1.

When I go to work in the morning, the bus is very crowded and there are so many people. At the second stop, a young beauty came up, followed by a man. It looked like they didn't know each other. He stood there for several seconds without speaking. The little beauty should be around 1.62cm tall, and I am 1.80cm tall. Basically a head taller than her. The kind of packaged soy milk that the little beauty is holding. He was standing right in front of me. Because it was so crowded, the little girl stood in the middle and couldn't grasp the armrest at all. Maybe she was afraid of spilling the soy milk, so she raised the paper cup of soy milk high above her shoulders and took a sip from time to time. I didn't have breakfast this morning. I couldn't stand the smell of soy milk. She took a sip and then relaxed her shoulders. The straw is just not far from my mouth, about 3cm at most.

After a while, I couldn’t help it any longer, so I opened my mouth and took a small sip. It was so light that the little beauty didn’t notice it. Then she took it over and took another sip, then raised it over her shoulder, and I took another sip. Take a puff. After a while, the soy milk should be gone, but I don’t know. She muttered to herself: "What a world, the soy milk sellers are all lying. They pretend to be so little and almost finished the drink in a few gulps." I almost burst out laughing at that time. When she raised the paper cup to her shoulder again, I sucked it step by step. As a result, because there was not much in it, I made a "gurgling, gurgling" sound when I sucked it. The little beauty turned around suddenly, and I was petrified at that time. I was holding her straw in my mouth. I was so stiff. I was so embarrassed at that time. MB, I have the idea of ????jumping out of the car. The little beauty said: "What are you doing? Does it taste good? Do you want me to buy you a drink? You look so handsome and you don't look like a poor person." Me: "..."

I still feel scared when I think about it now. The little beauty got off the bus at the next stop, and several people around me kept looking at me. I laughed at myself and said, "It's my girlfriend, joking with me." I just finished speaking. The man who got into the car with the little beauty spoke up: "What are you talking about, brother? I let you drink the soy milk, and you also want a man. She is my girlfriend, okay?" Me: "Ah, what are you doing? Don’t you want to get off the car?” The brother said, “She’s here, but I’m not here yet. I still have a few stops to go. Are you a little too shameless? There are so many people, so I won’t say anything.” You want it too, okay?" I said in a low voice, "It's yours, I don't want it."

I jumped down just as I arrived. . . . Sweat all over.

Too panic.

It’s too confusing.

So uneasy.

2.

Once I suddenly thought of going swimming, so I bought a cheap pair of swimming trunks in the supermarket because there was no other color but red. As a result, I didn’t expect my swimming trunks to fade. When I was soaking in the pool, wisps of red oozed out from my lower body, rippling in the water... An uncle swam past me and looked at the red spots underneath me. "Blood", and looked at my naked upper body. For a moment, his expression was very contradictory...

3.

Tell me about my childhood! Everyone knows the big 28 bicycle with a large beam, right? When I was four or five years old, I would sit directly on the beam of my father's bicycle, sideways. Over time, my feet would become numb, which was very uncomfortable! Finally, one time when I went to my grandma’s house, I suggested sitting in the back seat because that way my feet wouldn’t go numb! Agreed! Haha, let’s go! ! As a result, something happened when we arrived at the destination...Dad forgot about me, took my legs off from behind, and then kicked me off...

4.

I heard from a friend that when he was in college, a boy with a low EQ finally met a girl he liked, and the two started dating.

Once the girl was sick, the boy accompanied her to the infirmary for a drip.

Ten minutes passed, and twenty minutes passed, but there was no movement.

The boy wanted to break the silence, so he asked: "Is it cold?"

"Cold"

"I'll cover you if it's cold?"

The girl blushed and whispered "Okay"

Then the boy stood up. . . . . . . . . .

He covered the drip bottle with his hand.

5.

When I was young, I always bullied my younger sister because of how older I was. One night, my father came over to tuck us in, and he suddenly found our three-year-old sister sitting upright in the dark. Looking at me sleeping!

Why aren’t you sleeping yet? Dad asked.

My sister hurriedly said: Hush! Keep your voice down, wait until she falls asleep and beat her!

6.

I have a classmate who is a Christian and feels a little obsessed.

The school has morning exercises, and he feels that teachers must also get up early to do exercises, otherwise it is unfair.

