My memory of my hometown stays in my childhood when I was six years old. At that time, the sky was blue and the water was clear. Fish and shrimp in the town stream, innocent companions in the town, kind old people, harmonious neighborhood relations, vegetables in the field, and the mulberry tree are faintly visible. Later, I left this place and went to this city, leaving this unforgettable and happiest little place forever.
I remember the day when I left the town, my grandparents packed their luggage, locked the wooden door of the tile house, crossed the stone road in the town and ran to the township road. We're going to the county seat and going downtown by bus. When I left, I vaguely felt that I might never go back to my hometown. I yearn for it, and I can't bear to give it up. Every few steps, I looked back until I got on the village minibus and couldn't see my hometown.
When I arrived in the city, I was excited by new things, such as high-rise buildings, cars coming and going, snacks I haven't eaten, vending machines, shopping malls, video games, fried chicken hamburgers … Yes, these are all things I have never seen before. This city is really good, and it is a paradise for children.
Later, I went to primary school in this southern city. I still remember that on the first day of school, the teacher asked the students to introduce themselves on the podium. Other students may have lived in this city from the beginning. They are used to everything in the city and will introduce their dreams and hobbies when they are well informed. When it was my turn to go to the podium, I didn't know my dreams and interests, and I was still vaguely staying in my hometown, so when talking about my hobbies, I said shyly: I love learning. You can imagine how the students in the city will react.
As newcomers, children in small towns have few friends, so it is difficult for them to integrate into classmates' topics and games. But I have a good attitude, and I really want to study hard, listen to my teacher and become a so-called good student. Maybe I don't have any friends, maybe I concentrate on my studies, and I have verified the allusion of "unintentionally inserting willows into the shade". My grades in all subjects are among the best, and I have been concerned and recognized by teachers and classmates for a while.
The rise of my grades has made me well integrated into the new environment, recognized and praised, with more and more friends and more teachers' attention. Ask yourself, at that time, I didn't know what pride was and what arrogance was. I just felt that I would study hard and get good grades naturally. This time lasted until the fourth grade. I remember that after a mid-term exam, the teacher came into the class as usual and read the results excitedly. I was told that I was very happy to win the first place in my grade. This is something I never thought of, but surprises are always unexpected. In the applause and envious eyes of all my classmates, I was really excited once. It is conceivable that in the later life, how many teachers and classmates have been concerned and friendly. But in the process of my memory, it may be this honor that started my complacent life.
When I feel the convenience and pleasure brought by my grades, I keep a good learning attitude. At the same time, I began to actively participate in various extracurricular activities in classes and schools, and achieved good results and won many awards. I don't know if it's because people want to grow up or if they really practiced the sentence "Where there are people, there are rivers and lakes" in primary school. In all kinds of honors and concerns, in addition to the teacher's love, many students actively want to be my friends, so I became the so-called "king of the children".
If love for the opposite sex is an adult's business, I may not agree with it. Perhaps it is the convenience brought by honor and attention. In the fifth and sixth grade of primary school, many girls liked me, but at that time, everyone didn't understand the feelings of adults, just envied me. There will be many girls around me, and there will be jealousy and attacks from other boys, but I enjoy the feeling of being appreciated and liked, and I also enjoy the pleasure of being envied but unable to do anything about me. Later, a girl asked me to go to Seeds of Love. She is the monitor of our class. In addition to good grades, she was also recognized as an aesthetically beautiful girl by primary school students at that time. In the sixth grade, perhaps it was the teacher's habit to arrange students with good grades to be deskmates. It is self-evident that we become deskmates, which opened a typical example of class performance and admiration. In the students' booing, we finally welcomed the attention of the class teacher and called the parents of both sides to the school to discuss the topic of "puppy love". At that time, early years were not allowed, admiration was not allowed, so we separated. But this did not affect our personal relationship until we graduated from primary school. Looking back now, perhaps the initial love of each of us happened to be the purest and most beautiful memory in our life.
In a flash, I went to junior high school. Because my primary school grades have always been among the best, plus various rewards for extracurricular activities, I successfully entered the key middle schools in this city. A new environment and a new starting point will inevitably bring new challenges and setbacks. Accustomed to the aura of primary school, what challenges and changes will junior high school encounter?
Key middle schools, as the name implies, are the top students of all primary schools, which also brought me the second major change in my life. In the first monthly exam, the comprehensive score was from the bottom ten. Faced with the teacher's criticism and disappointment, I felt wronged and cried. Accustomed to the aura of primary school, I was depressed in such achievements and teachers' disappointment, and once doubted my life. But at that time, although I was depressed and wronged, I was full of hope. I think as long as I work hard, I will make progress, regain the recognition of teachers and classmates, and treat myself fairly and prove that I am not bad.
