Introduction: My classmate put a tortoise patch on the back of my clothes when I wasn’t paying attention. I never noticed it and didn’t tell me after putting it on for several days... Then I finally found out. Ask my mother: Didn’t you see this sticky patch when you were doing laundry? Mom said: I saw it! I asked: Then why didn’t you take it off for me? My mother said innocently: I thought it was a trademark. I was afraid it would be damaged by washing, so I took it off and washed it, and then glued it back on when it was dry...

1. I heard a girl say to a boy today. : "You are so dark, why are you wearing a parasol?" The boy glanced at the girl and said, "I am dark and holding an umbrella has the same purpose as you being ugly and wearing makeup." The girl had a dark look on her face.

2. I took my three-year-old nephew out to play today. A beautiful girl in a floral skirt walked in front of me. He ran over and lifted up her skirt, touched her butt, and then ran away. Come over here and tell me, uncle, you can touch the black underwear you are wearing, too. . . .

3. Xiao Ming: "Dad, this is my first time cooking. Please try it." Xiao Ming: "Dad, how does it taste?" Dad: "Well, you fried it with salt Yes, it has a faint egg fragrance! "Xiao Ming: "..."

4. A loser went up the mountain to find the master and said: Master, I have seen through the world of mortals, please help me get tonsured. Master: You come to me every month to get shaved. How much can you spend for a haircut?

5. I took the test paper and asked the teacher a question, "What should the teacher do for this question?" "Get out!" "Oh, why are teachers like this now." I could only look disappointed. Exited the women's restroom.

6. I was queuing up to withdraw money at an ATM, and there was a very beautiful girl behind me. In order to show off in front of her, I chose to operate in English, and deliberately let the girl see it. In the end, the ATM successfully My card is swallowed. . .

7. When the teacher talked about power, he said it means square, and also mentioned Yang Mi. Her parents’ surname is Yang. She is the square of Yang, so she is called Yang Mi. If three people in the family have the surname Yang, it’s okay. His name is Yang Cube. . . At this time Xiao Ming stood up and said: "No, it's Yang Yangyang!" Teacher: Get out! ! !

8. I finally understand why men like to hide private money, just to be able to run away from home at a critical moment. Not to mention, he is still wandering the streets penniless. It’s just that I realized it too late! ! !

9. My daughter is two and a half years old and likes to eat meat. Once when we were making roast pork with dried beans, we reminded her to eat more beans and less meat to avoid gaining weight. She kept digging meat into her bowl with a spoon, while pretending to be unhappy and frowning, she said: Why am I so unlucky? Why is it that everything I dig is meat?

10. One day, I said coquettishly to my mother: I am my mother’s caring little cotton-padded jacket. As she said this, she hugged her mother, but she pushed her away: "It's hot, so I don't wear a cotton-padded jacket."

11. Today I saw that the team leader’s face was not very good, so I asked her: “What’s wrong? Zhang Milk Powder threw her schoolbag out?” “It’s okay, it’s just that my sister was picked up by a boy...” "..." When I heard this, I immediately turned off the light, and then shouted to the team members: "Look, the team leader is shining!"... Team leader, please stop, don't slap me in the face. !

12. I took my niece in a taxi, and she insisted on playing with my mobile phone. After getting off the car, my niece asked proudly: "Auntie, guess where I hid your mobile phone?" I laughed. He asked: "Where is it hidden?" "It's hidden in the car!

13. I went to the morning market to buy vegetables early in the morning. I saw the celery that I was satisfied with. So I asked: "Boss, how is this dish? Sell? "Boss: "2 yuan a pound, all grown by myself. .Three no products. Green and environmentally friendly. . . I wanted to talk about the price, so I asked, "Can you sell it for 1.5 yuan per catty?" The boss immediately changed his expression and said, "I can't even get the goods for 1.5 yuan." Will you still let me live? "Oh, boss, didn't you grow it yourself?... It's so contradictory.

14. I saw a Taobao review today. Customer service: How do you like your clothes? Customer: They look handsome. It exploded, and my girlfriend wanted to break up with her.

Customer Service: I also sell girlfriends here. Do you want one?

15. Wife: "How do you know that the four flies you killed were two males and two females?" "Because I killed two on the wine bottle and two more on the bottle." I'll beat you to death on the mirror!"

16. If you forget to bring your money just after dinner, you will tell your boss to make up for it next time, but the boss won't do it! I got angry and called more than 10 waiters, and finally got the money for the meal!

17. "Dear, who do you want our children to be more like?" "They can be like anyone, just don't be like me, short and ugly!" "Hey, why didn't you say this earlier? "It scared me to death!"

18. I heard a story about a man and a woman who said they only had one room and the man tipped the waiter 100 yuan. Today, a man brought a woman to check out a room. He asked me if I had a room and winked. I immediately understood and said, "Sorry, there is only one room." I only heard the man say: "Oh, that's it, then we can Let’s find another one.” It’s completely unreasonable.

