1. That night, my girlfriend told me to play a game in which whoever takes care of the other party first loses. I excitedly agreed. . It's been a year and a half. There is no news. . . Oh, my god Did she dump me? !

2. The mother-in-law tests the three sons-in-law. First, I invited my eldest son-in-law to take a walk. When I crossed the bridge, I suddenly jumped down. My eldest son-in-law was rescued by diving, and my mother-in-law gave him a Guangben car. The mother-in-law did the same thing, tested her second son-in-law, and was also rescued. The injured second son-in-law was given an Audi. She tried her third son-in-law, who couldn't swim and couldn't save her, and her mother-in-law drowned. The next day, my father-in-law gave him a Mercedes!

3. I suddenly found an interesting rule: No matter what we watch, whether it is a love drama or a youth idol drama, in the end, the hero and heroine get married, and the TV or movie will have a big ending. What does this mean? This profound explanation: as long as a man and a woman get married, there is no future!

4. Valentine's Day: I will watch the celestial phenomena at night. Hotels and guesthouses will be full tonight, and countless girls will lose their virginity. Happily, someone else's future wife is lying on the bed. Sadly, your future wife doesn't know who is lying in bed. What's more tragic is that she lost her virginity in a 4-yuan hotel, but today she asks you for a 1,-yuan flat house before she is willing to marry you. .

5. Give me some more creative shop names, which can be used for reference by those who want to open a shop: 1. Barbershop: People's Hair Institute, flying hair, development and reform commission. 2. Hotel: a restaurant, no hungry, no sitting, a drunken gang. 3. Clothes shop: keep mistresses, sell clothes diligently, and solicit customers. 4. Teahouse: pure heart looking for tea, well tea bureau. 5. beauty shop: please don't get acne, and get spots quickly.

6. The emperor said to the little plum beside him: You can describe me in one word. Xiao Lizi replied: Zha! Then the little plum was beheaded. . . .

7. The personality signature of a bachelor was changed to: Those who secretly love me, how can you be so calm! ! !

8. A: Sister, if someone hurts you, how long will you forgive him? B: It's God's business to forgive her. My task is to send her to God. . . .

9. Our old man who teaches chemistry is 8 degrees short-sighted. After putting a book on the blackboard in class, he suddenly turned to me and shouted,

What are you standing for! ! Sit down! ! I was sitting in the seat in the last row, and my coat was hanging on the wall behind me ...

1. In the first aid class in college, the professor gave a demonstration while talking about CPR:

Professor: Press your chest with both hands, not too hard, just press 2~3cm, it is easy to break the patient's ribs!

Professor: Let's look at the demonstration (press your hands hard). Click! The model's ribs are broken.

the professor said the class was over in embarrassment. . . . Classic joke quotations

1. "Tom, how dare you steal apples from my orchard? Come down from the tree quickly, or I'll find your father to punish you!" "Oh, no, he's in the opposite tree."

2. Nowadays, children are precocious. On this day, my father called Xiao Ming from junior high school: "Xiao Ming, you are old now, and my father wants to talk to you about sex." Xiao Ming is impatient: "Go ahead, what do you want to know?"

3. I found that, in study, like Big Wolf, we appeared in an extremely NB posture every semester, and at the end of the semester we left in an SB posture that everyone expected. Finally, I would like to shout: I will definitely study hard ...

4. For my Audi, your Dior and our children's Oreo. Work hard! Fight!

5. Young women in literature write an article to ask the professor for advice. Professor: The first half of this article stands out at two points and is full. The middle is flat; The second half is short-tempered, and we have to do seven things and eight things!

6. Take the initiative in everything. For example, you can climb the wall and wait for an almond.

7. When a man applied for a job, the female manager asked him what his specialty was. The man said: "The lower body is special." Female manager: "Rogue, dirty ..." The man angrily said: "Who is rogue, who is dirty, I said what happened to my legs ..."

8. Finally, I covered the world with a misty rain in the south of the Yangtze River. After I thanked Rong Hua, it was just one scene, and the mountains and rivers were silent forever.

9. the Year of the Loong is in a good mood and has no worries every day; Raise your head to embrace happiness and lower your head to embrace beauty.

1. When we were young, we often made faces in the mirror. In old age, the mirror is even.

11. I miss the days when I ate single-celled animals in those years (women use this as a signature, which is absolutely fire) ...

