One day I had an urgent need to urinate, so I ran into the luxurious bathroom of a hotel. I walked into the urinal and took a look. There were big words on it, "Don't wear it out!" I chuckled in my heart. I am a quality person and have slept in five-star hotels. What kind of scene have I not seen? When the work is done, it automatically senses and sprays water automatically, with a large amount of water! After getting wet, I suddenly realized: "Fuck, putting a comma will kill you!"

4. I went to the ATM to deposit money at noon. When I was queuing, the beautiful woman behind me asked me: "Is this a deposit?" "Yeah. "I just want to withdraw money. Since you want to save it, why not give it to me so that we don't have to wait in line." I thought it made sense, so I gave her the money.

5. Don’t be a racist, be like Uncle Mario - he is Italian, but made in Japan, speaks English, can run like a Jamaican, can jump higher than a black man, and can Like the Jews, they love to collect gold coins...

1. The turtle was bathing in the river and the toad saw it.

Turtle: Have you never seen a beauty like me? Your eyes are about to pop out.

Toad: Sister, please stop teasing me. Didn’t you see that I have goosebumps on my body?

2. Huang Ying saw the weasel looking for food and said: "You are a thief who has been sneaking around all day long. You have brought shame on the old Huang family."

As soon as she finished speaking , the oriole was shot down, and the weasel scolded: "Silly X, you don't know that we are cracking down on pornography now!"

3. Dragonfly made a girlfriend "Cicada". Mother Dragonfly asked worriedly: What kind of job does she have?

Dragonfly: That’s a singer!

Dragonfly Mom: Singer? I used to be a tunnel digger!

4. An ant quarreled with a crow on the tree!

Ant: If you have the guts, come down here!

Crow: If you have the guts, then come down. Come up here!

Ant: Okay! Just wait for me, I’ll see you soon!

Crow: What do you want?

Ant: I’ll do it right away Go and ask all my brothers to shake you down and throw you to death!

5. Two dung beetles discussed the welfare lottery. The dung beetle said: If I want to win the jackpot, I will use all the toilets within a 50-mile radius. Buy it and eat enough every day!

Shit Beetle B: You are so vulgar! If I win the jackpot, I will take care of a living person and eat fresh food every day!

6. The male butterfly sang to the female butterfly: "You are my lover, a woman like a rose!" After singing, he flew to pick roses.

There was a scream, and the female butterfly sang: "My dear, fly slowly, be careful of the roses with thorns in front of you!"

7. A pair of ducks came to the river While playing, I saw a couple of frogs hibernating in caves on the river bank. Duck: Look, how happy. Female duck to male duck: Don't look at it, he is the big boss, he lives in a villa and spends his honeymoon, we should never think about it in this life!

8. On the first day, the little white rabbit went fishing by the river. He caught nothing and went home.

The next day, the little white rabbit went fishing by the river again, but still didn’t catch anything and went home.

On the third day, as soon as the little white rabbit arrived at the river, a big fish jumped out of the river and shouted at the little white rabbit:

What the hell if you dare to use a carrot again? If you use it as bait, I will crush you to death!

(1) A village chief came home after drinking too much and entered the pig pen by mistake. He lay down next to the sow and said: Wife: Pour me a glass of water. The sow snorted and the village chief said, "No." If you don't fall down, why are you being coquettish? I touched it casually and said: I am buying a leather jacket, or a double-breasted one.

(2) The old couple went to take pictures, and the photographer asked: "Do you want metering, backlighting, or full light?" The uncle said shyly: "I don't care, can I leave it for your aunt?" A pair of underpants?”

(3) One day, a barber beat up a candied haws seller. When he went to the police station, the police asked the barber: Why did you beat the candied haws seller? The barber said: ***, I was perming my hair in the house, and he yelled "I'm perming it" outside.

(4) A man went to the toilet with constipation, and suddenly he saw a person rushing in, and it was stormy and rainy all of a sudden. Jiaojia said, "Brother, I really envy you for being so fast.

