When a person sits cross-legged, he will think of walking into a nightclub of forty or fifty people more than 20 years ago, eating "ecstasy" and singing and dancing. The crowd surrounded him and shouted "three brothers and three brothers" in unison. At that time, he was in his early twenties, carrying a "little brother" with him and looking for new "excitement" every day.

He broke his leg because of drug abuse and drug trafficking; Being reeducated through labor, being sent to prison to serve his sentence, and repeatedly giving up drugs for not less than 20 times; My daughter hasn't held her for a day since she was five months old.

Zhou is from Hainan, with a thin figure and prominent cheekbones. His cheeks are sunken, his eyebrows are pale and his eyes are sharp. Others called him "the big brother of the underworld", saying that he chose the wrong path for his livelihood.

Now, he is wearing an inconspicuous sweatshirt, and the zipper of his coat is regularly pulled under his neck. All the "brothers" around him are old, some are in prison, some are shot, some are killed, and few are doing well.

Standing on the podium everywhere, he repeatedly told these past events as a negative example.

Last year, Zhou was selected as "Top Ten Volunteers" by Guangdong Volunteers Federation. The most praised sentence by others is: "He is a completely different person".

one

/kloc-At the age of 0/4, Zhou was still in the fourth grade of primary school. He was expelled from school for fighting, so he didn't dare to go home. He spent all day with street thugs.

/kloc-When he was 0/5 years old, one of his friends was beaten. He took seven or eight "brothers" and cracked his spleen. The police can't find him. His father asked around about his whereabouts and took the police to catch him in the rental house. He was sentenced to five years' imprisonment and put into Guangdong Juvenile Crime Center.

Just out of prison, he also tried to take the "right path" and wash his hair in his sister's hair salon. He advised his brothers around him to stop fighting. But they all said, "If you say that now, the fight will definitely be fiercer than ours."

One day after half a year, three friends were beaten black and blue and ran to find him. One of them has been following his classmates since primary school. He talked about "loyalty" and let more than 20 brothers vent their anger on him.

Relying on "prestige", he became the core figure of the "gang", and his brothers around him nicknamed him. "Long Kun San" and "Long Kun" are all place names, and he ranks third in the family.

"Long Kun San" was selected by the casino owner to watch the game. He wears a yellow riveted suit and shiny leather shoes all day, and combs his hair behind his head, going in and out of dance halls, casinos and hotels.

There was a riot in the casino and he was asked to "keep order". Only in his early twenties, he cut down with a machete and cut off his hamstring, while all his friends around him were shot by the other side.

Fighting and killing all day.

He doesn't enjoy the days of "fighting for money". "To survive", one day at a time.

He is ruthless, and he will never be soft when others provoke him. Once, he was playing in a ballroom and was accidentally kicked by a "drug addict". He felt so humiliated that he went out and called dozens of people to beat him up.

Soon, Zhou became the "land" that everyone talked about, and a group of younger brothers surrounded him, all of whom were "friends".

For the sake of so-called face and "loyalty", "I regard my life as worthless." At the age of 2 1, he played a killer and helped his friends collect debts on the streets of Shenzhen. At that time, he felt like a gangster in the movie.

1989 autumn, first contact with drugs, out of control. "Young and dangerous people" are divided into two categories: those who love children and those who beat them; Drug addicts. Almost all the fifty people around him took drugs, and they fought with him everywhere when they were teenagers.

Later, he got involved in the drug business and pursued the "absolute fairness" of an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. He hacked many people in the past and was chased by many people.

At the age of 25, the police arrested him. He jumped directly from the fourth floor and escaped arrest, but his left knee was stitched with more than 70 stitches and could not be bent for half a year. In front of the newspaper reporter, he lifted his trouser legs, revealing a long scar on his knee, lying on his knee like a centipede.

He broke his leg, so he didn't dare to sell medicine any more.

But addiction is like the devil's companion. During the attack, he curled up in bed, his body was hot and cold, and he was in a daze all night, and his head kept swelling. He raised drug money by debt collection and robbery, and smoked and quit, and quit and smoked.

He has been taking drugs for more than 20 years, and has been to compulsory detoxification for 7 times, at least 9 times in the hospital and over 20 times.

In 2009, his father died. He was detoxified in a drug rehabilitation center and was tortured to death by drug addiction. Once he came home from a drug rehabilitation center, but he didn't completely give up drug addiction. Even after taking the medicine, he still can't sleep in bed. Mother cut the watermelon and gave it to him. He was very unhappy and threw it out, while his mother was wiping her tears.

two

"If you could start over, what kind of life would you choose?"

"Is there a if in life?" He asked.

Zhou is 49 years old and didn't get married until after forty. Before, he always said that he was too busy to get married. As for what he is busy with, he doesn't know himself.

Three women had nine abortions for him. When he was still serving his sentence in prison, his family chose a wedding day for him. Two months after he was released from prison, he married Lin Yan.

At that time, I was watching Zhou in the casino, but I was "running orders" in the casino. Several friends had tea and chatted together, and then they got together.

