First, the category of "raw food"
In contemporary poetry circles, there are not a few people who cook "raw food". Just open a poetry publication, and I dare say that there is no one without "raw food". People who make this kind of trouble are mostly proficient in meter, and the "temperature" is often poor in the control of words. Please take it as an example:
What I saw in a book on a leisurely walk in the suburbs in the evening
Baiyun Mountain is hidden in color, and smoke rises in the market.
the new moon wears clouds, and cicadas make noise in the bamboo garden.
Song Tao is in a hurry to turn over the rain, and the birds return to the forest.
lying on your back on the moss, your body is as light as a fairy.
This poem is written by a retired veteran cadre, and it is completely in line with the standard in terms of rhyme and meter. However, if we ask for it from the aspects of language and art, there will be many problems.
The "mountain color" in the first sentence should not be hidden. Since the topic is "what the book sees", it is difficult to have "what you see" once it is hidden. Only by letting it show some, can it lead to boundless emotion. Therefore, it is better to replace the last three words with "distant attention" in order to reserve room and tease the following. To paraphrase Wang Wei's "supper-smoke floats up from the houses" in the second sentence is redundant, and it is even more unreasonable to change "solitary smoke" into "kitchen smoke". The original intention of the author may be to provide some reasons for the word "hidden", but I don't know that "cooking smoke" has long since become history. Where can it be found in Baiyun Mountain today? As soon as poetry is divorced from reality, it has no foothold. Therefore, it is difficult to apply this sentence even if Wang Mo does not raise objections. If we replace it with our own products, such as "the mountain shadows are green across the sky", we will not only get rid of the suspicion of tradition, but also connect with the previous sentence and form a wonderful picture. The first four characters of the Chinese couplet are the same in structure, and the sentence patterns are dull, and the words and meanings overlap, such as "Ming", "Noise" and "Noisy". In addition, the framing is not suitable, so it is difficult to support the facade without making major adjustments. Considering the four sentences, we should first let the "returning birds" turn on in advance, and change the "forest" into "wood", so as to condense the lens and launch a lively picture of "returning birds from ancient trees". The sentence of "new moon" is naturally eliminated, because it is not in line with the scene of bird noise, and when the moon comes out, it is Wu 'an. Secondly, it is necessary to take another evening landscape as the next link to make up the panorama. It seems more appropriate to replace the moon with the setting sun. As a "long river embedded in a circle", it will cooperate seamlessly with the first couplet. Although these five words are also from Wang Moju, they are more witty and will not lose the face of his old man. The phrase "cicada singing" is also automatically laid off. With the noise of birds, there is no need to work with Mr. cicada. The transformation of five or six sentences is slightly the same as three or four sentences. The first part is mainly to adjust the position of words to avoid being isomorphic with three or four sentences; The bottom couplet has moved forward because of "returning to birds", and it must be supplemented. Try to substitute the word "fog scattered stone smoke", and its illusion effect should be comparable to that of "turning the loose waves into rain".
it's not appropriate to tie the knot, since it's a "leisurely walk", how can it be "supine"? And the author is old, lying on the "moss", pulling the moisture, and the pain in his back is not for fun. What's more, words like "floating like a fairy" ("floating" is suspected to be a mistake of "floating") should not be so clear. Leave room at the end of the poem, and don't have to say it yourself. How about inviting Mr. Tao Yuanming, the author of Peach Blossom Garden, out to clean up the mess? If we conclude with "An De Hu Yuan Liang, Taoyuan writes another article", the beauty of this place is self-evident. In this way, the infinite imagination space is left to the readers, so that people will not have a glance. Now, let's take a look at the revised poem:
What I saw in the book on a leisurely walk in the suburbs in the evening
White clouds stand out from afar, and mountains and shadows are shining across the sky.
the ancient trees are loud and return to the birds, and the long river is embedded in a circle.
the waves turn loose for rain, and the fog scatters rocks and produces smoke.
Andrew calls Yuan Liang, and Taoyuan writes another article.
The following object-chanting poem is guilty of the same kind of faults:
cordate telosma
Under the flowers in front of the court, it is lonely and autumn and winter.
raindrops are thin in horizontal branches, while leaves are heavy in wind.