So I ran directly to the principal to negotiate.

The principal was stunned for a moment and said: Where are you from?

My classmate said lovingly: I am sent by God to save you.

Principal:×※%（）￥×※%

7.

This person is prone to hearing loss when he gets older. I remember that when I was a child, I was at my grandma’s house. One morning, my grandfather was going fishing. As soon as he left the house, he ran into the old man next door. The old man said to my grandpa: "Go fishing!" My grandpa said: "No! I'm going fishing." Then the old man said: "Oh, I thought you were going fishing?" I was petrified...

8.

I didn’t pay attention while washing the dishes and dropped the bowl on the floor. It was okay, but it only lost a corner on the edge and made a small gap.

Then continue washing the dishes. Without paying attention, my right hand passed through the gap... and it broke

I thought: Is it really that fast? It can break your hands. Then I tried it with my left hand, and it broke too

I thought: It is indeed fast enough. If this bowl is used for eating, my mouth will soon be in trouble? Then I had sex and tried it with my mouth... My lips were also broken...

9.

A couple on the bus, the woman allowed a pervert to touch her, but the boyfriend showed no expression. . After arriving at the station, the boyfriend grabbed the pervert out of the car, beat him skillfully and then left with his girlfriend. A website analyzes the reasons for voting. 75 people voted for "This guy is waiting for his skills to cool down..."

10.

There is a bun shop near the subway station. The business is very good. There is a queue next to it every day. Train ticket sales point.

Today I was queuing up to buy steamed buns. When I was about to get there, I heard two men behind me saying: "Wow, it turns out this is a steamed bun shop selling train tickets...ah, over there." !

11.

I just sent a drunk guy home, and along the way he asked me to get a massage. When it was delivered to the door of his house, his wife opened it. My friend looked at it and said to me: "This, this, this lady looks like my wife, haha." Her wife's face twitched when she saw her, and it was inconvenient for her to get angry when she saw me around. Help him into the living room with me. He said he needed to go to the toilet, so he went in alone. As soon as he saw his wife, he answered the phone and slammed the door angrily and left, wondering. This guy came out of the toilet and said to me: "I just called my wife and told her that the company was working overtime and she wouldn't be going back."

12.

Once I went to a dungeon to refresh the map with warriors... Half an hour later, a message suddenly came out on the speaker and almost shocked me to death: "Zhejiang XX Mine Affiliated" Middle school classmates, the principal came and ran quickly...

13.

To buy a pair of gloves, the boss asked for 35, I said I would take 30, but the boss refused. 35. After talking for a few times and refusing to give in, I thought about it and gave him 50.

14.

One more

In high school, our toilet had a door with a spring that could return by itself, but it could only be opened inward, not outward

Many people had one I have a habit of kicking the toilet door with my foot.

Most people kick it at about knee height. I have a classmate who has practiced martial arts. Maybe he always lifts his foot to show off or to maintain his flexibility. Very high, about chest height.

One evening, this person went to WC, walked to the door, and without thinking, he kicked him with his foot

Our teaching director just finished his convenience, opened the door and walked out

So our dean was kicked hard by my classmate and kicked back to the toilet. . .

15.

Take your wife for a prenatal check-up in the morning. After drawing blood:

Nurse: Come get the examination form on the 32nd.

Wife: January 32nd or February 32nd.

Me (weakly): February 1st

Nurse (sweat): Yes~yes~yes~

16.

I was on a plane a few days ago. When I got on the plane, I noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to me. Following the rules of conversation, I blurted out and asked, where are you getting off?

17.

I was cooking porridge with a rice cooker in the dormitory last night. Suddenly my roommate rushed into the dormitory and said: It’s not good. The hospital leader led a team to check the illegal electrical appliances in the dormitory. They have already When we got to the next door, what should I do with the pot? In desperation, I hid the pot under the quilt. After the teacher came, he said: Well, I still trust Xiaolei (himself), so I won’t look at your cabinet. I secretly felt lucky, but the teacher went on to say: Just see if you use the electric blanket. As a result, I was written off. T_T

18.