19. I went to cook and scrambled eggs this noon. I put the pot on the fire and cracked the eggs again. After the eggs were cracked, I saw the pot on the fire, and there was a lot of smoke. I quickly put the eggs on the fire. I was so dizzy when I poured it into the pot that I forgot to put oil in the pot.

20. Bajie was demoted to the mortal world. When he met Tang Monk passing by Gao Laozhuang, he worshiped him. One day Tang Monk asked: "Bajie, why were you demoted here?" Bajie said: "I remember one day after drinking, the Jade Emperor asked me to complete daily tasks. I was too stupid and misunderstood."

21. How ugly is the photo on the ID card? Put it this way, if I encounter a police officer on the road performing official duties: "Please show your ID card, or we will shoot!" I will say, go ahead.

22. Before leaving, the girl’s mother told her, “You must be reserved on your honeymoon and don’t take off all your clothes to sleep at night!” A month later, they came back, and the groom asked his mother-in-law: “Mom, you Why does my daughter always wear a hat to bed at night? ”

23. I remember that I came back a few days early from a business trip last time, and I drank with my friends before I got home, and I was so drunk that I fell unconscious. I went back and knocked on the door. A man opened the door. I saw that he was beaten severely. The man kept apologizing and ran away. When I woke up the next morning, I found that the person lying on the bed was not my wife, but my neighbor's wife. Haha I enjoyed the consequences of getting drunk and entering the wrong house.

24. I met an old classmate on the street and a woman holding a child, thinking it was his wife and child. I politely said, "This kid looks like you!" After saying that, I felt my classmate and the woman tremble at the same time, and then I heard the woman whisper: Brother-in-law, is it really obvious? This...

25. I like to go to the bank in the summer. Firstly, I can use the air conditioner, and secondly, I can check the balance, so that my body and mind will be much cooler.

26. Today I picked up a young female passenger. She was pretty and pretty, wearing a short skirt. I asked her: "Where are you going?" Then I took another look, and the girl was unhappy. What were she looking at? Drive! I said, "I see you're wearing a skirt and you don't have a bag. Where are you going to pay for it?" The girl lifted up her skirt, pointed to the elastic band on her underwear and said, "From here!!!!"

27. Two scumbag students were talking about university. A said: "I want to get into Fudan University." B said: "If you can get into Fudan University, then I'll get into Peking University." A: "Then I'll get into Tsinghua University." B: "I'll get into Fudan University." Cambridge." A: "I'm taking the Oxford exam." A friend came over and said, "Who's taking the Oxford exam?" No?"

28. Just now, when I was waiting for the elevator, I met a fashionably dressed beauty. I looked at her from head to toe, and then I said to her: "Beauty, what are you doing?" Delivering fast food." Me: "But I see you have nothing else but a bag?" Beauty: "..." "Take all the goods with you, the investment is small and the results are quick!" Me:...

< p> 29. During a high school entrance examination, a candidate fell asleep, but the teacher did not call him. But half an hour before he left the examination room, the teacher woke him up and said, "Get up, classmate, and dry your papers, otherwise they won't be bound."

”

30. That year, when I was 18, I told myself with tears that I must find a girl better than her. A few years ago, when I was 26, I cried and said I wanted to find a good woman. Last year, when I was 29, I smiled bitterly and said I must find someone. , I am still a virgin at 30, and I think it doesn’t really matter whether I am human or not. When I was a child, I didn’t like eating, which made me short now, but now I like eating, which makes me fat and short.

1. The most beautiful thing is not the rainy day, but the roof that has sheltered you from the rain

2. The feeling that someone close to you is suddenly a stranger and your hope is completely lost is like drinking cold water and being burned.

3. You never got involved, but I lost myself.

4. I didn’t like eating as a child, so I am short now. Resulting in being fat and short.

5. Among a hundred people, I am an angel and a bitch.

6. Growing up from a little woman to a big woman. It’s because of helplessness; it’s because of happiness that we return from big women to small women.

7. Time takes away our past and takes us away from the past.

8. ．Only when you are at your lowest point will you know who is the fool who is worried about you and who is the stranger.

9. I met you very late, but I will stay with you for a long time. /p>

10. From being with me for a long time to being with me in wine, from being able to sing and cry to being able to be abandoned.

11. He is still there, but he is still there. It’s just that this life has nothing to do with me anymore.

12. If I got you with no effort, I wouldn’t be sad even if you ran away with someone else, but if I got you with all my efforts. , do you know the possessiveness that doesn’t allow anyone to touch you?

