the other party went out at night, but she chose to numb herself again and again, and even foolishly thought that she was being tolerant and dedicated for love.

She always wanted to grow old together with the first man she met, but she never thought carefully about whether that man really loved her. , suitable for her. By the time you accidentally have a child with the other person, it's already too late.

Second, you should not believe a gambler’s words over and over again.

Gambling is a road of no return, and not many people can stop it in time. The first time she discovered that the other party was gambling, she should have her tail docked in time to survive. Life actually gave her the opportunity to stop her losses, but she acted too late.

Why do people like gambling?

Because human beings inherently like the feeling of tension, excitement, and accidental profit, most people cannot resist the temptation and pleasure of “fighting ten with one”.

Ordinary life is too boring, we all need to use gambling to spice up our lives. However, not everyone will become addicted to gambling.

All people who are addicted to some bad hobbies do so because they are unable to develop fun from normal hobbies. Mr. Snail is addicted to gambling, probably because he cannot get happiness from work or from interacting with his lover, family, and friends.

This type of gambler has no patience for anything and only dreams of making a big fortune with a small amount of money and reaching the sky in one step. If you imagine that you can influence the other person and make them turn around, then you yourself will become a gambler.

Isn’t it?

Don’t all those who fantasize about being able to influence their “scumbag partners” have this kind of gambler’s mentality?

You are reluctant to part with the sunk cost that you have already bet, and you imagine that one day you can get it back with profit, but you may only end up with "losing your wife and losing your troops".

Thirdly, one should not marry one’s son.

She does not regret giving birth to the child, but she regrets marrying the other person.

If she could resist the pressure and be an unwed mother..."

Speaking of this, Miss Hedgehog was silent for two seconds and then added: "It seems to be more difficult for unwed mothers than single mothers. ”

I understand what she means.

In China’s third- and fourth-tier cities, if you work in an institution within the system, if you get pregnant out of wedlock but don’t want to have an abortion, , you will face tremendous pressure.

First of all, there is economic pressure.

Units within the system will implement the family planning policy more strictly. Once you give birth to a child out of wedlock, you may be punished. Ordered to be fired. If you lose your job, you can find it again, but not everyone can find a more suitable job immediately. In the short term, the pressure of raising a child will be greater.

The second is the pressure of public opinion. Once you have a big belly but no man is responsible for your belly, people around you will look at you like a savage beast, and will "slut-shaming" and "victim-shaming" you, thinking that you are because of indiscretions in your private life or What problems are there in oneself that make a man unwilling to take responsibility for having a child out of wedlock?

On balance, it is better to get married first and give birth to the child legally before considering divorce.

It’s very difficult, isn’t it?

But there is no way, our country’s law does not support having children out of wedlock (of course, if you give birth, your child will be allowed to register)

What do you do to women who accidentally get pregnant but don’t want to abort the child? For them, it seems more reliable to marry the father of the child if they win the bet and have a happy family. ; If you lose the bet, it's just a "single mother" status. You don't have to lose your job, and people will still have some sympathy for you.

And this already belongs to the realm of sociology, ethics and even law.

In my opinion, there is no problem with "getting married with a child". Many couples may be busy with their careers and other things and have no plans to get married for the time being, but the arrival of children makes this plan come to fruition ahead of schedule. .... If the relationship between the two people is good, the child can make the relationship even better.

I am afraid that two people who are not suitable and are about to break up will be separated because of the arrival of a child. Marry with a son...The ending of this story is actually explained in the article.

If you go to bed with a man just for the purpose of "borrowing seeds" and get pregnant successfully, and the man also gets pregnant. I am willing to cooperate with you to get married and let the child be born legally, and everyone will be happy.

If you marry a man who is not so reliable in the first place with the vision of building a happy family, then after he gets married and has children. The possibility of becoming reliable is about the same as that of "a sow climbing a tree". In this case, you may only get a lot of heartbreak and sadness.

The story of Miss Hedgehog is sad. < /p>

All I can say is that life is also a gamble, and everyone will sit at the gambling table sometimes. If you don’t want to gamble, fate may push you to gamble, but you can’t always gamble. Gambling.

More often than not, it is more important to know how to stop at the right time than to give up.

Ding Jungui

August 5, 2018