After the first monthly exam in junior high school, I began to make up classes crazily. Throughout the three years of junior high school, I have never lived a holiday entertainment life, and I am bent on improving my grades, getting recognition and proving myself. Fortunately, the persistence and efforts of the first and second days of junior high school have improved the performance qualitatively. Although not among the best, but also from the last ten grades to the upper-middle level, some subjects in the top five classes. This progress has once again been appreciated and affirmed by teachers, and is often called a model student of progress at parent-teacher conferences.
The good times didn't last long. Under this long-term high-pressure study, I lost my spare time after class and finally collapsed one night in the third grade. That night, I happened to find myself nervous and have a headache when I read a book. I have no common sense. I thought it was just occasional fatigue. This lack of attention induced my depression and depression ten years later.
At that time, depression was very incomprehensible to society. Few people have basic common sense about the coldness of this thought. I am also afraid of being known by my family, classmates and teachers, so I am more and more depressed and depressed to the extreme. This led to a sharp decline in my grade three grades, learning ability and stress resistance. At one time, my spirit was very nervous and collapsed. Now it is called social phobia or panic disorder. This year is a year in which I struggled with depression. I feel depressed, scared, nervous and depressed every day, but at the same time I am preparing for the senior high school entrance examination under high pressure, which once made me think about ending this painful life countless times, that is, suicidal tendencies. Maybe it's my persistence, maybe my estimation of my parents' feelings, maybe I'm still full of hope for the future, or because of other sustenance, I finished my junior high school career in a super uncomfortable state, and my grades exceeded the key line of that year by dozens of points, and I was successfully admitted to a key high school.
With the end of the senior high school entrance examination, it is also the starting point of my life's official decline. I remember that after the senior high school entrance examination, after a long period of mental torture and high-pressure study, I finally collapsed. I could find that I couldn't express myself clearly, stopped spitting, was in a trance, was extremely negative, had a headache and so on. But even so, I dare not tell anyone that I may have serious psychological problems, including my family. I just have my last obsession. I feel that after three months of summer vacation, I will definitely get better. It's just because I'm tired these years and need a good rest. But in the end, all my hopes are not established and I'm still in a vicious circle.
In a blink of an eye, the three-month summer vacation is over, and I came to my high school stage, starting a new journey with fear and depression. I don't know what I will face, but I know that my mental state may not be able to face all this. Finally, this prediction is verified. First, from the psychological state, it is a state of mental tension, fear, negativity, depression, uncontrollable paranoia, inability to concentrate, cold sweat and severe insomnia. In terms of grades, the overall grade of senior one is in the bottom ten, which makes me feel more inferior and self-reproach when I am seriously depressed. In terms of classmates' relationship, although I am very friendly, I am in a state of social fear and panic, and I can't communicate freely with people many times, and I feel very inferior because of psychological problems and poor grades. In the end, I can't support it any longer. I tried to end my life countless times because of pain, depression and panic. At the same time, I realized the fact that I was stuck on the board of deep depression and decided to boldly inform my parents and teachers for help. Later, I went to a psychological hospital. The doctor diagnosed me with severe depression and accepted three weeks of hospitalization. At the same time, because of this situation, I have to give up continuing high school education or take the college entrance examination. At first, this fact was unacceptable to me. I realized that life was hopeless and wanted to end my life again.
After receiving treatment, I left the hospital and went home. My state has not changed much, and I was once depressed. So my parents decided to send me to study abroad, hoping that I could change in a new environment or a relatively relaxed environment. From then on, I left high school education, and spent the next year or two mainly studying English and coping with the TOEFL test, and also had more time to travel or participate in outdoor activities. This lifestyle change has really eased my depression, and my life seems to be gradually improving, which makes me full of hope for the future again and makes my family less worried.
After nearly two years of English study and TOEFL preparation, I finally got into a foreign university. The new environment, new life journey and new way of life have given me the opportunity of hope and rebirth to a great extent. But this seems to be about to get a bright turn for the better, and at the same time, it has laid a major crisis for my later life, so that it affects the present.
When I first went to country M, I was excited by the novelty and unrestrained environment for a long time. My attention and eyes gradually dispersed into the world of flowers and flowers, and my original serious mental state gradually improved. Everything looks so beautiful that I can look forward to my future life. But this carefree life seems to be reborn in a short time, which leads me to fall from one extreme to the other.
The first two years of college were almost smooth sailing. I opened my eyes, made many friends and fell in love. My life is rich and colorful, my spirit is relaxed a lot, my mentality is getting better and better, and I am carefree and pinned. The good times didn't last long, because of emotional setbacks, I was traumatized again in the process of self-healing, and began to become quiet and self-enclosed, accustomed to being alone, as if I had entered a state of unity between man and nature, or a state of nothingness of unity between man and nature. Even so, it didn't make me return to the bad state in the past. After a period of adjustment, the influence of emotional frustration on my later life gradually dissipated. I fell in love with travel and food. I fell in love with getting along with others, listening to different life experiences, and sharing my experiences or feelings without taboo. This state has been maintained until my junior year, which is also my best stage in the past few years.