His wife is younger than him 1 1 year. /kloc-When she was 0/9 years old, she followed him and had three abortions for him. She was not pregnant for the next five years. Lin Yan's parents are simple farmers, and their warning is that the identified people will follow them all their lives.

Lin Yan looks small and beautiful. She knew that Zhou was fighting and taking drugs outside, and she was worried about it all day. "The child was born. If he is caught and shot, the child will have no father. "

She waits outside for men to go home every day, but men go home for four days at most a month, staying only for three or four hours a day, changing clothes and leaving. The woman didn't touch a mouthful of rice on the table.

During the day and night, he seldom has time to go home. The hotel is 200 meters away from home. When you are tired of playing at night, you can stay in a hotel directly with other women.

Lin Yan believes that she has no ability to change this man. She once ran to Singapore and hid for three months, and finally "resigned" and returned to Hainan.

Just a few months after giving birth, I seldom go home. There are only two people in the whole building, Lin Yan and the children. The night is bottomless. As soon as the child cried, she became restless and shouted hysterically.

When the child was five months old, she wanted a divorce. At that time, my sister Zhou repeatedly persuaded her to return her "complete husband". My sister believes in Buddhism and insists on taking him to a foundation in Guangzhou to study traditional culture.

When the child was seven months old, Zhou went to Guangzhou to volunteer, holding the child to accompany him to volunteer. When asked why she was willing to follow the man all the time, she stared at the floor and was silent for a moment.

According to Zhou, the crying of the child and the roar of his wife made him into self-doubt: Zhou did not hug her or wash her with milk powder or diapers for five months after her birth.

On that occasion, he just stood at the door of his house and froze for a few minutes. Come to my mind, I have thought a lot about how my daughter will grow up and be a human being in the future. In his words, this photo woke him up.

When her daughter was eight months old, Zhou took her mother and wife to study in the foundation. After the course, he decided to stay there as a volunteer.

Every time I used to pick up my daughter, she would break away from him in tears, just like a stranger. Now, he sleeps with his daughter, tells her bedtime stories and sings lullabies.

That night, her daughter had a fever of 39 degrees. He scrubbed the child again and again, put his face on his daughter's face, and learned to communicate with her in a child's tone to alleviate her pain.

The next morning, the couple had a disagreement on taking their daughter to the hospital. His wife advocates taking the children to the hospital, but Zhou opposes taking injections and taking medicine. He insisted on using the "indigenous method" first, and then went to the hospital if the fever did not drop. Finally, he went to the nearby market to buy some ginger and rubbed it on his daughter's arm according to the "indigenous method".

He often sings a song with his daughter in his arms: "I want to find my father, and I want to look for my father everywhere." My good father has not been found yet. If you want to see him, tell him to go home. "

This song is also for myself.

three

"Long Kun San" left his hometown of Hainan and became a "post-school".

"Teacher Zhou is a senior volunteer who has worked for many years and is older than us." Volunteers said in front of Zhou.

"No, I am an idle person." Zhou has a loud voice and looks polite.

From 20 12, I volunteered in Dongguan and Shenzhen, and my mother was also from Hainan. The family crowded into the rental house and moved back and forth three times. Most of the time, he spent in the small courtyard of the foundation, with the kitchen and dormitory at two o'clock and one line.

When the foundation started classes, I went to the kitchen at 5: 30 in the morning, prepared the ingredients for the day, cooked the dishes, and worked as a chef for a day. His wife helps him cook, prepare dishes, stir-fry, clean up, take care of children, do finance and purchase in the canteen.

Some young people who are confused in life talk to him. Guangdong is hot and humid, and there are many mosquitoes in the yard. They lie on his arm and suck blood. He talked with visitors in the open space of the foundation compound and waved mosquitoes from time to time.

"I've never seen another person change so much." Liu Junfeng said.

There is a "traditional culture teacher class" in the foundation. Only after taking this class can you be qualified to share. Zhou has been afraid to sign up. The reason is that the "teacher class" has a condition that it must write an autobiography. At first, he didn't have the courage to write down those "disgraceful past". He felt that there was nothing worth writing about.

"He is the most qualified." Liu Junfeng said.

Zhou took a pen and wrote a few words trembling. Jump directly when you encounter words that you can't write. Ask other volunteers how to write the missing words. In two days, he wrote an autobiography of more than 1000 words.

Everyone he meets is regarded as a "teacher" and everyone calls him a "teacher".

Zhou and her daughter are in the classroom of the foundation.

In a year's time, he went to temples in Dongguan, Shenzhen and Yiguang as a volunteer to chat with a monk. In Donghua Temple, he had his own name "proof" and was exposed to traditional culture and Confucianism.

Zhou Wenhua is low, and many things can't be remembered clearly, but he puts "being a son, stopping at filial piety; Being a father stops at kindness.

When he was in Dongguan, he took his mother's hand to watch TV, washed her feet and manicured her nails. At first, her mother felt uncomfortable, and after several times, she got used to her son's change. He walked with his mother by the hand. Her mother talked about things decades ago over and over again. He listened to the laughter and pretended that it was always the first time.

