Wen Yan April

How do you know whether a man loves himself or not? A girl commented: There must be a standard answer to this matter, and how beautiful the world should be.

I want to say: there is really a standard answer to this question.

But I'm not going to press the table here. Let's take a look at some popular sayings.

statement 1:

a man is willing to pay money, time and sperm for you, which is love for you.

statement 2:

talk to him about the future. If he loves you, he will definitely want to marry you, and he will definitely have you in his future.

statement 3:

if you meet a boy who is willing to pause his game for you and listen to you, marry him.

statement 4:

a man who is willing to go to war for you and has experienced the test is the one who really loves you.

what is the basis and premise of true love?

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Actually, these are not the standards of true love. You must want to say that none of this counts, so what is true love for a person?

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I think the first thing is that he can truly respect women and respect you. This is probably especially important in China, where boys are preferred to girls.

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I remember once I went out to play with a group of friends and chatted. One of the men listened to my recent situation and said with profound meaning, "Women don't have to fight so hard. It's good to get married early and take care of their children at home. After our children went to kindergarten, my wife always wanted to go out to work, so I always told her, isn't it much more comfortable at home than at work? "

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At that time, his wife smiled at me slightly embarrassed. As far as I know, she is actually good at English and quite capable, but now she can only embroider cross-stitch at home.

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Some men will work hard to earn money to support their families and give their wives and children a lot of material security, but they forget that their partners also need to grow, develop and realize themselves. In essence, these people are "satisfying" each other according to their own understanding and needs. For example, they unilaterally think that women are bought by buy buy, and it is good to give enough money. This is dominated by their own ideas, ignoring and belittling each other's feelings and needs.

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A man who truly loves a woman will definitely respect the other person's self-will, self-will and her real experience and feelings. He will communicate and negotiate on an equal footing and seek a win-win situation. They usually respect women as a whole.

Generally, you can observe a man's family of origin to find out what kind of attitude he has towards women in the environment where he lived since childhood. For example, how his father treats his mother is very important, because a boy will identify with his father (unconsciously learn to become like him). You can also observe his attitude and practice towards his mother, sisters and other women, and you can know what will be the content of treating women in his three views.

are you a piece of his perfect life?

the next point I want to talk about may be closer to the essence of the matter, that is, the man who really loves you loves you for completeness, not for perfection. The latter will require that you must be perfect and meet his expectations, while the former can accept your shortcomings and your shadow, and he can accept the real you completely.

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I remember that Li Ao once said when talking about his ex-wife: "Everyone saw the beauty of Hu Yinmeng, but one day, I pushed open the bathroom door and saw Hu squatting on the toilet, flushed and ferocious because of constipation, and the image of the goddess in my mind was ruined." This is probably a typical perfectionist. What Li Ao loves is not the real Hu Yinmeng, but an illusion in his heart.

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People like this are often very narcissistic. People with narcissism problems are often addicted to "shine" and constantly give themselves money through things, careers, others, etc. to make themselves feel brighter. And once the other party has no usable value, it will belittle and dislike. This is exploitation, not love.

People who really love you will make you grow up

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True love is not as simple as touching your lips and saying "I accept all of you".

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There was once a girl whose parents both died in a car accident at the age of 16, and all the light in her life went out at once. But she soon realized that the future life was up to her. Just as there is a saying, "You can't fight for your father, you have to work hard." She studied like crazy and was finally admitted to a medical school. Finally, she used her Excellence to establish a foothold and take root in that city.

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A few years later, she was married and had children, and she became the backbone of a large local hospital with near-perfect performance and desperate spirit. However, she was forced to "take a vacation" in a medical incident. Being unfairly accused and idle at home, she almost went crazy.

once her son made a little mistake in his homework, and she found an outlet to vent her anger, but her son blurted out something that had been suppressed for a long time: "Now you know to take care of me. What about usual?" Work and work, and you will know work! "

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At this moment, it happened that her husband came home from work. "Yo, what's wrong with you two?" "Look at your son! How to talk to me! It's all your fault You spoiled him! "

My husband felt puzzled and secretly angry. He had just been scolded by the leader during the day, so why should he suffer from this cowardly spirit when he got home? But he held back his anger and calmly said to his wife, "Okay, okay, let's calm down, wife. I know you've been upset recently. Let's have a good talk later. Now let's all have a rest and take it easy." %2

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After listening to her husband's words, she seemed to be touched by something in her heart. She also knew that she had just gone too far, but her husband didn't blame her or slam the door. Instead, he was willing to talk to her again, which she had never experienced before ...

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When she returned to the room, she heard her husband ask. Please respect her! " Hearing this, her nose is a little sour.

In the evening, after the child fell asleep, both husband and wife had calmed down. Husband brought a cup of hot water in front of her and said, "I know that this happened in the hospital, and you must be holding a fire in your heart."

"that's everything I once worked so hard to earn, and now it seems to collapse all at once! I am helpless again! Even my son doesn't understand me ... "At some point, she seems to be excited again.

