I (female 33) am a person with a deep evil. My personality has been different from ordinary people since I was a child. I am hollow, sensitive and extreme, and I feel pain without enthusiasm for real life. I always escape from reality and look for happiness. I've done a lot of things that I can't tell others. Now, before what goes around comes around, I deeply realized past lives, what goes around comes around. I want to tell my experience and send a confession. I hope that people who are destined to read can take warning, cherish the people around them and cherish themselves.
From the time I can remember when I was very young, I would have an unprovoked desire to be excited about some people and things, such as watching women give birth on TV, or dancing aerobics and sweating, etc. At that time, I didn't know what the reason was, but I just craved this feeling.
I have had symptoms similar to ADHD since I was a child. I can't concentrate on anything I don't want to do.
When I was a child, my mother bought a piano to calm me down, but my mind was not on playing the piano. What I wanted was how to play it quickly. I would secretly adjust the time of my alarm clock and peek at TV. I do what makes me happy regardless of the consequences, and escape from reality < P >, and whenever I want to do something seriously, there will be another self against myself in my mind.
I have obvious likes and dislikes. I only get along with people who want to get along.
I am extremely afraid of loneliness and insecurity in my heart.
(I rejected my father from the bottom of my heart for unknown reasons from birth, and for a long time afterwards, I hated people who gave me similar feelings, even at first glance, and I hated being touched, especially men. My father died when I was two years old.) When I was young, it was my happiest time to go to my grandmother's house to play with my neighbors' partners. < P > After I went to primary school, I learned how to release my desires. I would sit with my hands in my crotch and hold them with my legs, and my body exerted its strength to stimulate my lower body to find pleasure. (I have suffered from urinary tract infections several times.
It was also from primary school that I began to steal. I began to take money from my family, school and neighbors to meet my own needs, and also used it to please my partners and let them play with me. I often played the role of a clown to make them happy. At the same time, when they play with other people, they will be very jealous and even lose their temper. < P > After I entered junior high school, my zw became frequent, and I began to read novels and comics, and I forced myself to go deep into fantasy pictures to release myself. Because of the long process, I often hold my urine for such behavior, which led me to hold my urine and press my bladder for pleasure.
I didn't stop stealing in junior high school (I didn't stop it outside until I graduated from junior high school). When I was in junior high school, I was taken to an Internet cafe by my partner, and I always secretly went to the Internet cafe. At the same time, I realized that my partner didn't really treat me, and my personality became withdrawn and I began to indulge in surfing the Internet. .
At the same time, I am often criticized and accused, but I am rebellious in my heart. I always feel that others are the world, not myself.
Later, due to poor grades, I reluctantly went to a technical secondary school after graduating from junior high school. In the same year, I clamored to buy a computer at home and stayed at home every day to surf the Internet to make up money for playing games and online dating. At an immature age, I thought I knew love, indulged in online dating, lived in unrealistic fantasies, looked for superiority in games, hardly went to school, and turned upside down day and night.
I started my sophomore year in idolize, forcing my family to ask for money, chasing idols everywhere, and I was proud of it. For the sake of idolize, I clamored for a mobile phone at home. At that time, my grandfather was very ill, and the only money in my passbook was used to buy me a mobile phone. My mother advised me to think twice. I imagined all kinds of benefits that a mobile phone could bring me, and I chose to satisfy myself without conscience. (I want to warn you as an experienced person that no matter how good your idol is, don't blindly idolize, because you will have a cool head one day, and then you will find that you have wasted time, money and feelings, and he won't give you any substantial help in life, and you will feel extremely stupid when you are at the end of the road.)
Later, because I was fat with laughter and was exposed to diet pills, I started taking diet pills for ten years. As soon as I eat, I pull out my throat and induce vomiting. I often don't sleep for three or five days and have chicken skin on my legs. I keep squeezing acne on my legs and my legs are covered with bruises. I have a skin disease and eczema. Since then, I have become allergic.
at the same time, I learned to smoke. My body is not suitable for smoking, and I often get dizzy. I always ignore the true feelings of my body. Do whatever you want.
After graduating from technical secondary school, I didn't want to work hard and be responsible for my future. I went to other places several times to meet my online lovers, fell in love with unrealistic and naive ideas, spent my family's money to rent a house in other places, and lacked social experience and cherish myself, so I easily delivered my first time. Every love gives unconditionally, but they all break up because they are not satisfied with the status quo. Until the second half of 21, due to the pressure of real life. I went back to Shanghai and got a job to muddle along. During this period, I was pursued by a boy and had a love affair. But after the relationship, I learned that the other party found me because of breaking up with my girlfriend, but I was deeply involved and was once regarded as a sexual object.
