1)

A patient comes to a psychiatrist....

What should the doctor do...

I always thought I was a bird...

Doctor: Oh...that's serious...

Since when...

Patient: Since I was a little bird...

(2)

Wearing black clothes every day...holding a black umbrella...

Squatting in the mental hospital At the door...

The doctor wanted to...

To treat her... we must start by understanding her...

So ...The doctor also wore black clothes...holding a black umbrella...

Squatting over there with her...

Two I squatted in silence for a month...

The old lady finally spoke to the doctor:

Excuse me-------

Are you---also a mushroom------?

(3)

Patients in the psychiatric department of hospitals often have questions about doctors or nurses. Admiration complex.

One day, a female patient came to a male doctor...

Female patient: Doctor Lan, do you love me?

Dr. Lan thought for a long time (in order not to hurt the patient and avoid worsening of the condition)

Dr. Lan: Our relationship is between doctor and patient. Because you are sick, I must take good care of you. You...

(In order not to hurt the patient, Dr. Lan explained for a long time and finally finished)

Female patient: Dr. Lan, you mean you don’t love me oh?

Dr. Lan (thinking hard): Hmm... um... um...

Female patient: Fortunately... I love Dr. Chen...

(4)

There was a mental hospital, and two mentally ill patients could be discharged. However, the director was afraid that they would commit another crime again, so he warned them: "If any of you commit another crime again, The other one has to call the hospital, otherwise he will not be allowed to leave the hospital!"

They all agreed.

One day, the hospital suddenly called, "Hey! Hey! Hey! My companion suddenly ran to the table and said he was a lamp!"

"Oh no! Then!" Why don’t you send him back quickly!”

“But I don’t have a lamp to send him back.”

(5)

A doctor at a mental hospital is going to talk to a mental patient who is about to be discharged from the hospital to confirm whether the patient has fully recovered.

Doctor: What are you going to do after you are discharged from the hospital?

Patient: Use rocks to break all the window glass in your hospital.

After hearing this, the doctor found that the patient had not fully recovered, so he decided to continue treatment. After a few more months, the doctor felt that the patient seemed ready to be discharged from the hospital, and decided to talk to him again.

Doctor: What are you going to do after you are discharged from the hospital?

Patient: Get a job.

Doctor: What next?

Patient: Make money.

Doctor: What next?

Patient: Save money.

Doctor: What next?

Patient: Marry a wife.

Doctor: What next?

Patient: bridal chamber.

Doctor: What next?

Patient: Take off her clothes.

Doctor: What next?

Patient: Take off her pants.

Doctor: What next?

Patient: Take off her underwear.

Doctor: What next?

Patient: Take out the rubber bands from your underwear, make a slingshot, and find some rocks to smash all the window glass in your hospital.

(6)

Psychiatrist A stole the phone number book from the nurse's office back to the ward. Ask B: "What do you think of the novel I recently completed?"

B looked at it and replied: "Not bad, not bad. However, there are just too many characters."

At this time, the nurse from the mental hospital came in and said: "Put the phone number book back for me!"

(7)

A mental hospital listened It was said that the leaders would come to the hospital to inspect the situation, so the dean called a meeting for the patients. At the meeting, the dean said: "This afternoon, very important leaders are coming to visit, and everyone must go to the door to welcome them. During the welcome When I cough, all the patients must stand on both sides of the hospital gate and stand neatly. When I cough, everyone claps together, the more enthusiastically, the better; when I stamp my feet, they must all stop and no one can make a mistake. "You can eat meat buns for everyone tonight. If one person messes up, everyone will have no buns to eat. Remember?" The patients in the audience shouted together: "Remember!"

This afternoon, the leader arrived on time. When he stepped into the door, the welcoming patients were already standing at the door. At this time, as the director coughed, all the patients clapped together to welcome him, and the atmosphere was very warm. The visiting leaders were infected by the warm atmosphere and walked into the hospital with smiles on their faces and applause with everyone. Seeing that the leader had entered the hospital, the director stamped his feet and all the applause stopped. It was very neat. Only this leader was still walking forward with a smile and applause. The dean was very satisfied.