Don't worry, I can see that you lost such a big temper today, not only because of the medical trouble, but also because of your insecurity in the past, right? Don't panic, reason your thoughts, think about what bothers you the most now, grasp that point, speak it out, and we'll discuss how to solve it together, OK?

her husband's words suddenly pulled her back, who was almost about to return to the emotional tornado. Prompted by her husband, she found that her biggest worry was that her career was destroyed, which made her return to the despair when she lost her parents as a child, and she felt that deep fear again.

After hearing this, her husband said to her:

The evidence of this incident is sufficient, which is very beneficial to you. You will be fine. Besides, your professional ability and personality are there. I believe this is what hospital leaders value most. Don't worry!

These years, you have had a really, really hard time. I can also feel that you have been under a lot of pressure. You dare not stop and make yourself not good enough, but you know, honey, you are not alone now! You still have me and this family. You are no longer that lonely little girl.

The husband held her shoulders with both hands, nodded and looked at her, his eyes full of affirmation and conviction.

"Thank you! I was too upset tonight ... "

Nothing! People are not saints, so you don't have to ask so much of yourself. I've always felt that you are living too tight, your strings are too tight, and you can't relax. You don't like to tell me anything, so you have to carry it by yourself. In fact, I really want to help you and get close to you. I sometimes have a hard time at work, in fact, I also need your support!

She was moved by her husband's sincerity again. "Well, I was just thinking, I've been so immersed in my own world these years that I neglected you ..."

Leaning on her husband's shoulder, she felt so relaxed for the first time in more than a decade, and a place in her heart seemed to suddenly open and light came in ...

Legend: The real strength of a man is reflected in the smile of the woman next to him.

Just like anything precious in this world, true love needs time to precipitate, and its quality and color can only be revealed when the days are getting dull and in the midst of crisis and chaos.

When you are embarrassed, ugly and hysterical, when the conflict between you is on the verge, a man who really loves you will show you that he is tolerant and tolerant and can give you a corrective emotional experience; He will protect you from further harm; He is calm, calm, calm, and has a kind of determination not to get involved in emotional storms. He can stop when it is not suitable for communication, which not only protects his face, but also protects your face and prevents both sides from tearing their faces. He is clear and firm in solving problems, does not evade or escape, which will make you feel that you are cared about; He gives you space to express and can listen patiently; At the same time, instead of letting you talk endlessly and get deeper and deeper in the strong emotional storm, I will hand you a rule to help you recover your rationality, which will bring you a sense of strength and direction to turn the tide; He knows you well enough, he can read the stories behind your emotions, hear the voices in your heart, and he can understand what is going on in your heart even better than yourself. He will see your core pain points and needs, gently touch, gently appease, hypnotically give you a new perspective and new beliefs; He dares to express his needs, and he is not afraid to expose his helplessness. He has the ability to present his inner world to you and interact and communicate with you at the deep level rather than the surface.

In this way, two people can really meet each other in the fragile relative and the deepest emotional level, which not only realizes the coordination and combination of the interests of both sides, but also realizes the firm connection between hearts.

Just like in the article "What is the experience of marrying the right person? As mentioned in the book, the right person is the one who can make you grow up. Similarly, a love that can make you grow up instead of getting smaller is true love.

For example, this female doctor was originally a perfectionist "little girl" who was full of insecurity about the world, but when the old wound was activated, her husband took her hand and helped her heal the once-bone-crushing pain a little bit, which made her realize that she could live relaxed, trust and rely on others, and her inner child finally began to get out of the past and experience a new life.

True love is a kind of ability

When we resume the dialogue between the two people in the story, you will find that the man plays the role of appeaser, protector, observer, intervener, coordinator, guide and explorer, and he can flexibly digest and handle his own emotions and the other's emotions, so that the two people can release them moderately and solve them deeply. On the other hand, without the restraint, openness and reflection of the woman, it is difficult to establish a connecting channel between them.

This makes people feel again. Can you win the happiness of marriage just with a red heart? No, love is not only a true feeling, but also an ability! A man who really loves you will only appear in front of you who has the ability to face and accept true love. What we see is that we don't know much about love.

I remember a netizen saying:

Friends and relatives of foreigners who are close friends kiss and hug as soon as they meet. China students are not used to it, and foreigners often ask with regret, "Don't your parents hug and kiss you every day?"

I said, "No."

"Then how do they show their love for you?"

I: ...

Finally, one day I couldn't stand the bombardment and replied, "Cash."

They knelt down, and their previous sense of superiority vanished, expressing their willingness to exchange living in China ...

This is a joke that once made me laugh but suddenly wanted to cry.

In the journey of finding true love, when we were young, we didn't have guides and coaches. When we grew up, we were just students who needed to finish their studies with schoolbags on their backs.

Like teacher Lu Yue in Girl: Is this the only man who raped you?

"The task of our time is no longer to survive and live, but to live like a human being.

In fact, this theme has never existed in China for thousands of years.

Our time has begun to give us opportunities to be human beings.

It's just that we don't know how to be a person yet. "

How about it? Are you willing to learn how to be a person? How to love? How to be loved?

I believe that, in the end, those who are unwilling to get by and are willing to keep on looking for the true meaning will also reap the richest rewards.

if you give someone a rose, there is a lingering fragrance in your hand.