12. Don't think that you are Wu Dalang, just think that Yao Ming is made by two people.

13. Once you learn to break the jar and break the fall, you will find the world suddenly enlightened.

14. It may not be the enemy who shits on your head, but it may also be your neighbor upstairs.

15. The furthest distance in the world is not between life and death, but when I beat the devil and stood in front of you, you fell in love with a foreigner.

16. Boys are poor, otherwise they don't know how to struggle: girls are rich, otherwise they will be coaxed away with a piece of cake.

17. Life grinds us round to make us roll further.

18. There are many wives and concubines, but they have loved ones. Children are around their knees, but home is unbeaten. Play if you want, and do if you can. The air is free and there is no darkness. Looking back, there are regrets.

19. I'll be alone at Christmas and New Year's Day. Let me be alone at the end of the term!

2. Whenever cleaning, the school will say "School is your home"; But when you are late, the school will say, "Do you think the school is your home?"

21. Resist breast enhancement surgery and don't pollute the last safe milk source!

22. Why did Guan Yu die earlier than Zhang Fei? Answer: Beauty is unlucky ...

23. Every woMan who calls herself "elder sister" is looking for a very Man, and it turns out that the most man is herself.

24. How about having a husband and scoring goals with a goalkeeper!

25. An IBM interview, with a monthly salary of 8,, 9‰ people made mistakes. Can you answer correctly? 1+2*3=? Don't think too much, answer at once.

26. It's ridiculous to bury you all my life, but there is no king's life.

27. I would like to turn into an angry bird and head into those pigs.

28. When I came into this world, I didn't intend to go back alive.

29. January is a rare month when everyone no longer cares about boat tickets, because they can't even buy tickets to go home.

3. If you want to know what despair is, buy a bunch of lottery tickets.

31. During the review at the end of the previous period, a classmate went to the teacher to draw a key point. The teacher said, "What is the key point for you to study medicine? Do patients see you, and you told him that your illness is not the key point, so you can see it when you get home?" You can't afford to study medicine ...

32. Actually, you don't have to feel inferior, because you once won the championship among tens of millions or even hundreds of millions of players.

33. People are iron and rice is steel. If you don't eat for a day, you will be hungry.

34. An extraordinary appearance is important even to wild animals.

35. I allow you to come into my world, but I will never allow you to walk around in my world.

36. If beauty is a letter of recommendation, then kindness is a credit card!

37. Big Wolf, big stupid Wolf, will never be able to fight Pleasant Goat, but also have to serve Red Taro.

38. The most beautiful thing in the world is to eat and sleep.

39. The so-called difference in values means that if you give a candle, some people will feel that they are short of a cake, and some people will feel that they are short of a whip.

4. The telephone has just been installed in the dormitory. Please follow the example of other dormitories and wait for the telephone to ring. Pick up the receiver and say softly, "Hello, this is 11".

41. The thought that 2xx is coming, the thought that I still owe money to the bank, makes me laugh in my dreams!

42. Female: "Why did you cheat me? Your father obviously burns boilers, but you said he could manage more than 1, people." Man: "Yes, more than 1 people drink boiled water."

43. If you are kind to me, I can't help but want to bully you.

44. Dear, tell you, age is not a problem, height is not a distance, weight is not a pressure, and money is not an ability. So we must be together forever! Happy watching you every day!

45. The driver ran over a cat and asked the children on the roadside, "Does this cat belong to your family?" Child: "It's the same size and color as mine, but my cat is not as flat as it."

46. Life is a hundred times more cruel than comics. It has arranged countless Pang Hu who like to bully you, countless strong men who like to laugh at you, and an Yijing who you will never catch up with, but never thought of giving you a real robot cat.

47. You are not a VIp or even an Ip, you are just a P!

48. Monitor, how firm you look at me.

49. I'm cute and responsible. What did I do wrong?

5. A happy day is a day when you are full and go to sleep.

51. A jet fighter roared past in the sky, and the bird was surprised to see it. Bird: "Mom, why does that bird fly so fast?" Mother bird: "Try putting a fire on your ass!" "

52. Money can buy a house but not a home, a marriage but not love, a clock but not time. Money is not everything, but the root of pain. Give me your money and let me bear the pain alone!

