Which fruits have mobile phones? Answer: Carrots and greens, each has its own love
A man can't find his girlfriend, so he has no choice but to go to fortune telling. Fortune teller: You are destined to have no women in the first half of your life. The man's eyes lit up: What about the second half of your life? The fortune teller said: You will get used to it for the rest of your life.
September 28 is the birthday of Confucius, so what day is October 28?
Answer: Confucius' Full Moon
One day, he was walking on the street with a medium-rare steak. Suddenly he saw a medium-rare steak in front of him, but he ignored him. . Why didn't they say hello? Answer: Because they are unfamiliar.
Chocolate and pineapple fought, and chocolate won. Why? Answer: Chocolate bar
Chocolate and pineapple fought, and the pineapple lost. Why? Answer: Pineapple cake
What fish is the most idiotic? Answer: Shark (silly) fish
The turtle built a house in its shell and then got into it. {Guess a health product} Answer: Calcium in Calcium The turtle demolished the house, built another house, and then got in. {Guess a health product} Answer: New calcium in calcium
The turtle demolished the house again, built another house, and then got in. {guess a health product} Answer: Juneng Calcium
Once, I went to buy breakfast. When I was queuing up, I found that the usually stern boss was also queuing up. So I was very nervous. After saying hello, I said to the chef: "Master, trouble." Let’s have a cup of steamed buns and two breasts!”… It was the first time in two years that I heard the boss laugh so loudly.
There is another one. When I was in junior high school, we used an electric bell to ring the end of class. Once after class, the bell was ringing and the teacher was still there. Suddenly, a boy who was sleeping in class suddenly jumped up from his seat. , while screaming: "Mom! Get up and cook! I should go to class!"...
Once I went to a hotel to stay, and I was confused at night when I suddenly heard someone Knock on the door and ask questions. Woman: Is there anyone? Me: What's the matter? Woman: I want to ask handsome guy, how do you write Kun in Kunming? Me: Oh, one day above and one below... (sweat)! Woman: Then let's have sex, shall we? I fainted. The lady is not scary, but I am afraid that the lady is educated. Dizzy.
The young woman reported the crime: "I put the money in my bra and it was stolen by a handsome guy in the crowded subway..." The policeman wondered: "You didn't notice such a sensitive place?" The young woman was red She replied with a straight face: "Who would have thought that he was touching money?
A woman said to her cheating husband: If you dare to divorce and marry that young goblin, I will marry the goblin's father. From now on, My son calls you brother-in-law, but you have to call me mom! My husband fainted on the spot, and he behaved himself from now on...
My wife spent a lot of money on plastic surgery, and a few days later she came home as a beauty! The husband, who looked puzzled, said, “What? Don’t you recognize me? The husband was stunned for a moment, and then said in surprise: "Come in quickly, my wife is not at home." ”
One day I suddenly discovered that I have an aunt, a second aunt, a fourth aunt, and a fifth aunt, but I don’t have a third aunt. So I asked my dad: Why don’t I have a third aunt? I also thought for a moment: Could it be that I don’t have a third aunt? My third aunt died when she was young? My father said angrily: Your third aunt was your mother!
A girl came home and met a gangster. The gangster asked: Stop! Why don’t you want to be kidnapped? The girl said pitifully: "Go and borrow money." The girl was afraid of being robbed, so she said: "Go away!" I found that there was often a text message from a stranger on my wife’s mobile phone, and the content of each text message was the same: “Brother Zhao asked you to do something for me.
"One night at 10:30, after Mr. A captured his cheating wife and the man who was having an affair, he cursed: Damn, do you think I can't understand that text message? Read it backwards, "I will help you take off your bra at 10:30." "! The boy said to the girl: "I fell in love with you the first time I saw you! The girl asked strangely: "When did you first see me?" The boy quickly explained: "It's the first day of school. I saw you came to school with your family. The skirt you wore was so beautiful!" ! The girl was furious: "I didn't wear a skirt that day, and the one wearing a skirt was my mother!" ”
A thief broke into a bank and finally pried open the safe. He found that there was not a penny in it, but there was a few jelly. The thief was puzzled, but he couldn’t think in vain. Come on, just eat the jelly. The next day, Mr. Thief bought a newspaper to see how much impact he could have by stealing from the bank. Hey~ since it made the headlines: The only sperm bank in our city was stolen last night!
The dog proposed to the bear, and the bear said: "I don't want to marry you, I want to marry the cat." "The dog asked puzzledly: "Why? The bear said: "If you marry a dog, you will give birth to a bear. If you marry a cat, you will give birth to a panda!" "
There were three children sitting in front of the clinic - an older boy, a younger boy, and a girl. The nurse asked: Children, what's wrong with you? The older boy: I swallowed a glass ball. The nurse asked the other one : What about you? Girl: That glass ball is mine. The nurse asked: Where is yours?