The dew is light in color, and the moon is dark and fragrant.
who is noble and clean? Pool lotus and Jian pine.
A work of chanting things must have the distinct personality of the object to be sung, otherwise it will be a universal label and can be pasted everywhere. This poem is about cordate telosma, which only has the characteristics of ordinary flowers, and it is not patented by cordate telosma, so it is hard to say that it is successful.
the beginning is ambiguous, where is the shadow of cordate telosma? Here, it is appropriate to discover the identity and buckle the topic, which is the correct move. Three or four sentences also belong to random pen and ink, which seems to be swaying, but in fact it has nothing to do with this flower; In addition, if you don't work hard, it will be worse as a general label. If a little change, continue to buckle the word "night" to write, the situation is different. "The branches under the moon are thin, and the shadows before the wind are heavy", does it invisibly have a somewhat "cordate telosma" face?
five or six sentences are slightly meaningful, but the sentence pattern is stagnant (almost isomorphic to the first couplet), and it is changed to a flowing pair, which is vivid throughout. The conclusion will be that the word "ke" violates the law and is changed to "Kan", and the problem will be solved. How would you feel if you tasted it after polishing it?
cordate telosma
Yao Rui blooms at night, so remember autumn and winter.
the branches under the moon are thin, and the leaves before the wind are heavy.
don't be too pale, it has its own dark fragrance.
who is noble and clean? Pool lotus and Jian pine.
Second, the category of "dislocation"
In poetry creation (mainly referring to words here), there is a problem that is not required by the rules, but has been established by scholars and poets in past dynasties, which is often ignored by beginners. This is what kind of words are suitable for heroic and what kind of words are suitable for gentle and graceful. Such as "Huanxisha" and "Jade Case", you usually don't need to be arrogant; And "Man Jiang Hong", "Golden Luqu", etc., are usually not graceful. Because there are no such rules in the word spectrum, beginners can easily turn it upside down, choose the wrong tone, and cause the style to be out of tune. The following poem commemorating the Army Day is evidence:
Huanxisha commemorates the August 1st Uprising
Nanchang played a triumphant song, and the Long March shook the mountains and rivers in Wan Li. Qi Xin fought bravely against Japan. Marxism-Leninism spread far and wide, sweeping the demons upside down. The Chinese nation stands craggy.
this work is full of strong words, which is extremely inconsistent with the gentle example of Huanxisha. As far as its language style is concerned, it is somewhat similar to seven-character poems. If it is slightly increased, it will be expanded into a seven-character poem, which seems to be slightly better than the original.
The first sentence is a typical "old cadre style", which is reserved to keep its true colors. In the second sentence, the last three words are deleted, and the "sweeping the demons" in the fifth sentence is moved in, and the "mountains and rivers" are reserved for later use. This adjustment makes the opening look upright. The third sentence was slightly modified and changed to "Central Plains Anti-Japanese Getongju", which was used as a comparison of couplets, and a historical story of "Peninsula aid sword grinding" was added as a comparison, and * * * supported half the facade. In the sentence of "Marxism-Leninism", the reform method is the same as before, and the stereotype of "sound broadcasting far away" is removed, and the word "upholding truth" is used to change it, and the first part will be similar. It's not difficult to get the bottom line, just replace the word "mountains and rivers" saved in front, add some branches and leaves, and expand it into "mountains and rivers will benefit the people more", and its color may not be worse than that of the top line. Since the couplet maintained Marxism-Leninism and reorganized the "mountains and rivers", it also constituted a natural turning point in poetry, which was enough to support the beams and columns together with the neckline. The conclusion is similar to the slogan and boring. Might as well take its meaning slightly, change it to "the giant stands tall in the east" as the seventh sentence, and don't end with the words "blue-eyed Hu Er nai I what". This is an indispensable sentence. With it, confidence and belief are all in it, and a sense of national pride arises spontaneously. The same theme, after changing from a word to a poem, has a different taste:
To commemorate the August 1st Uprising, Nanchang played a triumphant song, and the Long March Wan Li swept away demons.
The Central Plains' anti-Japanese war was held in unison, and the peninsula's sword of aiding Korea was sharpened.
Marxism-Leninism holds high the principle of justice, and mountains and rivers will benefit more people.
