No matter who you want to convince, no matter when and where, no matter what persuasion method you adopt, the only way to succeed is to be able to think from the other side's position.
There is a wall between the persuader and the persuaded. If you violate the persuasion rules and insist on hitting a wall, it will do no harm to just build another wall in front of the original wall. Even if this wall is torn down one day, it will still leave scars that are difficult to eliminate, so persuasion must never be refuted, and we should think from the other side's standpoint.
Persuade from the other side's position.
For the persuaded person, you are on the other side of the fence, so he can only look at things from his own interests.
When persuading others, we should consider the feelings of the other person and see if he is willing, what he thinks in his heart and whether he accepts the request.
Man is a perceptual animal. Subjectively, we are logical and reasonable, but we should not ignore feelings. If you want to build a successful relationship with others, you should consider their feelings. As Paul Capa said, "In dealing with people, talking about feelings is more successful than talking about reason."
There is a story about a lady who went to a shoe store to buy shoes. The male shop assistant in a shoe store had an excellent attitude. He took great pains to find the right size for her, but he couldn't find it. At last he shrugged and said, "It seems that I can't find anyone suitable for you. Your foot is bigger than the other one. "
The lady was very angry and stood up to leave. The manager of the shoe store heard the conversation between them and asked the lady to stay. The male clerk looked at the manager and advised the lady to sit down, and a pair of shoes were sold quickly.
After the lady left, the clerk asked the manager, "How on earth did you make this business?" What I said just now is the same as what you mean, but she is very angry. "
The manager explained, "No, I told her that one foot is smaller than the other."
The manager also told the truth to the lady, but he considered her feelings and spoke to her with skill and respect. He saw the problem from a lady's point of view, so he succeeded. It is very useful to see other people's feelings and then consider them with respect. As the novelist Joseph Conrad said, "Give me the right words and the right tone, and I can push the earth."
Only by considering other people's emotions and taking care of other people's emotions can we be accepted when persuading others, rather than being flatly rejected.
You need to know how others feel and take this into account when persuading. If you don't do this, you will act rashly and let others look down on you in vain. Usually when you think you have considered other people's feelings, what you are really doing is thinking about what you would do if you were them. If you stop speculating about other people's feelings and don't get enough information from them, you may only expose your incomprehension. Once you impose these unwarranted views on others, others will lose confidence in you, they will feel hurt because you don't know them, and sometimes in extreme cases, they will feel cheated and become rebellious.
You should pay attention to that everyone has quite a few different personal experiences, which constitute their views on things, so that you can approach them or change their views. Changing the attitude of others usually means opening their hidden emotions and then offering them better and more useful alternatives.
Consider their thoughts and feelings, and why. They know where their problems are, and they probably think your problems are relatively small, partly because of everyone's inherent naive and self-centered views.
If you want to start persuading others, you must do this: let them talk and try to stand in their position.
"What does the other person need" is the starting point of thinking.
In the process of persuasion, it will not only help to solve the problem, but also better establish and strengthen good interpersonal relationships and achieve the purpose of constructive persuasion. This persuasion is more convincing and can win the conviction of others.
Everyone has something he thinks he is proud of. How valuable it is is another question, but in his own view, it is something worth remembering for life. If you can naturally say what he is proud of, consciously or unconsciously, as long as he has no antipathy to you and as long as he has no other unpleasant stimuli at present, he will be happy to listen to you in a normal mood.
George eastman invented the photographic film, which made the film come into being, and accumulated a wealth as high as 1 billion dollars, thus making himself one of the most prestigious businessmen in the world.
Hysmans once built a Hysmans Music School in Manchester. At the same time, a famous theater was built in memory of his mother. At that time, Adamsen, president of new york Advanced Seating Company, wanted to get the business of ordering these two large seats. So he called the architect in charge of the construction project and agreed to meet Mr. Heismann.
Before meeting Hymans, he asked the architects who knew Hymans about his work style and interests. The architect advised Adamsen, "I know you want to win this business, but I might as well tell you first, if you take more than five minutes, then you have no hope at all. He keeps his word. He is very busy, so you have to hurry to finish your work. "
Adamsen was taken into Huysmans's office, while Huysmans was bending over a pile of papers.