A cat pounces on someone. He has a new girlfriend. He is in love with his concubine. He wants to visit his girlfriend at home. The girlfriend knows that he often talks dirty words, so she repeatedly warns him not to do it. Nonsense, someone readily agreed. After the meeting, the man responded freely and did not reveal any secrets. His girlfriend's parents were very satisfied. After dinner, in the dead of winter, my girlfriend's parents also insisted on sending her off to the roadside. Someone was quite moved, and with a hot head, he blurted out, "Uncle, don't send me away, go back quickly, and show my auntie how cool she is!"

19.

Today my boss asked me to delete all the CS in the Internet cafe. I have been busy all night. As for why CS should be deleted? In fact, the reason is this. Today's temporary inspection by the Public Security Bureau had already gotten wind of it. For several days in a row, I acted as a scavenger, driving out all creatures under the age of 18 from the Internet cafe. So when we watched the police officers coming from a distance, my boss and I were not nervous at all. But it's a pity. When the police uncles just stepped into the door of the Internet cafe, a group of people playing CS in the Internet cafe happened to shout excitedly: "The police are coming! The police are coming! The police are in the dog hole! Come on, brothers! Kill them!" "All right. I admit that at that moment, not only the faces of the police officers turned green, but the boss and I also looked horribly green.

20.

818 There is an elder sister around me who has done very funny things.

She had a mobile phone and a PHS. One day she got a new mobile phone sim card. A colleague asked her what the new number was. She said she had forgotten it, so she used the phone with the new sim card to dial herself. of PHS.

While dialing, she continued chatting with her colleagues. After the PHS phone rang, she picked it up and asked: "Hello?...Hello?...Speak. If you don't speak, I will hang up!"

All the colleagues present were petrified.

After that, she hung up and said, "You're crazy. You called me and didn't say anything."

21. My wife went on a business trip and didn’t come back for several days.

She secretly sent me a text message during the afternoon meeting. The leader next to me slept like a dead pig. It was so funny~

It turned out that there was a telecommunications problem, so the message was sent in the middle of the night. to my phone.

I almost jumped off the stairs at that time

22. My husband left, and I was playing peek-a-boo with my three-year-old daughter at home in the evening. I hid behind the curtains and watched. When my daughter was lying in front of the sofa, she said to the dark sofa: Auntie, come out quickly, I see you...

23. I remember that in high school, I was studying in the evening, and a buddy was in the last row. sleep. I woke up suddenly, turned off the light, and went to sleep. At that time, the whole class was dumbfounded.

24. Worried about the names of future children, those with the same generation. The cousin of the eldest uncle's family is named Chen Guandong, and the second uncle's cousin is called Chen Guannan. Yesterday, my mother said that my third uncle’s cousin had a baby named Chen Guanbei. Damn it, the family is sinister! Third brother is trying to harm me.

But I just read "The Golden Age", and while I admire it, I secretly plan to call it Guanzhong. You can't tell your little cousin this.

25. When I was in my junior year, I once had lunch with my boyfriend in the school cafeteria. There were so many people, and I finally managed to get a seat facing each other. A couple sitting behind me were also facing each other. The boy and I were Back to back. Suddenly, the couple started to quarrel. They seemed to think that the boy's rice was not delicious. I didn't care and continued to eat happily. As I was eating, I heard a popping sound and suddenly felt that my back was very hot starting from the hair. Just by feeling, A pot of spicy rice noodles was placed on my head. I was petrified for a minute and was numb from the heat. Then a male voice whispered in my ear: I'm sorry, she was going to hit me!

26. I have a friend. He said that his college classmate once went to the university cafeteria to eat. At that time, he was holding a lunch box and hesitating about what to eat. He muttered: Should I eat chicken or fish? That The cafeteria lady urged him to choose quickly, but he slapped his head and shouted, let’s eat chicken! The cafeteria lady was stunned for three seconds and gave him a sausage. . .

27. The big cat at home gave birth to 6 kittens. They were very cute. Since they were just born, they hadn’t even opened their eyes yet. One kitten couldn’t find its feeder for some reason. , or the competition is too great and you can’t get it. One day, the big cat went out to eat. I went to see the kitten and found that the kitten was holding the other kitten's tail and sucking there

28.

A classmate tells a story about her middle school days. During class, a boy fell asleep on the table and was discovered by the teacher. The teacher was very calm and asked his deskmate to pay attention. . . .

This is really a washing utensil. . . The deskmate took off his coat and put it on the sleeping boy. . .