Suddenly, a patient as strong as Schwarzenegger sprang out from the welcoming crowd, strode up to the leader, gave him a big slap in the face with a round fist, and shouted angrily-- "You don't want to eat steamed buns anymore?!!!"

In a psychiatric hospital, a doctor was testing three patients.

He asked the first patient: "What is 3 times 3?"

The first patient counted for a while and said: "Two hundred and seventy-four!"

p>

The doctor said: "No"

So he asked the second patient, and the second patient said: "It's equal to Tuesday!"

"It's equal to Tuesday?!" The doctor Very surprised. So I asked the third patient.

The third patient said without hesitation: "It's equal to 9!"

"Hey~ So smart!" The doctor praised, "Then how did you calculate it?"

The patient said: "It's very simple, just divide Tuesday by two hundred and seventy-four!"

Doctor:...

The second sentence Joke (should be an old joke):

A mental patient was writing a letter. The doctor saw it and asked: "What are you doing?"

Patient: "No Did you see me writing a letter?"

Doctor: "Who are you writing to?"

Patient: "To myself!"

Doctor: "Then what do you write?"

Patient: "You are mentally ill. How do I know what to write before I receive it?!"

Doctor: ...

Taste

The psychiatrist asked the young woman who was seeking treatment for the first time:

“You said you came to see me because you were interested in socks. Does the taste worry your family?"

"Yes," the patient whispered, "I like wool socks."

"That's not unusual at all," the doctor said. , "Many people prefer wool socks, and I am like this myself." "Really?" the patient exclaimed, "Do you like steamed or fried socks?" ”

The disease is not gone

After several months of treatment, the doctor said that his disease was finally cured. The psychiatrist assured him: "You will never think that you are Adam again." I’m going to write to Eve and tell her the good news! ”

Obsession Disease

A man is suffering from baseball obsession, and a psychiatrist is treating him. treat.

“Things were so bad that I couldn’t sleep at all. Every time I closed my eyes I saw myself as a pitcher, or running the bases all over the field, so that when I got up I felt better than when I went to bed. Exhausted. What should I do?" the patient said.

"Why don't you try to imagine hugging a beautiful girl?" said the doctor.

"Are you crazy? How do I hit the ball?"

Such an effect

"I heard that you are asking a psychiatrist to see a doctor. Do you think it is good for you? Does it help?"

"Of course it does.

A few weeks ago, I was afraid to answer the phone when it rang. But now, whether the phone rings or not, I answer it. ”

Emergency?

A psychiatrist received a frantic phone call in the middle of the night from one of his patients suffering from kleptomania

Come. "Doctor, you must help me," he begged, "I have this old habit of stealing again. "

"Oh, for God's sake," the psychiatrist replied, "steal two cigarettes right here in the ashtray and call me in the morning. Bar. ”

God and the Pope

A rich man donated a huge sum of money to a mental hospital. When he visited

a mental patient said to him Shout: “I am the Pope! "

The rich man frowned and said, "Who said that? "

The patient actually said confidently: "God said it! "

At this time, another patient jumped out and said loudly: "No, I didn't say such a thing

This guy thinks he is the Pope. "

Different

A mentally ill patient was walking upside down in the hospital.

The doctor said: "Jack, stand up straight and walk quickly. , How tiring it is to walk like this! "

He turned a deaf ear and still went his own way.

The doctor asked again: "Why did you do such a strange thing? "

He walked backwards and said: "I walked like this to look different from other patients

so that people would no longer regard me as a mental patient. "

A nonsense

The new director of the lunatic asylum walked up to a patient and asked him why he entered the lunatic asylum.

