What I said to the duck

A drunkard sitting in a small hotel saw a guy walking in with a duck under his arm, and asked: "You and that duck?" What are pigs doing together?"

The guy said, "This is not a pig, it's a duck." The drunkard immediately said back: "I said it to the duck."

Zhu Bajie’s last love letter

Yulan: Hello!

Yesterday, a sad day for the whole world, I finally left. I am going on a business trip to the West with two other old bachelors, one named Sun Wukong and the other Tang Monk. We may not be back for three to five years.

Can you imagine my mood when I left Gaolaozhuang? I am a pig-headed person who takes three steps and one step back. How I wish to stay in Gaolaozhuang and live a happy communist life with you. I plow the fields, you weave, I pick manure, and you trade stocks. Harmony, beauty, love and affection. As soon as your father's legs are straightened, we'll work together to give birth to a bunch of piglets. Then we will work together to send them to study and train them to become Pig Millionaire and Doctor Pig in the future. What a sense of accomplishment. When we are so old that there is only one front tooth left, we will not regret for wasting our years, nor will we be ashamed of doing nothing. We will dare to pat our fat and say that all our lives and all our energy have been spent. It has been dedicated to the most magnificent cause of pigs, fighting for the inheritance of pigs.

Unfortunately, all these beautiful dreams were shattered by that damn monkey. Not only did I snatch you away, but I also burned out my holes. I worked hard for so many years and lived frugally. I only dared to eat about three hundred steamed buns in one meal. I finally bought a Snowflake 21-inch color TV and a Bulldozer electric fan, but they were sacrificed by dead monkeys. The love was donated to the hardest-hit area - the King of Hell. Although the color TV screen is often filled with snowflakes and the electric fan often roars like a bulldozer, it is all caused by sweat. Dead monkey, if I couldn't beat him, I would kill him, chop him into many pieces, and dry him in the sun. Have you never eaten dried monkeys? One day I will let you try them.

And that damn monk, who went to the West to get the Bird Scripture. I suggested that he use door-to-door mailing or door-to-port air freight. He refused to listen. He insisted on going there by himself. He was timid and insisted on asking a large group of people to go. In addition, he also has a fear of airplanes, trains, and ships... Apart from riding a mule and horse with a strong homosexual tendency, he is afraid of everything. There are also such freaks, and the country should quickly spend money to keep them in captivity and set up a protection fund. Besides, what's the use of taking back the scriptures? It's purely for display in the study, so that people can't figure out his identity as a farmer and entrepreneur. I know this kind of person all too well. You can tell me not to go, because I am an old fool to catch up with my superior Tathagata, and Guanyin happens to be in menopause, which makes me easily laid off. I have no choice but to go if there are difficulties, and if there are no difficulties, I will go even if there are difficulties.

Yulan, I really can’t bear to leave you. As the saying goes, a husband and a wife will live together forever. We have been married for two years. Even though you are always holding a pair of sharp scissors, I have never touched you with a finger. We didn't get a bed driving license issued by the civil affairs department, but we have lived together for two years after all. Thinking of every bit of our life together, my heart feels like a knife (this is an idiom, Lanlan, I'm afraid of you) I don’t understand, so I have to explain it. It means holding your heart in your hands and cutting it off with scissors. I looked it up in many dictionaries before I found it). I know you feel very sad, but what can you do? The ancients said: If love lasts for a long time, how can it be in the morning and at night? (My ancestors are a bit obscene, please don’t blame me.) Yulan, you must wait for me to come back. And I will definitely organize a return group to fight back. Lan Mei must have confidence in this.

I wish Lanmei will be as graceful as the orchids

Brother Zhu Bajie’s tearful book

Gengzi in the 13th year of Xuantong