"What are you envious of? I haven't even had time to take off my pants yet!" ”

(5) When a foreigner was traveling in Laiwu, he met an old lady playing with a cat. He came up and asked: What are you doing? The old lady replied: Ancient cat nuns! The foreigner was shocked, even the old man can speak foreign languages! Give a gift The old lady thought it was dried sweet potato and said: I have it in Laiwu!

(6) The butterfly said to the bee: You are so stingy, pretending to be sweet but reluctant to give it. Me, the bee said: Humph! Why don’t you send me a text message with two antennas on your head?

(7) {Come with me} A dung beetle is in love with a mosquito. : "What's your profession? Mosquito: "Nurse, the one who gives the injection, how about you?" The dung beetle laughed and said, "It's fate, my colleagues. I am a Chinese medicine practitioner." ”

(8) Husband: What time is it now? Wife: Ten o’clock, Husband: Is it sharp? Wife: It’s too early, no one else is sleeping! I asked, is it ten o’clock? Wife: It should be around eleven o'clock.

(9) The young couple had a fight and threw a pillow downstairs. A beggar happened to be passing by. He was very happy, and then flew off a quilt. The beggar was ecstatic and wiped it. I cried upstairs: Brother upstairs, please throw that woman down too.

(10) Wife: Do you want to do some activities tonight? Husband: I’ve been thinking about it for a long time, wife. : Then don’t say you are tired after get off work, say you have no energy at night, and you can’t fool me. Husband: It’s necessary. Wife: Then wash all the clothes I changed in the evening.

(11) A young woman. I was taking out the garbage and accidentally slipped and fell into the garbage. Just as I was about to get up, I was hugged by an old man who was picking up rags. The old man said with emotion: People in the city just don't know how to live. If such a good wife says she doesn't want it, she won't.

(12) A person's big toe suddenly turned blue. The miracle doctor diagnosed it as cancer, so he removed it. Within a few days, the second toe also turned blue. After the removal, three days later, the entire sole of the foot turned blue and had to be enlarged. At the hospital, the final expert diagnosis was that the socks had faded.

A farmer drove a donkey into the city. The donkey ran a red light and was fined 10 yuan. The old farmer drank from the donkey and said: "You think you are a military vehicle!" Dare to run through red lights. "After walking a few steps, the donkey knocked over another fruit stall and paid 200 yuan in compensation. The old farmer was even more angry: "Do you think you are the industrial and commercial city management? You can knock down anyone's stall you want. "The old farmer led his donkey home and passed by a green grassland. The donkey gnawed the grass and was fined 30 yuan. The old farmer was very angry and cursed: "Do you think you are an inspection team going to the countryside? You can eat wherever you go!" The old farmer cursed After that, he took the donkey to the river to drink water, but the donkey became stubborn and refused to drink. The old farmer got angry and said, "You think you are a rich man, and you won't drink without a lady." "The donkey turned around and ran away. There was a fishing net hanging on the shore. The donkey broke it when it got on it. The fisherman claimed 500 yuan for compensation. The old farmer said with tears in his eyes, "Do you think this is China Telecom? It costs so much money to access the Internet. "The donkey turned around and kicked the old farmer. The old farmer reluctantly cursed: "Do you think you are the leader of the group? You can kick whoever you want." "The donkey was so angry that he stopped paying attention to the old farmer and became very silent.

The old farmer said: "You think this is in the QQ group, you can stay silent all day!

2. The boss called the secretary: I will accompany you to Beijing for fun in the next few days, please prepare

The secretary called her husband: I am going to Beijing with my boss for a meeting these days

The husband called his lover: My wife is not at home these days, please stay with me

The lover called the tutoring student: The teacher is busy these days and classes are suspended

The student called Grandpa: There are no classes these days. Grandpa, please play with me

Grandpa called the secretary Phone call: I can’t go to Beijing, and my grandson wants me to accompany him

The secretary called her husband: The boss suddenly had something to do and he will not go to Beijing for a meeting

The husband called his lover: My wife won’t leave. , I’ll talk about it next time

The lover called the tutoring student: Classes will continue as usual these days!!!