53. Life is like an angry bird. When you fail, there are always several pigs laughing.

54. Insomnia is because I watch too much sleep and think that I will die if I sleep one night less.

55. Never leave the wall, but resolutely pull it out.

56. Even if you want to cry again, you should say with a smile: Fuck you!

57. Even if I were a toad, I would never marry my mother toad.

58. Every time the nurse elder sister comes to give me an infusion, I pretend I don't know what this rubber tube tied to my hand is. In fact, I just want to listen to the three soft words: pulse pressing belt ...

59. Youth is like mahjong, either shooting or touching yourself. How many otaku rotten women, how many institutions are counted, just to enjoy the moment of knocking down.

6. phoenixes that played here once, so that the place was named for them failed to keep an appointment and waited all night. Since then, Wan Li has been weeping.

61. Love means being desperate and enduring everything.

62. I want to eat, and I want to be thin. I can't have both, so I went away.

63. I look forward to January, because there are only two serious things in January: having a holiday and waiting for a holiday.

64. Sanlu and Mengniu tell us a truth: animals are unreliable.

65. If you don't push yourself, you don't know how good you are ... Classic jokes

First, in this society, walking to work is a bit tiring, taking a bus to work is a bit crowded, riding a bike to work is a bit disappointing, and the whole motorcycle to work is neither tired nor crowded, but it is a bit cold. Driving? A little distressed.

Second, in physical education class, the teacher asked: Which country has the largest population? A: China; Which sport is the most enjoyable? A: Football. Which sport is the most entertaining? A: Football in China!

third, I am courageous and often frightened; I have a big temper. What is the humiliation of my crotch? My personality is very embarrassing, and I haven't found the characteristics yet; I am shallow-skinned, and I only have to entangle you; When you receive a text message, you smile, and I will frown.

Fourth, the magician on the boat was caught by his parrot every time he did magic. One day when he was doing magic, the boat hit the rocks and sank. He and the parrot lay on a board and looked at each other for three days before the parrot said, Big Brother, I took it. Where did you change the boat?

5. It is not difficult to light cigarettes frequently. When you go to the table, you will be persuaded, and public relations will tackle the problem; Play mahjong a few times, and a large number of friends; Flattery is unusual, and the cause will move forward forever; Text messages are the most important, and remembering them is the most wonderful. May everything be right for you!

6. Be an open person, and don't go out if you have nothing to do. The world can't afford to be hurt, and Furong becomes a slim girl. Xifeng moved to the United States, and the model of Brother Sharp got wind. I can't afford a panda, so I'm a tough guy. You can't do it if you refuse!

7. Lao Li is thrifty, and his only problem is stuttering, the number of love, 1. Lao Li's girlfriend is more frugal. When she talked on the phone once, Lao Li stuttered nervously. Lao Li's girlfriend said in a hurry: Speak quickly, all this is money!

Eight, the idea of cooling off summer heat: imagine that you are in the cold palm and suddenly melt; Or imagine that you are romantic on Titanic, and suddenly when an iceberg hits, you fall into the icy water; How about watching another ghost movie? I wish you a "scare" to clear your heart!

9. Life is easy, life is easy, and life is really not easy. Rich or poor, happiness is a good life. Crying is not life, laughing is not life, and wry smile is not life. Cry or laugh, wonderful is a good life.

1. Only 4% of my husband's bonus comes to me. So I coerced and asked where the other large sum of money was going. My husband told me roguishly, "I won't tell you if you kill me. You haven't made a honey trap yet!" "

Xi. "A beautiful young woman asked a fireman," You must have spent a lot of effort to save me from danger, right? " Fireman: "Yes, I beat off three firemen for this!" " "

12. You know, when I miss you, I bite my finger. Since I fell in love with you and cultivated this hobby, I have never used nail clippers, and my nails are still clean. This is the price of love!

XIII. The father looked at the test paper in his son's hand and cried, "How could I have a disappointing son like you, who got points this time?" The son said, "This is the test paper I found when you were a child."

XIV. I will hold you in my palm and serve you with my heart. I want to hold you in my arms and raise you carefully; I will try my best to take care of you: I will make you a cute little fat pig. When I was looking for a job, the examiner asked me when I graduated. I was going to say 2, but when I got excited, I said, "Two thousand years ago ..." What's more, the examiner actually