The giant stands with his head held high in the east, and the blue-eyed Hu Er can't stand me!
third, "anemia" category
Looking through various poetry publications, we can easily find many works that look like poems, but they are actually boring. This kind of works, the language is not only fluent, but also rhythmic, lacking only the image and charm of poetry. Just like a person suffering from "anemia", his appearance seems normal, but in fact he can't stand the beating. Look at the following two examples:
fishing
coming to the river at leisure, dressed in green shade.
fishing in the setting sun is picturesque.
This poem gives the impression that it is only suitable for rough reading, but not for chewing. The reason why I can't chew carefully is because the author has exhausted all his words. For example, the words "picturesque" at the end of the sentence should have been appreciated by the reader, not by the author. The "poetic and picturesque" perceived by readers from poems is implicit; By the author himself, "picturesque" is shallow. What's more, the first three sentences of this poem do not describe the beautiful scenery of the people, and it is impossible to impress the readers by shouting "picturesque" in vain. If we really want to achieve the poetic effect, we must dig deep into the romantic scene and create another world. Now let's follow the author's footsteps, adjust and transform this poem, and then examine its artistic effect.
fishing
the lotus is swaying in the spring, and the willows are shaded by the shore.
Sit idly at Shantou, fishing with a pole.
both the original and the adaptation are devoted to "fishing", one of which is poetic and the other is cited but not published. Who is really "picturesque"? I believe it is not difficult for readers to make their own judgments.
Visit the Peach Blossom Garden
Che Fei roams through the spring at high speed, happy to see the new color of the mountain flowers.
The most beautiful scenery is Taoyuan. When you come back, you still miss the people in the cave.
The words and melody of this poem are all in line with the standard, but the meaning is not new, and it has not been refined after painstaking efforts. The words used in the first sentence are not economical, since the words "flying" and "high speed" should be omitted. Who dares to "fly" in downtown areas? Ordinary scenery can be seen everywhere, how can there be any "Peach Blossom Garden" characteristics? This is the so-called "universal gift" that can be given to Zhang San or Li Si. If it is "a peach blossom with a new color in ten miles", it will naturally merge with Tao Yuanliang's "forgetting the distance of the road, suddenly meeting the peach blossom forest, catching dozens of steps on the shore, with no miscellaneous trees, delicious grass and colorful flowers" and become a patent trademark here and now. The third sentence is also boring. "The scenery is good" should be appreciated and appreciated by readers from the text. It is not just empty talk when they talk about it there! The last sentence is also a cliche, so it is better to change the angle, say "jealousy" instead of "reading", and this poem may produce a strange interest. Of course, the word "jealousy" needs to be ready in front, and the original third sentence should be changed to "such scenery can't be moved away", and then the two sentences will be "bow like a full moon, arrow like a meteor" Look:
Visit the Peach Blossom Garden
Explore Wuling Spring by flying car, and ten miles of peach blossoms are all new.
I can't move away from such scenery, and I'm still jealous of the cave people when I come back.
Fourth, the category of "off-target"
In poetry creation activities, we can often see many astute authors who can better capture new things and new themes in life, but they are not good at choosing the angle of entry, so that they miss the target accurately or miss the depth. Good materials can't make good products. The following two first cases can provide us with reference in this respect:
Shenzhou goes to heaven
It is also reported that Shenzhou visited Jiuxiao, and the Cowherd and the Weaver Girl are happy to invite each other.
Next year, carrying wine will be the same as landing on the moon, and Chang 'e will not be taught to be lonely again.
This work captures a brand-new theme that Li Bai, Du Fu and Su Dongpo couldn't dream of in their time, and its expression technique is also somewhat romantic. Unfortunately, it failed to choose the right cutting angle, resulting in a biased shooting target, leaving behind the excellent materials that have been obtained. In addition, the roughness of the process also affects the aesthetic expression of the existing angle. For example, "inviting each other" is mostly used for friends, not suitable for couples; The word "teach" is against the law. If we change the angle, eliminate the elements of onlookers' comments, let the Cowherd and the Weaver Girl speak out and feel the joy brought by modern technology by themselves, the taste will be completely different. Please see:
Shenzhou goes to heaven (for a cow and a girl)
I'm glad to see Shenzhou visiting Bixiao. From now on, we don't need a bridge to get together.