Later, I was still obsessed with the Internet and unrealistic fantasies. I didn't find a proper job and didn't know how to plan the future. Until 214, I found a job as a telephone customer service through the street. The work intensity is high, the salary is low and the requirements are high. At the same time, because of taking diet pills for a long time, my mind has been affected, and my reaction is slow, my memory is poor and my physical fitness is poor, which seriously affects my work. My business ability is poor, and it takes a lot of energy to pass every assessment. Often late.
people often point fingers at you for being rude and unsociable.
These are closely related to my incorrect social experience and the side effects of diet pills. At that time, I didn't realize that these experiences had caused shadows and trauma to my heart. And I have always been obsessed with the internet and the fantasy world to avoid problems.
At the same time, I got to know my husband in this unit. At that time, because I had daily conflicts with my mother, I chose to get married after only a few months of contact with him. My husband divorced, we didn't hold a wedding, and the parents of both sides didn't meet, so I lived in his house.
After getting married, many contradictions began to appear. I found that I didn't really like him. I was not satisfied with the status quo. I continued to participate in the online world, playing online dating and killing my work. I left my job at home in 216.
in the same year, I met a boy in the game, and I like him very much. But he often only talks to me about something indecent. He tells me about his work and his free time. I subconsciously realized the other person's purpose and some strange places, but chose to deceive myself.
Later I learned that he had a family and children. He told me that the child was in poor health and needed to be taken care of, so he had no time to accompany me. You can't give me the company I want, you can only make an appointment. In fact, now that I think about my three views, my ideas are unrealistic, so where do I have the capital for others to appreciate and like? But my idea was naive at that time, and I said I was willing to wait for him. (We have known each other for several years, and we only met several times. Every time we checked in)
It was also that year that I learned to use the tool zw. My zw became more and more frequent, and I was influenced by this boy. My desire for sex became stronger and stronger. I almost took zw as a pastime when I was bored, because my bladder would habitually spasm when I masturbated in the incorrect zw way, and I often held my urine for masturbation and pressed my bladder for pleasure. (When my bladder is sore, the symptoms of irritation will be relieved, which will prolong the time for me to hold my urine, but I don't know that my bladder is sore and frequent urination is getting worse.)
We are not on the same channel, so it is difficult to talk together. In order to keep in touch, I often take some photos that he likes, and I am afraid that he will not return messages all day, and I am afraid to read WeChat. Because I was cheated by him many times, I didn't have the courage to trust him. I was always worried that he would find someone else to be abandoned without knowing it. I often quarreled with him. He often used intimidation to solve the problem until 219, when he always blacked me out because of my mistakes. I spent a year in extreme pain. I found that no one had a hard time with me, but I never let myself go.
In those years, I didn't have a job, and I always used loans and credit cards to maintain my life. The debts were paid at home. I began to realize what I was doing, what kind of existence I was in real life, and what kind of trouble I brought to people around me. I've had a miserable life these years. Blindly please self-deception, when the other child has almost reached the age of primary school, I realized that I lost my good years and youth. It also brings pain and trouble to people around you.
In recent years, smoking and taking diet pills have made my health worse and worse. I like singing, but my vocal cords have been damaged because of excessive smoking. Because of my poor health, I have a sense of dying several times. The most serious time I fell on the street, I just couldn't breathe, and my limbs were numb and stiff. I began to worry about my health. I stopped diet pills and quit smoking.
in the second half of 22, I began to look for a job again. I found that I was out of touch with the society, with no academic qualifications and poor physical fitness. It was also during this period that I met another boy, who had a family and children and was eloquent. Through understanding, I learned that the other person had a very rich past experience, and now his married sex life is not harmonious. I had sex with him twice in a half-bluff situation. He said that he was my companion, and I believed him. At the same time, I started smoking again under the guidance of the other party, and I wanted to lose weight and began to take diet pills. But in hindsight, I realized that the other party just said it casually for the purpose.
at this point, I really realized my stupidity. I am no longer in daydreaming, and I begin to yearn for a healthy and happy life for normal people. But I can't, and I realize that I have very serious anxiety and personality defects. The abnormal way of thinking has always escaped from reality. I don't know how to take care of myself, and I don't know what to do. I envy other people's lives and have no enthusiasm for my own.
at the same time, I found that my bladder felt pain when I pressed it. I began to realize the seriousness of the problem and this kind of behavior.
