If the bowl falls, there will be a big scar

2. At a literary evening, the host came on stage to announce: Please enjoy: Xinjiang song and dance, lift your skull! Creepy! ! ! ! !

3. If a tiger does not send a cat, you think I am critically ill!

4. When I was in high school, the classroom discipline was chaotic. The teacher grabbed XXX in anger and said: XXX, stand on the wall! ~~The whole class is freezing!

5. Once I was driving, and the female colleague sitting next to me suddenly asked: "Why are you driving without a condom?"

6. Me: That's our physics teacher. . .

Classmate: What do you teach?

Me: Chemistry. . .

7. In the Internet cafe, a classmate suddenly raised his hand and shouted: "Teacher!"

8. A person in our dormitory drank too much and wanted to pee, and then said something cold Words: If you drink too much urine, you will have too much alcohol.

9. To buy oranges, the boss said: one dollar and five pounds. Me: It’s too expensive. It costs five yuan for three pounds. Boss: No, no.

10. My friend asked me about the computer configuration, and I said the monitor has a color screen. (Originally I wanted to talk about LCD)

11. Junior high school art party, Q&A session.

Female host: "Everyone, be careful, don't rush too fast. Wait until I finish speaking and start raising your hands."

Then she started to read the topic and said, "Open now... ”

At this time, a contestant jumped in to answer.

The host said, "This classmate is a little too anxious. My 'shi' (shit) is still in my mouth, why did you snatch it away?"

12. Listen to a MM shouted in the cafeteria, "Give me a bowl of viper~!"

13. When I was in school

One day a classmate called me and handed it to me and said: "Your mother* *."

I answered the phone and said casually: "Male or female"

Everyone laughed and I was laughed at for 4 years

14 , a high school classmate of my classmate (a boy) walked into the noodle shop and shook his hair coolly: "Boss, 2 liang of green onions don't want rice noodles!" After that, he added: "Please order more rice noodles!" Boss: "...You Do you want rice noodles or green onions?

15. One time, the mother of a classmate in the dormitory called me

I am used to saying "he is not here", but this time I want to say

The result is: "He is... gone"

16. gg handed me a piece of ice cream, I took a bite and shouted: " It burned me to death!"

17. When I went to Li Ning to buy shoes, my sister said, "Miss, how much do these shoes cost per pound?"

18. Once I patted the belly of my dormitory classmate, and she said loudly: "Don't pat, there is pee in my stomach."

19. In high school, everyone was given a name badge. . Before a check-up, the head teacher ran to the classroom and shouted loudly, everyone, please put on your bras quickly and come for a check-up. . The whole place was silent. . .

20. When I was in school, I went home on the weekend. I got addicted to cigarettes after dinner, so I planned to take an excuse to go for a walk. When I was changing my shoes at the door, my dad asked me why I was going there. I casually said: "Go and smoke!" As a result, my father found a pack of 555 from me and beat me severely.

21. Once the leaders of the Education Bureau inspected recess exercises. After the end, the physical education teacher was supposed to announce the "disbandment", but in a moment of urgency, he forgot the words, held it in for a long time, and shouted: "Retreat!"

22. There was a teacher in high school whose surname was Jiang, who looked exactly like Luo Jiaying (who played Tang Monk in Journey to the West). I went to ask him a question and blurted out: "Teacher Tang, this question..."

23 , I have a colleague. One day I was driving on the road and my tire was flat. I asked where I could get inflated tires. My colleague said, "There are abortionists everywhere on the street!"

24. There was a teacher who stayed up all night playing mahjong. Seeing that the blackboard was not wiped, he was furious: "Who is playing banker today? The blackboard is not wiped!"

25. Once my uncle saw my sister-in-law applying Dabao and suddenly shouted: "You have such skin Okay, why don’t you use Hushubao? ”

26. The teacher left me homework, so I copied it from someone else’s. Then I went to the office to hand in my homework, and when I saw the teacher, I said, “I’ve finished copying it!” /p>

27. Once, we went to Huangshan for a trip, and the tour guide happened to introduce: The Hundred-step Ladder was Liu Xiaoqing's "Little Flower" attraction back then. Suddenly a man in our group blurted out: "Director..." Everyone was stunned.

28. That time some female classmates came to my house to play. I went to get water. They turned on the DVD player to watch a movie. I heard it in the back room and it was in Cantonese. Then I shouted to turn down the sound. The sound was wrong and I was speechless. My face turned purple~~I almost fainted~~

29. In high school, I went home with my girlfriend after school, and I saw a person at the school gate. The guy selling barbecue said he wanted to eat beef offal, because there were many people in front of the grill, and I was afraid that the boss wouldn't hear, so I shouted loudly: "Boss, five skewers of beef whip" and then there was silence, and three seconds later everyone joined in Laughing violently. Very embarrassing. . . The most embarrassing thing was when MM asked me "What is a bullwhip?" I had to answer MM very, very quietly: "A bullwhip is the tail of an ox." .