After a while, Heasman looked up and said, "Good morning! Can I help you, sir? "
The architect introduced them to each other first. Then, Adamsen said sincerely, "Mr. Simmons, I have been envious of your office while waiting for you. I envy your office very much. If I can have an office like this myself, I won't care even if I try hard. You know, my job is indoor wood structure. I have never seen a more beautiful office in my life. "
Heasman replied, "You reminded me of something I almost forgot. This office is beautiful, isn't it? I also praised it when it was first built. But now, every time I come here, I always think about many other things, and sometimes I can't take a good look at this room for weeks. "
Adamsen walked over and stroked a panel back and forth with his hand, which looked like he was touching something he loved. "This is made of English oak, right? The organization of English oak is a little different from that of Italian oak. "
Huysmans replied, "Yes, this is oak imported from England. A friend who specializes in joinery chose it for me. "
Next, Hysmans showed Adams around every corner of the house, and showed Adams the part he participated in the design and supervision. He also opened a box with a lock, took out his first film and told Adamsen about his early struggles.
Hysmans sincerely described the misery of being poor at home when he was a child, his mother's hard work, his desire to make a lot of money at that time, and how to do experiments in the office day and night.
"The last time I went to the furniture city, I bought some chairs to take home and put them in my glass sun room. But the sun faded it, so I went to town to buy some paint and repainted the chair myself when I came back. Do you want to see how I draw chairs? Ok, please come to my house, we'll have lunch together, and I'll show you around after dinner. " When Heasman said this, they had been talking for more than two hours. After lunch, Adamsen looked at the chair. The maximum value of each chair is only $65,438+0.50, but Hysmans is proud of them because he painted them himself. Huysmans so proud of things, Adamsen nature is full of praise. In the end, Adamsen got the chair business of those two buildings easily.
Look into your heart and show your story.
The best outcome of persuasion in life is that the two sides reach an agreement, and one of the effective ways to achieve this goal is to inspire the other side to exchange psychological positions, let the other side understand the psychology of others, and actively adjust their attitudes and behaviors. This method is empathy.
Based on the assumption of language, we can achieve the goal of mutual concern; You can also express yourself with your own behavior, let the other person understand other people's psychology, and then adjust your words and deeds, so as to take care of each other.
The clerk is good at doing business. His turnover is higher than that of ordinary salesmen. Someone asked him, "Is it because he has a glib tongue that his business is booming?" He replied, "No, my secret weapon is to treat customers as our own."
One day, a customer stood in front of the counter and looked around. He also touched the cloth on the counter from time to time, but refused to buy goods. The clerk judged by experience that the customer wanted to buy a piece of cloth, so he quickly stepped forward and said, "Do you want to buy this material?" This material is very good, but you should take a closer look. This cloth is dyed in different colors. If I were you, I would buy that piece instead of this one. "
As he spoke, the clerk pulled out a piece of cloth with dark stripes from the counter, unfolded it under the lamp, and then said, "You look like an official cadre, about my age. Clothes made of this material will be better and more beautiful, regardless of the price. This material costs more than three yuan per meter, and it costs more than seven yuan to make a suit. Please take a closer look and carefully calculate which economy. "
Seeing that the shop assistant was so enthusiastic, the customer helped him to choose fabrics and pick and choose, so he no longer hesitated and bought the materials recommended by the shop assistant.
The success of shop assistants in this business is due to the application of empathy. From the buyer's point of view, he carefully calculated for the customer and presented himself, which greatly reduced the other party's alert and defensive psychology and produced a consistent sense of identity, so he persuaded his opponent and made a deal.
Empathy is to plan and consider from the other person's point of view, to understand his psychology, his needs and his difficulties. This way of persuasion is easy for the other party to accept and reach a unified understanding.