29. My computer password is: FUCK YOU, and yesterday my boss wanted to use my computer and asked me to send the password to his mobile phone...

30. General high schools There was an earlier morning self-study before the morning self-study. Everyone got up in a haze, washed up and walked to the classroom in a haze. At this moment, the female class teacher was already waiting at the door of the classroom. She was wearing red long johns around her neck and looking at each classmate one after another with her hands in her pockets. Everyone was holding in that self-study so hard...

31. I remember one time my classmate pranked me and stuck a monster patch on the back of my clothes while I wasn't paying attention. I was so stupid that I never noticed it. They posted it for several days without telling me... Later I finally found out, so I asked my aunt: Auntie, didn't you see this sticky patch when you were doing laundry? My aunt said: I saw it! I asked: Then why didn’t you take it off for me? The aunt said innocently: I thought it was a trademark. I was afraid it would be damaged by washing, so I took it off and washed it, and then glued it back on after it dried...

32.

Yes This time I met a primary school teacher whom I hadn’t seen for many years. I was very excited and felt very friendly. I didn’t know what to think. I ran up to me and touched the teacher’s head excitedly. The teacher was also stunned at the time, and I was also confused. , and then I said...you have grown so big!

At that time, I was so sweaty that I wanted to go to shit quickly...

33. One day, a group of young people with unknown origins came to a private room to celebrate their birthday. They were all well-dressed, thinking that it was another prodigal son of a high-ranking official who came to have fun. After asking, the lady didn't want service, so she sent me a platter and ignored me.

JC comrades came over to check in the middle of the night. (I just came for a formality and greeted them in advance. If I came here without saying hello, they would definitely meet their leader.) But I didn’t expect this group of people to be taking drugs. JC looked at a bunch of young people and asked me if we didn’t know them either. Go up and catch him without saying a word. Then, comedy happened.

A man with glasses was lying on the wall, his limbs making swimming shapes. The expression is very vulgar. JC went up and pulled him down. Man with glasses: Awesome, you can still recognize me even after I turned into a gecko.

34. An embarrassing story about a classmate: The classmate is also a girl. For a while, she felt something was wrong with her breasts and went to the hospital for a check-up. The doctor said it was breast lobular hyperplasia. My classmate was stunned for a long time and asked angrily: What did you say? Do I have lobular hyperplasia? Could it be that the only A-cup cup I have is also a result of growth? So besides hyperplasia, what else do I have?

35. My classmate’s father is a taxi driver. That day two men stopped the taxi with their hands and asked:

How much does it cost to go to such-and-such a place?

About 10 yuan.

Should the two of you go at 15?

... Go! go!

36. It turned out that when I was in school, my deskmate was very playful

Once he was found sleeping in class by the teacher. The teacher said xxx, stand up

I told him I woke up and said that the teacher asked you to stand up, but he stared at the teacher and refused to stand up

The teacher is anxious xxx You stand up! He still didn't get up and rolled his eyes at the teacher

The teacher has lost his temper xxx I can't control students like you and continue the class

I whispered xxx you are really nbb, you are confronting the teacher

xxx said that actually I wanted to stand up

But~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~my legs were numb from sleep. . .

37. At the New Year’s dinner, there are a few tables with name tags, and everyone else can sit wherever they want. Then I heard a woman say: "Go and sit in front, there is your memorial tablet there." I suddenly collapsed...

38. There was a mid-term exam, and a classmate in our grade was in the toilet. Duan Chang was caught for sending text messages inside, but he refused to reveal his accomplices. Duan Chang very calmly used his mobile phone to send a group text message - "Come to the men's room on the second floor to get the answer."

Then... ...The comrades came from all directions... The whole army was wiped out...

39. There are two fruits at the school gate. Stall A, a girl was buying bananas at stall A. While picking, she kept squeezing the bananas with her hands, probably to see if they were ripe or not. At this time, the vendor at stall B said: Classmate, come to my place to buy, the bananas here are hard. . . .

40. A guy in the same dormitory who was very pretty and had numerous girlfriends asked him one night: "Why do you like women so much?"

"I have lacked maternal love since I was a child, and my parents always No longer around"

"What should you do if you lack fatherly love?"

This person said the regretful words of his life: "I have you"

Tang Seng words? Finished watching The Laughing Silk Man! !