The weather is unpredictable and people are unpredictable. In this beautiful, free, self-centered, free and easy life, I seem to have begun to forget the bad experiences of the past, or deliberately get rid of the bad memories of the past and indulge in this happy and free and easy life, or rebel against the depression of the past few years and start to let myself make up for the sins of the past. In this state, the first is self-indulgence, and the second is that you can't see the crisis or the vigilance in prosperity, and at the same time you meet a compatriot who has a good relationship. These three factors once again pushed me to the other extreme.
As a classmate from China, we realized for the first time that a previous state was very positive. There are many similar hobbies, all of which actively love life and are full of hope for the future. From the beginning, we talked about philosophy, life and the future, and then we discussed what kind of life we should pursue and how to practice our ideals when we just entered the society after graduation. Including holidays, we often travel together to explore this unknown world and learn about different cultures. Later, we decided to try to start a business and get a different experience. At first, the two men were consistent in their three views, positive and progressive, went to many places together and did many meaningful things together, but it was followed by a bigger collapse.
When I was in the third year of high school, everything went smoothly, and ambition or ambition followed, because there was no setback in this process, which led me and them to echo and encourage each other, and our confidence or self-confidence reached an unprecedented height. And this self-confidence later turned into a serious conceit, and disaster followed. Because our first venture went smoothly and earned the first bucket of gold in our life, our confidence was unprecedented, and we wanted to have greater challenges or earn more money to verify our economic independence or a kind of self-worth practice, which opened the challenge to financial games. And this challenge also verified the sentence "When you stare into the abyss, the abyss also stares at you".
Because we all study finance and hope to make achievements in the financial field after graduation, we discuss putting the first bucket of gold earned from entrepreneurship into the futures market to realize greater wealth value. The initial mentality is rational, and there is a bottom line for the amount of funds invested. There are certain standards for profit and loss, such as how many delisting and how many delisting. In this rational state of mind, for the first time, we got a return of almost 40 times in the futures market, and this rapid return opened up human greed or an expansion of conceit, and the final outcome was self-evident.
After successfully earning 40 times the return in the futures market, young and frivolous people think it may be easy to make money, and firmly believe that the so-called wealth freedom can be quickly obtained through the futures market. People are timid and courageous. After tasting the sweetness of this quick money, their desires began to be unintentionally opened without restriction, and more and more money was invested, but in the end they all ended in nothing. Unwilling to admit failure, or extremely believing that as long as you keep investing, you will have a chance to return to your original gambling mentality, which will lead to a vicious circle for many years to come.
After graduation, we went to different first-tier cities and successfully entered the head company in the financial field. This is once again the starting point and hope of life, but it ends in the trap of indulging in futures in the last year of college. Accustomed to fast-forward and fast-out, after entering social work, I feel that the speed of making money through work is too long, or that the speed of exchanging returns through labor is too slow. Even if they didn't live in a city, they stepped into the futures market again and fell into the psychology of vicious gamblers, so that they all left the company later.
In the same year of leaving the company, Bitcoin began to go crazy in China, with more and more people speculating in coins, and the leverage of the currency circle platform was as high as 125 times, far greater than futures. And I happened to meet this classmate again, and asked for a generous start-up fund from home on the grounds that starting a business requires funds. When you fail to start a business, you plunge into the currency circle, sprout the mentality of getting rich overnight, stare at the market almost all night, and forget what life is, what is your original intention and what is your ideal. The only thing left is the vicious circle of gambler psychology, who always feels that he is the lucky one who gets rich overnight, and he is determined to win this.
Once in the coin circle, it is as deep as the sea. After playing in the currency circle intermittently for two years, there were gains and losses in the middle, but the ending was a mess. Stimulated by this fast-forward and fast-out, two years have passed in an instant. Finally, my classmate was unable to repay millions of foreign debts because of huge losses and high loans, and his mentality collapsed, he was listless and even in a trance. After being discovered by his family, he was sent to the hospital for withdrawal treatment. After I witnessed his experience, I finally realized that we wasted our good years, good times, our original intentions, our ideals and our future prospects, all of which became jokes. And I finally got out of my deep depression and fell into the gambler's mentality again. How wrong this is.
Young dragon slayers will eventually be eaten by themselves. Verified the sentence "When you stare into the abyss, the abyss also stares at you". Along the way, I have experienced a lot, frustration, prosperity, confusion, deviation, positive and decadent ... a thousand words may not describe everything I have experienced. But fortunately, in the end, we all woke up. When my classmates returned to the workplace after drug treatment, I woke up from my dream to pay for the frivolous youth and the fearless invisible crisis in the past. Anyway, life should be forward-looking and positive. No matter what you have experienced, as long as you have hope, determination and perseverance, you will eventually usher in a better life than in the past. Come on!