The student called grandpa: Teacher 555 said classes will continue as usual these days

Grandpa called the secretary: Let’s go to Beijing, you are ready

3. A beggar knocked on the car window and said: Give me some money.

Mr. Next, he said: Let me smoke a cigarette.

The beggar said: I don’t smoke. Give me some money.

The gentleman said: I have beer in the car, let me drink a bottle. Bar.

The beggar said: I don’t drink. Give me some money.

The gentleman said: Well, I will take you to the mahjong parlor, I will pay you, and you will win. It's yours.

The beggar said: I don't want to gamble, give me some money.

The gentleman said: I will take you to the sauna to enjoy the "one-stop service", and I will pay for it. Bao.

The beggar said: I don’t go to prostitutes. Give me some money.

The gentleman said: Then you can get in the car and I will take you back and let my wife see: there is no one. What kind of good man can he be who doesn’t smoke, drink, gamble, or visit prostitutes?

4. Mr. Zhang, who graduated from the police academy, has been married for two years, but he always feels something strange about his wife and suspects that she is having an affair. On the same day, Mr. Zhang always found a text message from a stranger on his wife’s mobile phone, and the content of each text message was the same: “Brother Zhao asked you to do something for me. "!

At eleven o'clock in the evening, Mr. Zhang captured his cheating wife and the man who was having an affair in one fell swoop.

Mr. Zhang cursed: You underestimate me, do you think that? I don’t understand the text message? Reading it backwards, it means “I will help you take off your bra at half past ten

5. During the Dragon Boat Festival, the turtle wants to eat rice dumplings, so let the snail go buy rice dumplings. After 2 hours, the snail still hadn't come back. The turtle cursed angrily: If you don't come back, I'll starve to death! At this time, the snail's voice came from outside the door: Don't you fucking say I won't go!

One day, the cow posed a problem to the donkey, asking which of the two bugs under the word "Stupid" was male and which was female. The donkey racked his brains, but still couldn't answer. The cow scolded: What a stupid ass, men are on the left and women are on the right!

2. Seven years after graduation, I finally took on a big project, building a 30-meter chimney. The construction period was two months and the cost was 300,000 yuan, but it required an advance payment. It was finally completed at the end of last year. Today I went to inspect it, but I was scolded to death and didn't get any money. Damn it! The drawings are wrong, they want to dig a well!

3. A drunk man accidentally fell from the third floor, attracting passers-by to watch. A policeman came over and asked: What happened? Drunk Man: I don’t know. I just arrived.

4. The doctor asked the patient how he broke the bone. The patient said, "I felt there was sand in my shoes, so I shook my shoes by holding on to the telephone pole." Damn, there was a bastard passing by, thinking I was electrocuted, so he picked up a wooden stick and gave me two sticks!

5. One day, the turtle father, turtle mother and turtle son family decided to go for an outing. After buying a Shandong pancake and two cans of seafood chicken, we set off for Yangmingshan. After ten years of hard work, it’s finally here! They sat on the ground, took off their equipment and prepared to eat. As a result, I discovered that I didn’t bring a can opener!

Turtle Son: “...Then I’ll go back and get it.

"

Turtle dad: "Good boy! Hurry! Mom and dad are waiting for you to come back and have dinner together. Go and come back quickly!"

Turtle son: "You must wait for me to come back! Don't break your promise Oh!"

So Turtle Son set out on his way home...

Time flies, and 20 years have passed in the blink of an eye, but Turtle Son has not yet appeared.

Turtle mother: "Honey... do you want to start dinner? I'm so hungry..."

Turtle dad: "No! We promised our son! Well...wait for him Five years later, if he doesn’t come, I’ll leave him alone!”

Five years have passed and there is still no sign of the turtle son. Turtle’s parents don’t care anymore! The two elders decided to start.

Took out the big cake and was about to eat it...

Suddenly, Turtle Son poked his head out from behind the tree...

Turtle Son: "Damn! I knew you would steal it! You lied to me to go back and get the can opener? I waited for twenty-five years and finally got it! I hate it the most!