1. Wukong! You bastard! It's a good thing that you don't have a mother or an uncle, otherwise I would see how my teacher would scold you! How many times have I told you that after the banshee catches me, wait for my signal and come to rescue you again! Stop smiling so playfully! Look at me, my master. Every time I am shocked by your sudden intrusion, I will become weak. If I do this a few more times, my master... I am afraid that I will never be able to save them again. What a tragedy! Wukong loves his disciple and swears by looking at his master's tears. He won't do it again, okay?

2. Guanyin Bodhisattva, please cancel the accounts of the black bear monster, green lion monster and yellow-browed old monster. We can’t afford to play anymore. Damn it. You sent us against Tang Seng and his disciples, but you raised their level so high, how can we fight? Especially Sun Wukong, with good equipment, high attribute points, and summoning skills. The most annoying thing is that physical attacks are invalid, fire-based attacks are immune, and magic-based attacks are immune... Let alone us alone, we can't beat him as a team! No more talking, it’s 88.

3. Bajie! You idiot! We've traveled ten miles, and you can't change your song! Keep singing "Seeking Buddha", look at how it makes Master cry!

4. Amitabha, monks do not lie. Female benefactor, you are indeed the most beautiful and sexy woman that the poor monk has encountered since his journey to the east. Look at your hair, your jade hands, your skin, this feel...

5 . Donor, the poor monk came from the Eastern Tang Dynasty. Please stay here for one night... Huh? donor? Donor, please open the door, Donor? Hold!

6. Queen, I, Tripitaka, have arrived at the Kingdom of Lions and Camels. I miss you and kiss you. Don't reply to text messages. It's inconvenient because my apprentice is here.

7. You monkey, you don’t respect your teachers. Why did you wear a leopard print apron to look sexy in front of that spider spirit? Why do you steal the limelight from being a teacher? Shut up! I don’t care if you have leopard print or tiger skin! Do you still know who you are? You are a person who has been released from prison, how can you pretend to be stupid in front of me? You see, you dye your hair yellow and carry a steel pipe, pretending to be young and Dangerous? Damn it... Haha, Amitabha, you are so good, your teacher is a little out of sorts.

8. Wukong, let Bajie go into the water to catch the carp spirit. You are not good at water. If you drown, how can you afford the salvage fee? Oh, no, no, Bajie is fine, he will float on his own.

9. Bajie, Wukong is not here, go and make some fast food. Wu Jing, go drink the horse first. ... Bajie, Bajie, come here. remember! Let's go to the house we passed by just now. Yes, it's the house where a village woman and a child live. As soon as we passed by, we could smell the fragrance. She was making soy pork elbows. It was so delicious! Go ahead, it’s just a mother and son, if you don’t give it, take it! Go and come back quickly!

10. Brother Monkey, did you propose to Fairy Zixia with this ring? You are so funny! You don’t even have half a carat diamond, no one else would be interested in you! Chang'e was so embarrassed at me and said: Don't tell me whether you love me or not, first look at how big the diamond ring is! Alas, fairies nowadays are so realistic. I'm telling you, this fairy daughter, if you try to beat her to death with a diamond brick, she won't even cry out for help!

11. Haha, the market here is really lively. I haven’t passed through such a busy area for a long time. Hey Wukong, look at those little kids from the Western Region who have been following us since just now. They have curly hair and big eyes, and they are so well-behaved! It's so simple and cute, hahaha... Huh? Bajie, where is your rake? Hey Wujing, where is our luggage? ah! Where is my white dragon horse? !

12. Wukong, Bajie, and Wujing came to the teacher. Sigh... I am definitely not blaming my teacher, but have you all forgotten my teachings? You, my master and my disciples are all members of the Buddhist sect, and we have many taboos and precepts. You should always keep this in mind: don’t steal, don’t lie, don’t speak harshly, don’t be greedy, don’t be angry, and don’t be delusional! Since your heart is devoted to Buddha, if you don't cultivate yourself, how can you achieve true enlightenment? Okay, I’m here to ask you, who the hell is that? Last night, while I was sleeping, you secretly logged in and stole my food? !