13. I only have one youth, and I don’t want to let anyone down.

14. The story is not touching enough, but the storyteller always sheds tears.

15. There is a piece of clothing in every girl’s wardrobe: I was so poor when I bought it, but now I hate wearing it. Ugly.

16. Be with whomever you feel comfortable with, no matter friendship or love. 17. Why do we sleep in class?

18. No matter how old we are, I always feel that it is immoral for God to freeze us into dogs without our consent.

19. It was also the seed of infatuation, but it was drowned by a heavy rain

20. This great spring and autumn dream in my youth finally woke up in this glass of wine filled with the north wind. Personalized classic mood phrases

Funny and personalized classic mood phrases

1. According to pig’s aesthetics, you are basically a handsome guy

2. I am not Liu Yiyang, but I want her to be happier than Tong Jiaqian.

3. I never hold grudges, and I usually avenge them on the spot.

4. Don’t use honey traps on me, otherwise I will take advantage of them.

5. Just because you cry doesn’t mean you are truly compassionate; if I smile, it doesn’t mean everything is fine.

6. What is happiness? You eat fish, I eat meat, and watch others chew bones!

7. I don’t want to be an episode in your life, I just want to be the most perfect ending of your life.

8. I am either a brother or a sister. Let me tell you, my sister is a miracle.

9. If you don’t want to rush to three, two is not enough!

10. Go to school and get money to make a living, go to work and make a living to make ends meet

11. When you come, I will treat you as if you have never left; if you leave, I will treat you as if you have never been here.

12. In the first 22 years of my life, I was rejected 3 times, rejected 2 times, and currently leading 3:2.

13. You are calm because you are not afraid of death. I am calmer than you because I am not afraid of your death.

14. If I win five million, I think I’d better donate it to my own account.

15. Cecilia, please go, I can’t bear to leave Han Hong!

16. It turns out that after you become sensible, even "laughing" is so tiring.

17. Don’t cry at my grave.

Dirty my path to reincarnation.

18. I have spent my entire youth reviewing my youth, and I will spend my entire life doubting life.

19. Life is: be born and live

20. If you think you are awesome, then you must be stupid

21. The most valuable The charming person is Master Kong, and thousands of people follow him every day.

22. Who didn’t love a few beasts when they were young?

23. How can they call you a pig? This is outrageous! You can't just call someone whatever their parents look like! How can you say you look like a pig? That's an insult to the pig.

24. I am small-minded, but I am not lacking. I am good-tempered, but I am not lacking!

25. Time passes without us realizing it, and we realize it later.

26. Are there any of you like me who go to school just for the girls you like to have the motivation to study?

27. Men who go to bars are looking for excitement, while women are mostly stimulated.

28. I heard what I said is correct. Taking this pill will ensure that you run to the toilet. There are many benefits. I will talk about this later. Go to the toilet first

29. Whether the coat is clean or not, others focus on the collar, but my wife focuses on the pockets.

30. Society is very simple, but people are complicated.

31. I remember all the people who care about me. I have nothing, but I definitely have a conscience.

32. Your appearance is very refreshing!

33. I am a little bird. I want to fly but I can’t fly high. Huh? It turns out that there is no hair

34. It takes thousands of years to change from a monkey to a human, but it only takes a bottle of wine to change from a human to a monkey

35. When you can’t read anymore, I took out the mirror and said silently: I have grown up like this and still don’t study well.

36. You, why didn’t you use your face to study body armor?

37. I am not as perfect or strong as you think, money and beautiful women are enough to conquer me!

38. After meeting me, you will suddenly realize that being handsome can be so specific.

39. Boys are strong to express themselves, and girls are strong to protect themselves.

40. When the test papers were handed out for the primary school exam, a female classmate next to me said: Teacher, I have it. Teacher: Whose is it? My deskmate yelled "He's mine."

41. I see a nice guy, so I plan to go to Thailand first, then to Korea, and finally marry him.

42. Let the storm come more violently, so that girls wearing miniskirts dare not go out.

43. Of the five words "I am very able to endure hardship", if I have achieved the first four, it proves that I have reached 80% of the ability to endure hardship?

44. Do you know me well? If you have nothing to do, just play a video. You can treat it as your TV. Just press it and someone will appear. Funny phrases that are both unique and annoying

Funny phrases that are unique and annoying

1. Life is like a news broadcast, you cannot escape by changing the channel.

2. Don’t call me rustic, I’m called retro. Don't call me vulgar, I'm called national.

3. Don’t tell me to forget you, I didn’t remember you at all

4. Look carefully, my slap really suits your face

< p> 5. Smart men make fun of themselves, and stupid men make jokes of others.

6. Log in to QQ every day not to chat, but just to see if he is there

7. Secret love is a kind of politeness, narcissism is a kind of pride, and open love is a kind of Style, not falling in love is a taste.

8. The farthest distance in the world is not between life and death, but that I am on Sina Weibo and you are on Tencent Weibo.