30. I had an argument with my mm on the phone, and she turned up the TV volume very loudly. I was upset, so I said loudly: "Turn off the phone!" Now that I think about it, that's so cold. !

31. I went to have breakfast with my classmates in the morning. One of them only ate the filling of the buns, and the other only ate the skin. When we were talking about the waste of the two of them, the classmate who ate the stuffing said, "Okay, you can eat my foreskin from now on." All the porridge drinkers present sprayed out.

32. To tell the truth, on the factory bus at work, MM asked me: My computer is not working and it keeps dying. I said: Then go back and check for viruses, and remember to upgrade your anti-virus software. MM: Oh. Early the next morning, I saw MM again in the car, and I casually asked: Have you checked? how? Then. . . . . . . . . MM said loudly: I was so angry that after checking for a long time, I was told that there was no syphilis. What do you think we should do? It was so cold at that time. . . . I still remember it now

33. A high school classmate of my dormitory classmate called. He asked who he was looking for, but I said he wasn’t here, and then said thank you

34. Someone else came before. I'm a guest at my aunt's house and I just walked in. It happened that my aunt had to go to the toilet. She quickly greeted the guests and said: "You guys sit down, sit down, I'll go to the toilet and pour you some tea!"

35. We used to have a political economics teacher who really liked to talk! One time we talked about the strength of the U.S. dollar. He said this, "Do you know why only the U.S. dollar is called 'US dollar', but you have never heard of it being called 'British gold' or 'French gold'?"

37. A female classmate and her cousin invited me to dinner and asked me to eat more during the meal. I don’t know how I made the following mistake: "Thank you, I have no sexual desire recently. , you guys should eat more!" Everyone was excited at that time. .

38. Our company has a bus to pick up and drop off work in the morning. Because the bus is not big, once, after getting on the bus, there was no seat.

A male colleague sitting next to me was busy standing. I got up, greeted her enthusiastically and said: "So-and-so, sit on my butt!" I laughed wildly until I got off the car~!

39. I used to be obsessed with online games and would often kill people secretly in Internet cafes. After the semester ended, I went home with a group of buddies. The train was about to leave, but we hadn’t found the platform yet. He said in a hurry: "MD, why are there no coordinates here (in fact, you need to look for a sign)!~" After hearing this, my buddy burst into laughter~~

40. When I lived on campus, I had bunk beds. Once mobile phone A needs to be charged. But there is only one socket for each bed, and it cannot be charged when the lamp is plugged in for reading. So, A plugged the charger into B. B wanted to listen to music at night and saw A's charger and yelled: "Hey, why are you always plugging me in? Why don't you plug it in your bottom?" After that, there was a commotion, sweat~~

41. When I was in college, a classmate was arguing with me. I was at a disadvantage for a moment. In desperation, he slammed the table and stood up and shouted: You are talking nonsense, I am not stupid!

42. A buddy of mine went on a blind date. When he came back, everyone asked him how he was. The buddy said: This girl is really rough. At lunch time, two people entered a beef ramen restaurant. The girl said loudly to the chef: Hey, give me 2 bowls of ramen~~~ The chef said: Do you want to eat? I poop when I eat.

43. When I was a kid, people selling popsicles and ice cream would usually push bicycles to sell them. Once, I heard an aunt shouting in the house: The new ice cream is hot. (I guess my aunt used to sell fried cakes and fried dough sticks)

44. My roommate boiled water with a hot pot. After the water boiled, he read a book leisurely and didn’t move. He couldn’t stand it any longer, so he said: "Is it time to pull it out? You screamed so loudly..." No response. Fifteen seconds later, he added: "It's very hot in there. It's easy to break the plug if you leave it plugged in like this..." No movement. After half a minute, the water boiled completely and splashed. "Then what, I ejaculated. A lot of things were squirted out, and the screams were getting louder and louder. I'm afraid I might break it if I insert it again... Are you sure you don't want to pull it out?" . . A thick book flew towards my head!!!~

45. When we were in the third year of high school, our class teacher taught mathematics... When he reviewed it for us, every time we drew pictures, we drew rays. When I~~ I said loudly~~`My classmates are watching~~I’m cumming

46. When I was in college, I went to Hengshan to play. I was half way up the mountain and I was so tired that I wanted to take a rest. When I saw an Obasan buying souvenirs on the roadside, I went up and asked: "My wife..."

47. When I was studying in self-study, everyone was watching the review. GG said to MM: "I just memorized the words, please help me write them silently." MM didn't want to be silent, so GG begged her, please (touch) silence me, (touch) me! ! As a result, MM couldn't stand it anymore and shouted, "Teacher, look, I don't want to (touch) him, but he insists on me (touching) him~~~!" ! !

48. One day I went to a classmate’s house for dinner and drank some wine. Her father suddenly came in. He originally wanted to call her uncle, but he made the mistake of saying, “Dad, come sit down!”~~ cold! Most of my classmates were laughing so hard

49. When my colleague was arguing with someone, he got anxious and said, "Do you think I grew up eating?" I have always wondered what he grew up eating. "