13. Look, Junior Brother Sha, if you just catch a cockroach spirit, Brother Monkey will invite all the gods in the sky? Seriously, have you ever seen this monkey catch a goblin on his own so many times? Every time, he screams at the goblin: "Don't leave! Don't leave if you have the guts! I'll blow the whistle and call for people to chop you to death!" Hey, he has so many magical powers! Hey, look at how many gods have come to the sky. There are also a few people riding brooms. Wow, all the sanitation personnel from heaven have been called here.

14. "Wukong! Don't be rude! Oh, old man, the poor monk came from the Eastern Tang Dynasty. He passed by here today. I wonder if the old man can open the door for convenience...Old man, please stop insulting me. The poor monk apologizes for the big disciple... ...Old man, please don't hit me with your stick...Old man, please calm down...Old man, can you try to touch me again?...Oh my god? Wukong! Go ahead, you guys, too! Knock out the eyes, blind the legs and get a discount! ”

15. Wukong bastard! Don't make a move! Those donors are not monsters, so how can you refuse to change despite repeated admonitions and kill animals at will? ! ……oh? Are they businesses that buy land and build buildings? Amitabha——Wu Jing, help me get the Five Buddha Crowns; Wukong, lend me the golden cudgel! No, Bajie, give me your rake! Damn you...

16. Master——, I’m back! Being told right by this idiot Bajie, Junior Brother Sha was indeed so bored! Ya didn't go to beg for alms, but went to an Internet cafe. He was posting on the forum when I turned into a flying insect and snuck in! What about "Rugged handsome guy travels to Chi country, huge PP, please smash lightly"...

17. Ahaha! The eminent monk of the Tang Dynasty was polite and courteous! I am the county magistrate of this county, and these twenty-five colleagues are the deputy magistrates of this county. Oh, and those more than a hundred people outside are all assistants to the county magistrate. In exchange for customs clearance documents, isn't it urgent? First, please invite eminent monks from the Tang Dynasty and four eminent disciples to accompany me to the Yingge Garden above the county government office for some entertainment. Of course! There are all of them, they are all the great ladies of yesterday.

Safety! Absolutely safe! It was opened by my uncle and brother...

18. MSN signature of the King of the Daughter Kingdom: The elder’s surname is Tang, which is so sweet and sad.

19. Tang Monk: Amitabha, Wukong, don’t blame me anymore. Monks are compassionate. My teacher just saw that the donor was in great pain, so he asked Wu Jing to help him ride on the horse. Why? How does the teacher know that he is the bait used by the local government to catch fish and enforce the law? Okay, let's quickly use the invisibility method to get the purple gold alms bowl and the teacher's cassock back from the Yamen.

20. Wukong, are you okay! Wake up! Bajie Wujing, don’t run away! Come back and save me as a teacher! Ah... stop fighting, stop fighting! ...The poor monk really went to the West to obtain the true scriptures... He just came to the Yamen here to exchange for customs clearance documents! Right! That one is a customs clearance document, not a report letter... Those are my apprentices! We really are not here to petition collectively...ah!

21. Wukong, bring me the purple gold alms bowl and chopsticks. Wujing, go to the kitchen and see if Bajie is cooked.

22. Master, just get on the horse. How can you maintain your figure by just taking these two steps? Monk, why are you pretending to be an idol? Look, you asked Brother Monkey to pick wild fruits again. Can you improve the food? My existence has fully demonstrated that vegetarianism cannot reduce weight.

23. Dear friends, if you love me, please love me deeply. At this moment, I burst into tears. Although I have said to myself more than once: "Jade Rabbit, you must be happy!" However, he is a man like the wind, which shattered my elegant dignity and made me as lonely as a firework... Can you stay? Elder Tang, will there be a female demon in the West who will love you for me?

24. Wu Jing, look at you, instead of drinking the horse, you are taking selfies with your mobile phone. My teacher once said that if you have a big face, a broad mouth, and a lush beard, you will never look cute no matter how much you pout. Come, take some pictures for me, and I will teach you some scissor hand styles.

25. Bajie, your senior brother has been driven back to Huaguoshan by me, but you are so embarrassed to take on such a heavy responsibility! You still haven’t changed your bad habit of being a leader in Heaven before being Shuanggui! My master asked you to go into the cave to find out the details of the female goblin, but you came back with a bellyband! You scoundrel! If I had known that I was such a teacher, I should have changed your nickname to Jiujie! ...Show it to my teacher. Is it original?