9. If you, you, you, you force me again, I will feed you Sanlu.

10. I want to be a boy in my next life and marry a girl like me.

11. Waiting is a kind of expectation, waiting is a kind of attachment, waiting is a kind of longing.

12. Change the season, and naturally change your boyfriend.

13. More happiness, less worries. Go to sleep when you are tired, smile when you wake up

14. A man who deletes it does not add it a second time. Dump a man without giving him a second glance.

15. I can’t learn from your free and easy attitude, so I can’t escape the pain you give me.

16. The scariest time for a woman is not when she shows off her power, but when she takes off her makeup.

17. Knowledge is like garbage, it will only accumulate more and more.

18. There are some things that cannot be said, but I know in my heart that some things cannot be undone, but they once existed.

19. Life is not simple, so live it as simply as possible.

20. Some things mature after they have been experienced, and some people end it after understanding them.

21. Love is like two people pulling a monkey rubber band. The pain is always the one who lets go...

22. For immature people, freedom means looseness. .

23. I want to be the oxygen, the courage you need to live. I want to be the air, the necessity you need to survive.

24. I stand in a place with light. , but I can’t see the sun

25. The summer vacation is not over yet, and I am already looking forward to the winter vacation.

26. Everyone is like a blank piece of paper, filled with God’s drawings and then thrown into the trash can, but they all have a colorful past!

27. Every journey is a kind of realization

28. The three words that are most likely to make people cry are "don't cry".

29. The most painful thing in the world is to be woken up after a good sleep

30. A person holding the air and laughing heartlessly

< p> 31. Yuelao, please stop using inferior red threads to hold me up. They break every now and then.

32. In fact, I am not stupid, I am just too lazy to be smart.

33. It is better to be heartless than to be heartbroken.

34. The price of a grave has risen so fast that it is impossible to afford death.

35. Your profile picture is dark, but my mood is gray.

36. I am just a selfish child, so selfish that I think you are mine.

37. From this second on, I will live lifelessly

38. Although it hurts to fall, seeing others falling together makes it less painful< /p>

39. Learn to pretend, but never learn to be strong.

40. The marriage law that can really prevent divorce is: after divorce, the house belongs to the state.

41. Why did you start to show your heart to me when I learned to be heartless?

42. Since I added you to the blacklist, my heart no longer hurts, my eyes no longer feel sore, and I feel energetic. When I squat in the corner, I feel so happy.

43. Remember, not all fish will live in the same sea

44. During the Qingming Festival, it is not easy for students these days to have a holiday. The light of the ancestors.

45. The man who loves me most in the world has already passed away from his mother.

46. Friends, there are real and fake RMB, but unfortunately I am not a banknote detector.

47. Sleeping is also an art, and no one can stop me from pursuing art.

48. What makes me proud and proud is that so far, the earth is still under my feet.

49. My dear, let’s dye our hair gray together, so that we can grow old together.

50. Youth is like toilet paper. When you use it, you feel a lot, but as you use it, it disappears.

51. The cat said to the mouse: When I want to protect you, I forget that I am a cat.

52. Since people get tanned, their faces look better, their teeth become whiter, and they no longer blush when drinking alcohol.

53. When someone opens the window, the fragrance of flowers greets them. I opened the window and there was a loud bang, and several plastic bags flew towards me.

54. I really miss my childhood. When it was hot, I could be shirtless like a man.

55. When you do something right, no one will remember; when you do something wrong, even breathing is wrong.

56. Once upon a time, there was an ice that melted while walking.

57. China’s national sport should be football, because it is always played domestically and cannot be played abroad.

58. When I have money, I will buy a bus and drive to the bus stop every day. When someone gets on the bus, I will say sorry, it is a private car.

59. Today’s men are becoming more and more feminine.

60. When you are broken up in love, use your mobile phone as a lighter to light a cigarette, and use your mobile phone as a TV remote control.

61. When I was a child, I would blush whenever someone stared at me. Now, whenever someone stares at me, I make them blush.

62. Love is a game, sometimes you have to play G.

63. A woman’s pretense is more about her posture, and a man’s pretense is more abnormal

64. Beethoven told us that the more you carry your back, the more points you will score.

65. Don’t say you will change, hinder my pace and waste my youth.

66. Every cautious man will put the Qvod icon in my document collection.

67. If I go down one day, remember, I will come back to you.

68. Jimmy wrote in the book that I always encounter the most beautiful surprises in the deepest despair

69. First line: You are the principal, second line: I am the teacher . Hengpi: Two idiots.

70. Every time you don’t take a taxi, there are many cars in front of you, but every time you take a taxi, you don’t get one.

71. Although I can’t save all sentient beings, I can Disaster for the common people

72. There is only beauty that comes out of life, but there is no glory waiting to come out!