If you go to the moon with wine, don't make Chang 'e feel lonely.
from the comparison between the original and the adaptation, it is not difficult to find that the so-called angle exchange is actually just adding the words "acting as a cow and a woman" to the title, and changing them into one person. As far as literal modification is concerned, it can only be regarded as fine-tuning; However, from the perspective of the correction of direction selection, it has the significance of four or two.
Spring Festival couplets
Pairs come down to earth, and life and death are tied to each other.
When searching for ancestors should be done after the poem, sticking a stamp will lead to spring first.
the meaning creates the ancient and modern world according to the situation, and the music plays the long and short strings.
I like Gog's first beauty most, and all the colorful columns in Pengmen are beautiful.
the topic is a common topic, and things are common. However, once it is skillfully cut, it adds a lot of emotion. Sometimes there are flaws in the poem, and sometimes there is a taste of nature. This kind of faulty and tasteful bud is more than 1, times better than the old three village acetic acid master's flawless and tasteless goods.
At the beginning, the metaphor of "life and death mandarin ducks in pairs" is used to give the Spring Festival couplets a full human touch, and the idea is different. However, the word "earthly" is a bit clever, because couplets are "earthly" things, so there is no need to classify them as "immortals", otherwise they will lose their authenticity. It would be nice to change it to "shadow", and nothing else, from the image alone, it is much fuller than the original sentence.
It's natural to decide the historical position of Spring Festival couplets. The lower ratio is too weak to be a poem, and it is changed to "spring people are happy to take the lead in flowers". The shape is still the same, and the meaning is brand-new. Five or six sentences are made by hand, and the expression is in place, and it is rare to use metrical changes flexibly to enhance the syllable effect.
There are obvious problems in the connection: the word "ge" in the previous sentence is against the law, and the word "first beauty" is too full, so the measure is not appropriate; The next sentence is generally poor in temperature, which is suspected of anticlimactic. It is necessary to break through the original conceptual framework before it can become the highlight of the whole poem. Please pay attention to the contrast:
Spring Festival couplets
Pairs of shadows are dancing, and life and death are bound by ink.
searching for ancestors should be done after the poem, and the people who reported the happiness in spring should take the lead in flowers.
the meaning creates the ancient and modern world according to the situation, and the music plays the long and short strings.
I like being high and snobbish, and the rich and the poor are happy together.
V. "bloated" poetry
Refinement is the most important thing, and you can express as many meanings as possible with as few words as possible, so you can be regarded as a master. There is a common kind of poet, who is always difficult to control himself when writing, and often writes what can be expressed in five words into seven words; What can be written in quatrains can be dragged into metrical poems. This phenomenon can be called "bloated". In today's poetry circles, this disease is more common. Here are a few examples to prove it:
Dukou vegetable farmers like Anqing Yangtze River Bridge.
In the past, they had a hard time crossing the river in Yicheng, and the boats and cars were long.
I'm glad that a new bridge is so wide that it can't withstand the cold weather for thousands of years.
in the north, the flowers of Huangmei blossom brightly, and in the south, the green fruits are fragrant.
The longines are played lightly in the east, accompanied by the pastoral chapter.
This work describes the benefits brought to vegetable farmers by the completion of Anqing Yangtze River Bridge, which is full of the spirit of the times and the breath of life. The missing words are far-fetched and slow. If compressed into five words, the effect seems to be better.
the word "Yicheng" in the first sentence can be omitted, and it is better to say "sorrow" than to say "bitterness". The second sentence "wind and fog" is too patchy, so it is appropriate to sweep it away; "Boat and car" is easy to be used as "chariots and horses", which can increase the time span of "the past" by countless times. The word "wide" is redundant in the neckline. Can it be narrower if it is bridged over the Yangtze River? And the meaning of the upper and lower words is not smooth, a little pruning, turning parallel into running water, isn't it concise? The five or six words are also not well thought out: the meaning of "rewarding Huangmei" is clear, and if a "flower" is repeated for no reason, it will become a snake's foot; The fragrance of "fruit" is hard to understand from "gone with the wind", and it is also contrary to human nature to give way to the sage and the land. Remove the branches, correct the deviation, and leave ten words to make a good sentence. The seventh sentence is a failure,