(In recent years, I have been addicted to romance novels, which can help me get rid of loneliness and paranoia. I am used to fantasizing about some adult plots and holding my urine and pressing my bladder to pursue excitement. I have always regarded the urine feeling caused by bladder acid as excitement, and I often urinate until I can't hold my urine.)
Because I am extremely insecure and afraid of loneliness, I want to plan to get pregnant. I have always been used to being carefree and willful, and I have hurt myself unscrupulously. Keep doing all kinds of tests.
The first thing I checked was gynecology. I found that my leucorrhea was abnormal and my lower body was itchy. I went to the hospital to check out cervicitis and high-risk hpv infection. The doctor asked me to have a TCT examination, and if there is any lesion, I need to have a hysteroscopy screening.
because of my high-risk behavior, I am in poor health, and I am extremely guilty and regretful. During that time, I was scared and hid in the quilt every day. Concerned about the inner suffering, I did a biopsy before the TCT report came out. That was the first time I had such a big examination. The inner fear is beyond words, and the temporary happiness is so insignificant in the face of fear. Then I found out rhinitis, hepatic hemangioma, twin uterus and Hashimoto's thyroiditis, because I was suffering from serious anxiety. Although the report of thyroid gland was normal for the time being, I was always worried that something was wrong with my thyroid gland. I kept pinching it with my hands, and the thyroid gland was inflamed. The left thyroid gland did not swell after inflammation, and it grew bigger and bigger with pain in the following months.
At the same time, my bladder function was abnormal. August 221. One night after I went to the toilet, I found that the acidity in my bladder and urethra had not eased. And in the next few days, the symptoms continued. I went to the hospital for examination and found nothing unusual. After taking anti-inflammatory drugs for a week, the doctor changed me to a functional drug for hyperactivity disorder. After trying for more than two months, I still have frequent urination. And the symptoms became more and more serious after stopping the drug. The bladder feels numb. Feeling out of thin air, abdominal muscles are stiff and unable to relax. Then there was oliguria, dysuria and dysuria. Found bladder inflammation. However, after taking the medicine, except for the normal indicators, my condition has hardly progressed.
at first, taking anti-inflammatory drugs can also relieve the pain, but it will be ineffective after a few days, and it will not be relieved after urination in severe cases.
The doctor prescribed anti-inflammatory drugs and functional drugs to me back and forth, but the symptoms have been repeated for months. And continue to decline. Every time I hold hope, every time I am disappointed and desperate. During the Chinese New Year, my symptoms suddenly got out of control, and my whole abdomen and bladder were numb, painful and itchy, which made me unable to lie down and sleep. < P > In mid-February, I was hospitalized for cystoscopy. Cystoscope required general anesthesia, but I was dizzy with anesthetic and vomited all night. After cystoscopy, my bladder and urethra were injured and bleeding, and I was afraid to urinate because of frequent urination and pain. None of the patients in the same ward have these symptoms.
The results of the examination showed no abnormality except the early aging. The doctor prescribed me medicine for depression. After taking the medicine, I became abnormal, nausea and anorexia. Nervous mind, unable to think, unable to sleep. I was so scared that I stopped taking medicine and went to see Chinese medicine. But the symptoms began to get worse after a period of relief.
Everything made me feel helpless and desperate. So far, I regret what I did in the past and want to warn the right person with my own experience.
We must care for and honor our elders. Our relatives are the sustenance of the older generation. Even if we can't understand it now, we must do so. Never wait until it is too late to be sensible to regret it for life.
second, don't hurt yourself. A healthy life is true happiness, don't indulge your desires. The consequences of evil spirits are terrible. Don't take diet pills, no diet pills can have a permanent effect, and the damage of diet pills is irreversible.
I converted to Buddhism at the age of 4. But I was disobedient since I was a child and got into trouble everywhere. My mother broke her heart for me. Take me to various places to pray for Buddha, I am always bad, and I always live with a lucky attitude. Now, before the results came out, I felt deep pain and despair. At first, I had to believe in cause and effect. I also deeply know how great my mother is. I don't want my mother to worry about me all her life in her later years. I repent all the sins I have committed in past lives, and apologize to all the sentient beings I have hurt. My ignorance has hurt you, and I am sorry. .
I am willing to turn over a new leaf and turn over a new leaf. I hereby make a wish that if I recover my health, I will be kind to others all my life, be kind to people around me and do my best to help those in need. And share my story with someone who is destined to lead people to the right path.
Pray for the blessing of Buddha and Bodhisattva to get rid of my demons. I also hope that my experience can help people who are still confused, wake up as soon as possible, and become a Buddha.
Next, I want to talk about the harm of diet pills alone. My brain is not as good as before, all because of it.