Somali pirate: "Three million dollars, one price!" "Chinese official: "Two and a half million! Pirate: "Do you think I'm stupid?" I know you said two hundred and five is an insult! "Chinese official: "Three million is three million!" But the invoice says 7 million! With tears in his eyes, the pirate stretched out his thumb: "You are still ruthless in robbing money!" ! ! A friend of mine had a new foreigner move next door. One night the foreigner knocked on the door and asked for help, saying, "My TV is broken and I can't change the channel." "The guy lowered his head and glanced at his watch, and said calmly: "This is what happens on TV across the country from 7 to 7:30 in the evening. "
The priest was playing golf and the nun was watching. The first shot missed. The priest cursed: "TMD, it missed!" "Hit again, the priest cursed again: "TMD, missed again!" The nun said, "God will punish you as a priest for swearing." "As soon as he finished speaking, a thunderbolt struck the nun to death. The priest was puzzled: Why was it me who cursed, and why did he strike the nun to death? At this time, the voice of God was heard from the sky: "TMD, I missed the target too. ! "
My 7-year-old niece insisted on taking a bath with me, a 20-year-old adult. While washing, she said, "Auntie, why are your breasts so small?" I sweated wildly: "Why is it so small? Why is it so small?" "My little niece gave me a pitiful look and comforted me: "It's okay, mine is very small~"
One day, my brother went to play basketball at the primary school affiliated to the Normal University and heard a lower-grade girl on the playground ask A junior boy: “Do you love me or not? The boy said helplessly: "My mother gave me 3 yuan a day, and you used two and a half yuan to buy snacks. Tell me whether I love you or not!" ! ! "
The old man divided his inheritance before he died. He said to his eldest son: "Your wife is about to give birth to a baby, so I will leave her bankbook to you." "I said to my second son: "You are going to get married soon, and I will leave the house to you." Finally, I said to my younger son: "I am most worried about you. I don't have a girlfriend yet, so I will leave my most precious inheritance to you." You. The younger son was secretly happy, and the old man said: "There are more than 300 young girls in my QQ account friend list, and the number is ******."
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In the human body class at the Academy of Fine Arts, a girl angrily threw her pen on the ground while drawing, and scolded the male model: Now she is bigger and now smaller, why should she be allowed to draw anymore!
A girl bought a brand-name bag after saving money, and excitedly told her companions: "Look at these two letters, LV!" Have you seen it?" The companion said: "Tsk, this is the pinyin? I learned it in elementary school, "Donkey"~
Every time my wife and husband quarrel, my wife will run to the toilet and stay there for a long time, This happened a lot, and the husband asked his wife out of curiosity: "What are you doing in the toilet?" Seems quite relieved? My wife said, "Brush the toilet!" My husband asked: "Can cleaning the toilet relieve anger?" My wife said, “I don’t know, but I use your toothbrush anyway.”
My son came home tremblingly: "Dad, I only got 60 points in today's exam." The father was very angry: "Next time you get a low grade in the exam, don't call me dad!" The next day his son came back: "I'm sorry, brother!"
A leader set the mistress's phone number in his hand to " "Mayor", every time the mistress called, my wife said: "Hurry! The mayor is calling!" After the leader answered the phone: The mayor asked me to come. Before leaving the house, his wife told him from behind: "Do it well!"
Xiao Li was going to immigrate to the United States, and his boss asked him: "Are you dissatisfied with your salary?" Xiao Li said: "Satisfied." "Are you dissatisfied with your housing?" "Satisfied" "Is it because you are dissatisfied with the Internet environment?" "Also satisfied" "Are you not satisfied with medical care or your children's schooling?" "Satisfied with them all!" "Since you are satisfied with everything, why do you want to immigrate? "Because there is dissatisfaction allowed there!"
Whose bodyguard is more loyal between the Chinese leader and the American leader? The American leader ordered the bodyguard to jump from the 10th floor, and the bodyguard knelt down and said, "Don't." This way, I still have my family.” So the President of the United States relented. The Chinese leader ordered the bodyguard to jump, but the Chinese bodyguard jumped without saying a word. The President of the United States was so frightened that he quickly grabbed him. The Chinese bodyguard said: "Don't be like this, I still have a family."
Quote: As soon as the director entered the office, the wife of the office director burst in, waving a pair of women's briefs and said to the director: "My husband I wore women's underwear when I went home at night, you must take care of it." The director nodded yes and stuffed the briefs into his pocket. When I got home in the evening, the director's wife found the briefs in the director's pocket when she was doing laundry, and said to the director: "Don't make jokes like this in the future. People will have to look for it all day long."
The male classmate went to a certain place on a business trip, and the female classmate went to see him. The two chatted about salary. The male classmate asked: "How much money do you have after tax?" The female classmate blushed and whispered: "Follow me. Why do you want me to pay for my old friend's sleep? You go to bed first and I'll take a shower." Someone asked the doctor: "Excuse me, doctor, how can I live to be 100 years old?" Doctor: "First, Quit drinking." Doctor: "Second, I don't like sex." Doctor: "Third, eat less meat. "I'm a vegetarian!" Doctor: "Then why do you live so long?"
I got on the plane and saw a beautiful woman sitting in my seat. So I asked in a gentlemanly manner: Are you a 36A? mm actually blushed and replied: I...I am 36B...I am Genghis Khan: Sister...I think...I think you misunderstood, I mean my seat is 36A by the window!