"Doctor, this is it. I am married to a widow with an adult daughter. My father married

her daughter, so my wife became her father-in-law’s mother-in-law, and her daughter became my stepdaughter and stepmother. My stepmother gave birth to a son, who became my brother and my wife’s grandson. I also had a son who became his grandfather's brother-in-law and his own uncle's uncle. On the other hand, my father refers to his grandson as his brother-in-law, and my son calls his sister his grandmother. I now think that I am my mother's father, my grandson's brother

brother, and my wife is her son-in-law's daughter and her grandson's sister. Now I don't know whether I am my grandfather, my brother's father, or my son's nephew, because my son is my father's brother-in-law. Dean, that's why I'm here. I feel calmer here than at

home. "

Looks similar

The patient in the mental hospital said to the new doctor: "Doctor, we all like you very much.

We think you are better than the previous one. The doctor is much better. ”

Doctor: “Thank you, why?” ”

Patient: “You look similar to us. "

How did that happen?

When someone visited the lunatic asylum, he saw a lunatic hanging himself from the beam and making a weird laugh of "Ha

Ha" He heard the sound and asked another lunatic: "Why is he doing this! ”

“He regarded himself as a chandelier. "

"Ahem, your hospital is really irresponsible. Why didn't you remind him and let him come down? "

"How can it happen? If he comes down, without the chandelier, the surroundings will be pitch black

? ”

Not this trademark

A mental patient has always said that there is a beer bottle in his stomach for many years. The doctor explained to him in various ways

that this was a This time, when he was going to the hospital for surgery because of appendicitis, the surgeon and the psychiatrist discussed using this opportunity to eliminate him. This weird fantasy.

The operation went smoothly. When the patient slowly regained consciousness, the doctor held up a beer bottle and said, "We finally took it out. "

"You got the wrong one," the patient screamed. "The beer bottle in my stomach does not belong to this

brand.

”

In a mental hospital

An official from the Ministry of Health visited a mental hospital. The director who came to accompany him

told him that this place Some patients are dangerous but well managed. Towards the end of the visit, a woman walks towards her in the corridor outside the ward. The officer catches her eye. There was a fierce light in the room, and she quickly stepped aside. Fortunately,

The woman just glared at the dean and passed away, and nothing happened.

When she walked away, the official turned around and criticized the dean: "It seems that the management here needs to be strengthened." ”

The dean nodded vigorously.

Afterwards, someone told the official that the woman was not the mental patient here,

but the dean.

Hitler once visited a mental hospital and asked a patient: "Do you know who I am?" "The patient shook his head. Then Hitler loudly announced: "I am Adolf Hitler, your leader. My power is as great as God’s! "

The patients smiled and looked at him sympathetically. One of them patted Hitler on the shoulder and said: "Yes, yes, when we started to get sick, it was like You look like this! "

Singing

One day the psychiatric director came to a ward and saw a patient lying on the floor dancing, so he asked: "What are you doing?" "

"Sing! "

Ten minutes later

The patient suddenly stopped, turned around and lay on the ground.

"What's wrong with you? ”

“After finishing side A of the tape, it’s time to turn to side B! ! "

Novel

In the mental hospital, two people were talking, "How about my novel? "Yes, but there are too many people in attendance." "

At this time, the nurse shouted to them: "Hey, you two put the phone book back quickly! ”

Writing a letter

In a psychiatric hospital, a patient was writing a letter. The nurse saw it and asked him curiously

Nurse: You Who are you writing to?

Patient: To myself

Nurse: What are you writing to?

Patient: Are you mentally ill? Ah! How do I know if I haven't received it yet?

Q&A

One day, the dean wanted to choose one person from each floor to be the floor leader, so he came to each floor to ask questions. p>

First floor: “The skin is red on the outside and hard on the inside. ”

“Apple! "

"Okay, you are the head of the first floor! "

Second floor: "The outer skin and flesh are yellow, which monkeys love to eat. "

"Banana!"

"Okay, you are the captain of the second floor! ""

......

Fifth floor: "The shell is green, the inside is red, and when you eat it, it is black when you spit it out. What is it?"

What do you think?