Persuade to find a point of convergence with * * *
No matter how exquisite a person makes up words, how to collect examples, how harmonious his voice is, and how elegant his gestures are, if he can't find a point of convergence between the two sides, these can only be empty and dazzling decorations.
A skilled persuader knows how to get the approval of the other party from the beginning. So he set up a psychological identification process for the audience and let them move in the direction of identification. It moves like billiards in a billiards game. Pushing back in one direction requires a certain amount of force to deflect, and pushing back in the opposite direction requires more force.
Psychological form is obvious in this respect. When a person says "no", he really means it. All he does is say the word. His whole body will shrink and enter a state of resistance. Usually, he has a slight degree of physical withdrawal, or is ready to withdraw, and sometimes it is even obvious. In short, the entire nervous and muscular system is vigilant against acceptance. However, on the contrary, when a person says "yes", there is no way out. The whole body is in a state of progress, acceptance and openness. Therefore, the more we can induce "yes" from the beginning, the more likely we are to successfully capture the audience's attention.
Lincoln said, "The way I started and won the debate was to find a common ground." Even when discussing the problem of highly violent slaves, he can find this agreement.
In all kinds of disputes, no matter how big the differences are and how acute the problems are, there will always be a certain point of convergence, which will make the other party feel happy.
For example, when British Prime Minister Macmillan gave a speech in both houses of the South African Federal Parliament, the South African authorities pursued the policy of apartheid, but he had to state in front of the legislature that there was no racial discrimination in Britain. Did he expect this basic difference from the beginning? No, he emphasized from the beginning that South Africa has made great economic achievements and made great contributions to the world. Then he cleverly and tactfully put forward different views. His whole speech was wonderful. "As a citizen of Great Britain," the Prime Minister said, "I am eager to give support and encouragement to South Africa, but I hope you don't mind my candour: in our own territory, we are trying to give free people a political future. This is our deepest belief, and we can't support and encourage you without violating our belief. I think we should be friends, no matter who is right or wrong, and face the fact that there are differences between us in today's world. "
No matter how firmly a person disagrees with the speaker's point of view, such a statement will convince him of the fairness and frankness of the speaker.
If Prime Minister Macmillan emphasizes the differences between the two sides' policies at the beginning of his speech, but does not put forward the points of agreement, the consequences will be very bad.
The other person's preference is a sufficient reason for persuasion.
Everyone has his own preferences. If you can start from this aspect in persuasion, you will have a convenient good impression and persuasion will be easy to succeed.
The late Dr. Harper was the president of the University of Chicago, which was the best president of his time. He is good at raising huge sums of money.
On one occasion, Mr Harper needed an extra $654.38 million to build a new building. He took a list of millionaires in Chicago and studied who he could raise donations from. As a result, he chose them both, both millionaires, and both of them were enemies of great hatred.
One of them was then the president of the downtown Chicago tram company. Dr. Harper chose one day at noon-because at this time, the office staff, especially the president's secretary, may have gone out for dinner-and walked into his office leisurely. The other party was surprised at his sudden appearance.
Dr Harper introduced himself and said, "My name is Harper, and I am the president of the University of Chicago. Please forgive me for barging in, but I found no one in the office outside, so I had to decide for myself and went in. "
"I think of you many times, and your downtown tram company. You have built a good tram system, and I know you have made a lot of money from it. However, every time I think of you, I always think that one day you will enter the unknown world. After you left, you left no memorial in this world, because others will take your money away, and once the money changes hands, it will soon forget who its original owner was.
I often want to give you a chance to make your name immortal. I can allow you to build a new building in the University of Chicago, which will be named after you. I've wanted to give you this opportunity for a long time, but a director of the school board wants to leave this honor to Mr. X (he is the enemy of the boss of the tram company). However, I personally have always admired you and still support you now. If you allow me to do this, I will persuade the opponents of the school board to support you.
Today, I don't ask you to make any decision. It's just that I happened to be passing by, and I wanted to drop by, meet you and chat. You can think about it. If you want to talk to me about it again, please call me when you are free.