20 14, Zhou was very nervous when he learned that his mother had a cold, cough and even incontinence. Since then, he has been a vegetarian for two years. Until mom gets better.

Other family members' attitudes towards him have also changed. My brother stopped yelling at him, and he was not as arrogant as before. When he was young, he worshipped his brother very much and dreamed of being like him. "It is very important to do things with virtue." But in the end, I took a completely different path.

Now every time I go back to Hainan in the middle of the night, my brother has to drive to pick him up. He disagreed and called a taxi himself.

Just after volunteering in Guangzhou for half a year, I returned to Hainan during the Spring Festival, and my old brothers gathered at home again. Many people think that he has become stupid and advise him to go back and make a lot of money, otherwise he will be eliminated by society.

Zhou feels that he can't influence those brothers now, and he wants to teach those friends to read in person when he has the opportunity. He felt that they were still dreaming and "not awake".

Some brothers haven't seen each other for several years, and only once every six months do they know which ones are "dead" and which ones are arrested.

In 2006, he met a brother who came out of juvie. Many people also take drugs, and some people loan sharks in Macao. "Hard and unhappy."

Speaking of the past, he was a little uneasy. He sometimes wonders why he has been going downhill for so many years and why he can change that habit after decades of accumulation.

Many things in the past, he has begun to forget, and occasionally think of some fragments, just like watching other people's movies. He thinks that movies are processed art and he lives a real life.

four

The police of the prison system found Zhang Hua, the secretary general of the foundation, and planned to send someone to the prison to tell the prisoners about traditional culture. But reading the script didn't impress the police officer. Zhang Hua called Zhou, who was cooking in the kitchen, and told him his experience. The police officer said, "This is good!"

He went to Panyu prison with 108 people from the Foundation. The iron gates of the prison are stacked on top of each other, and there are four or five thousand prisoners. He chatted with prisoners one by one, talking about traditional culture and telling stories about himself and his daughter.

He feels that he has read too little and can't tell the truth. He can only talk about his own affairs. Usually, he will start with his experience of being infected with drugs and fighting against it, and end with persuading people to read the "Four Books and Five Classics" and "Read more".

So far, he has shared it four times, once in school and three times in prison drug rehabilitation center.

He seldom talks about it at ordinary times. Many volunteers around him ask him from time to time, and some people ask him to preach in communities, units and enterprises, but he feels that only those who have been to drug rehabilitation centers and prisons have their own experiences.

Although he tried to get rid of the past, it always accompanied him.

Once he checked into a hotel in Futian District, Shenzhen, and registered his ID card at the front desk. In the evening, the police came, and then he was taken to Futian police station to take photos and scan his fingerprints.

Every time I check my ID card by car, as long as there is a criminal record in the system, he will be taken away by the police for questioning. At first he felt nervous, embarrassed and embarrassed. Until 20 14, he returned to Luohu bus station after volunteering in Dongshan Temple, dressed in a Tang suit and carrying a cloth bag. He was stopped when he got on the bus and said he would take him to the police office for a urine test. After the test results came out, he was proved innocent. Zhou bowed to the other party and said, "Thank you for your trouble." The inspector was shocked and went to comfort him. "Because my respect for others is exchanged for others' respect for me, I am not discriminated against. "

Now, he tries not to stay in the hotel. When you pass the security check, you will confess your criminal record directly to avoid unnecessary trouble.

After being in a daze for more than 20 years, he began to think that people should have "mindfulness", do more things for others, and how to calm down and be more tolerant. He took his two younger brothers to the foundation to study Chinese studies and volunteer. One is the younger generation of his family; One is his friend's child.

A friend's child was arrested for selling "K powder". After going out, I used to do drug business with Zhou, and later I followed him to Guangzhou as a volunteer. A few months later, I returned to my hometown and became a takeaway brother.

On April 20 14, as soon as Zhou Qijian came out of the labor camp, he was taken to the foundation by Zhou as a volunteer.

Zhou Qijian, 28, chose to stay as a volunteer. He saw the change of Zhou. "I seldom see someone turn around. They all went into darkness. Like now he can sit down and meditate, cultivate his mind and turn around. Few people can do it. "

Now, whenever he is free, Zhou will play Tai Chi, sit still, meditate and learn Disciples Rules. There is a pile of meditation books on his pillow. When he comes across a word he doesn't know, he looks it up in the dictionary. Three years ago, he read a book about spiritual practice and went to the temple to find a mage and meditate with him.

There are two small tape recorders next to his pillow, recording the Buddhist teachings and heart sutras told by the master. When he is not reading, he turns on the tape recorder and plays it repeatedly. For several years, he has been fighting against what he sees as "evil". Of course, he also has new troubles, such as the direction of life. But he thought for a moment, don't frame yourself, everything will come naturally.

Last year, the Guangdong Volunteer Federation selected the top ten volunteers, and the person from the Foundation reported for the week, and he was selected. Later, he gave the bank card a bonus of 2000 yuan, and he never went to see it again.

He stood in the square for several hours when the award was presented. He thought, if in the past, he would never do this.