Goodbye, sir! I'm glad to have this opportunity to talk to you. "
With these words, he bowed his head and then retired, without giving the boss of the tram company any chance to express his opinions. In fact, the boss of the tram company has no chance to speak at all. It was Mr. Harper who spoke, which he had planned in advance. He entered the other party's office just to plant a seed, which he believed would sprout and grow as long as the time came.
As he had expected, the phone rang as soon as he got back to the school office. Is the owner of the tram company. He asked for an appointment with Dr. Harper and was granted. The next morning, the two met in Dr. Harper's office. An hour later, a check for $654.38 million was delivered to Dr. Harper.
To clearly demonstrate Mr Harper's persuasiveness. We might as well make this hypothesis again. After meeting the boss of the car company, he began to say, "The University of Chicago is in urgent need of funds to build a building. I have come to ask for your help. You earn a lot of money, so you should contribute to the society that makes you earn a lot of money. If you are willing to donate100000 dollars to us, we will engrave your name on the new building we are going to build. " If so, what will be the result?
Obviously, there is not enough motivation to arouse the interest of the tram company boss. These words may be true, but he may not want to admit the fact.
The genius of Dr. Harper is that he gives a speech in a special way and creates opportunities. Dr Harper put the boss of the tram company on the defensive. Tell the boss that I'm not sure I can persuade the board of directors to accept the boss's wish and let his name appear in the new building, because Dr. Harper has instilled the idea in the boss's mind that if you don't donate, your opponent and competitor may get honor.
Dr Harper is an outstanding master of languages. When he asks for a donation, he always paves the way for his successful donation. He first buried a sufficient reason in the mind of the person who asked for donations, explaining why he should donate; This reason will naturally emphasize some benefits after donating to this donor. Usually, this benefit is commercial. At the same time, it will also arouse some interest in the nature of the object, thus prompting him to hope that his name will be immortal after his death. Moreover, usually he always has to carefully think out a suitable scheme in advance, and use superb persuasion skills to make the scheme more perfect and appropriate, and then persuade him accordingly.
Stick gold on each other's faces
If there is any secret to persuading others, it is to put yourself in others' shoes and understand their attitudes and opinions. If you argue blindly for your own views and opinions, you will often only fall into the dilemma of pushing the cow and shirking.
In the process of interacting with people, people who are open-minded and humble are the most pleasing. They can lose face themselves, but always remember to give face to others. Even when persuading others, persuasion experts should first understand each other's wishes and then consider the problem.
Emerson, an American philosopher and poet, wanted to drive a calf into the bullpen with his son one day. But they made a mistake. They only consider their own wishes. Emerson pushed the calf at the back, and his son pulled the calf at the front. But the calf also has its own wishes. It put its two front hoofs on the ground and stubbornly refused to act according to their father and son's wishes. The calf didn't wear a nose rope. It stubbornly refused to leave the pasture. When their Irish maid saw this, she couldn't help smiling and helping them. She fully understands the calf's wishes. She was working in the kitchen just now, and her fingers smelled salty, just like a cow nursing milk. She put her salty hand into the calf's mouth and let it be sucked into the barn.
From this story, we can easily realize that animals still have their own wishes, let alone people. If you don't know each other's wishes and only think about your own ideas, it will inevitably lead to social failure.
If you want to persuade a person to do something, you'd better ask yourself before you speak: "If it were me, why would I want to do it?"
In this respect, Carnegie, the master of interpersonal relationship, can be called a master. He said something like this:
He rents an auditorium in a hotel in new york for 20 nights every season to teach social training courses.
One quarter, when he first started teaching, he was suddenly told to pay three times more rent than before. Before the news came, the tickets had been printed and sent out, and other lesson preparation matters had been completed.
Naturally, he wants to negotiate. How can we negotiate successfully? They are interested in what they want. Two days later, he went to the manager.
"I was a little shocked to receive your notice." He said, "But it's not your fault. If I were in your position, I might write the same notice. You are the manager of this hotel, and your responsibility is to make the hotel as profitable as possible. If you don't do this, your manager position will be hard to keep, and neither should you. If you insist on raising the rent, let's sum up whether it is good or bad for you. "
"Let's talk about the positive side first," Carnegie said. "The auditorium is not rented to lecturers, but to parties and parties, which can make a lot of money. Because this kind of activity is not held for a long time, they can pay a high rent at one time, which is of course much more than my rent. Rent it to me, obviously you have suffered a big loss. "
"Now, consider the negative side. First of all, you increased my rent, but decreased my income. Because in fact, you kicked me out. Since I can't afford the rent you want, I must find another place to run the training class. "
"There is another fact against you. This training course will attract thousands of educated middle and senior managers to your hotel for classes. Isn't this a free advertisement for you? In fact, you can't invite so many people to visit your hotel in person by spending 5000 yuan on an advertisement in the newspaper, but my training class invited you. Isn't it worth it? "
Say that finish Carnegie left: "Please think it over before you reply to me." Of course, at last the manager gave in.
In Carnegie's persuasion work, Carnegie's persuasion succeeded. In the process of success, he said nothing about what he wanted. He thinks from the other side's point of view.
Imagine if he rushed into the manager's office and raised his voice and shouted, "What does this mean?" ! You know I have printed out the admission ticket and sent it out. Everything is ready for class, but you want to increase the rent by 300%. Aren't you trying to lie? ! 300%! What a big breath! You are sick! I won't pay! "
Think about it, what should it be like? If you have a big fight, you will lose everything, and you will know the inevitable result of the quarrel: even if Carnegie can argue with the other party, the hotel manager's self-esteem will hardly make him admit his mistake and withdraw his original intention.
Satisfy others first, then satisfy yourself.
No one will listen to your opinions or suggestions casually, unless you talk about the topic that the other person is most interested in, you can't convince others.
Persuasive people can always find a shortcut to success, that is, satisfy others first, and then satisfy themselves. They can always get a lot of benefits from it, and even turn defeat into victory.
The new editor is willing to experience their hardships. More importantly, he is so enthusiastic about solving the housing problem that everyone has been worried about. If he does not support such an editor-in-chief, who can he support? Before he finished his speech, the table was full of applause and everyone began to support him.
A female singer plans to go to Southeast Asia to perform singing and dancing. She needs a short play or two. She knows that there is a writer in Hong Kong who admires her. She thought, "if only he could write it himself!" " "But the female singer also knows that although the screenwriter is proficient in Chinese and Western cultures and has a funny writing style, he is eccentric and busy.
So the singer called her friend and said that she had been introduced by a director and would have dinner with the screenwriter that evening, but she didn't know how to ask him.
"What short play are you going to ask him to write?"
"He can do anything he wants, as long as he is willing to write."
"This is not good. He doesn't understand your hobbies, and his writing may be unsatisfactory. When you feel dissatisfied and let him modify it, the problem will be serious! "
"I want him to write the Romance of Sargam for me most, but there must be new content, not old stories."
"That's good. He has written many such things before. All you have to do is say that you know he wrote these plays and admire them. "
Two days later, the singer called his friend back and said happily, "He promised to write me two short plays without waiting for my request."
Her friend asked, "At dinner, he kept talking about his past masterpieces, didn't he?"
"You guessed it, I mainly talked about how his works are popular in the mainland."
This is the success of catering to the interests of others!
Aren't other persuasion processes like this? Have you ever noticed other people's interests? Have you ever tried to get along with others? Some people are naturally persuasive, which is certainly good. But if you are not a genius, you need to learn.
Anyone who knows Roosevelt will be surprised by his extensive knowledge. Whether he was a shepherd boy, a hunter, a politician or a diplomat, Roosevelt seemed to know what to talk to him about. So, how did he do it? Actually, the answer is simple. Before receiving guests, Roosevelt would spend some time to know what the guests were particularly interested in, and sometimes even stayed up all night to find a topic of interest to this person. Like all leaders, Roosevelt knew the secret of communicating with others: talking about the topics they were most interested in.
So, if you want to convince others to be interested in you, remember: if you need others to do something or take your advice, you must first satisfy others' preferences.
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