People can’t get along with each other just by being polite!

People are afraid of being famous and pigs are afraid of being strong, men are afraid of being poor and women are afraid of being fat.

People are not smart, so they still imitate other people's baldness

Life is just to be born and live

Asking you how much sorrow you can have is like a group of eunuchs Go to a brothel.

Although I believe in our oath of love, I may not believe in you

How can I lose weight if I don’t eat enough?

Don’t be lazy with me, I’m too lazy to compete with you .

I have not been in the world for a long time, but there is always my legacy in the world

Most beautiful women are similar, but ugly women are different.

Human life is like shitting. Sometimes you have worked very hard but all that comes out is just a fart.

Don’t ask me again: How have you been lately?

I want to fall in love early, but it’s too late.

I am a little short-sighted, but not lacking; I have a good temper, but not without it!

You are not afraid of gangsters, but you are afraid that gangsters are educated

If beauty is a letter of recommendation, then kindness is a credit card!

If someone doesn’t offend me, I won’t offend anyone; if someone offends me, I’ll be polite; if someone offends me again, I’ll give him a shot; if someone offends me again, I’ll eliminate the root cause

Against the wind, I'm more suitable for flying. I'm not afraid of being blocked by thousands of people, I'm just afraid of surrendering.

Others have backgrounds, but all I have is my back.

There is no rehearsal in life, every day is a live broadcast; not only the ratings are low, but the salary is not high.

Born, easy. Life is easy. Life is not easy

Life is like Song Zude’s mouth, you never know who will be unlucky next

A scholar pretends to be dead to be a confidant, and a woman gets plastic surgery to please herself.

I will miss you so much after you leave, why don’t you leave yet!

I would rather be proud and moldy than humble in love!

A woman's wardrobe is like a harem, with countless beauties and only a few to love.

There may be several women in the world who don’t eat, but there is not even one woman who is not jealous.

The tongue lasts longer than the teeth, and the software lasts longer than the hardware.

If beauty is a letter of recommendation, then kindness is a credit card

1. Flowers often do not belong to the people who appreciate them, but to cow dung.

2. Others have a background, but I only have a back view.

3. I will miss you very much after you leave. Why haven’t you left yet?

4. Most beautiful women are similar, but ugly women are different.

5. The gangsters are not scary, but the gangsters are educated

6. The direction of the headwind is more suitable for flying. I am not afraid of ten thousand people blocking me, I am only afraid of surrender

7. Marriage is like a maze, and the person who builds it has already lost his way first.

8. How can you lose weight if you don’t eat enough?

9. I didn’t intend to be different, but how could I have outstanding taste?

10. Protect yourself, love others, and please don’t come out in the middle of the night to scare people.

11. Apart from teeth, the most inextricable thing in the world is love.

12. Gold always shines, but when the ground is full of gold, I don’t know which one I am.

13. Traveling all over the brothel, people have never seen it. Elderly, please use Huiren Shenbao.

14. Oh my God! My clothes are slimming again.

15. There may be several women in the world who don’t eat, but there is not even one woman who is not jealous.

16. The tongue lasts longer than teeth, and software lasts longer than hardware.

17. People can’t get along with each other just by being polite!

18. People are afraid of being famous as pigs are afraid of being strong, men are afraid of being poor and women are afraid of being fat.

19. People are not smart, yet they imitate others’ baldness!

20. Life is all about being born and living.

21. Asking you how much sorrow you can have is like a group of eunuchs going to a brothel.

22. Although I believe in eachother, I may not believe in you.

23. Don’t compare yourself to me, I am too lazy to compare with you.

24. I have not been in the arena for a long time, but there are always legends about me in the arena

25. There is no rehearsal in life, every day is a live broadcast; not only the ratings are low, but the salary is not high.

26. Life is easy. Life is easy. Life is not easy

27. Life is like Song Zude’s mouth, you never know who will be unlucky next

28. A scholar pretends to be dead for a confidant, and a woman pretends to be dead for a confidant. Those who please themselves have plastic surgery.

29. I would rather be proud and moldy than humble in love!

30. A woman’s wardrobe is like a harem, with countless beauties but only a few to love.

31. Women often miss men; men often miss women.

32. Human life is like shit. Sometimes you have worked very hard but all that comes out is just a fart.

33. Don’t ask me again: How have you been lately?

34. I want to fall in love early, but it’s too late

35. I am a little short-sighted, but I am not lacking; I have a good temper, but it is not impossible!

36. If beauty is a letter of recommendation, then kindness is a credit card!

37. If someone doesn’t offend me, I won’t offend anyone; if someone offends me, I’ll be polite; if someone offends me again, I’ll give him a shot; if someone offends me again, I’ll root it out

38. Human life is like shit. Sometimes you have worked very hard but all that comes out is just a fart.

39. The longer I stay in contact with people, the more I like dogs. Dogs are always dogs, and sometimes people are not people!

40. Driving is easy, I’m afraid there are funny quotes from newcomers on the Internet

1. I grind my teeth while sleeping (I don’t know what my wife said), and one day my wife asked me, What did you dream about when you went to bed at night? I always gritted my teeth and replied: I dreamed of you, I dreamed of you, I dreamed of you, I dreamed of you! ! !

2. After I got a beautiful girlfriend, she once confessed to me that I gave her a cucumber for the first time. Seeing how candid she was, I told her, okay, I don't care, I will be there in the future. But one day, I suddenly discovered that there was a person named Cucumber in her mobile phone address book, and I was instantly stunned.

3. It happened when I was in the army. A comrade was a bit of a sissy and asked me to go to the toilet together. I just said directly, you are sick, you call me when you go to the toilet. This At that time, a fellow comrade from the same class called me, buddy, go to the toilet and smoke a cigarette (note: smoking is not allowed in the army recruit class). The poster immediately shook his body and felt so good, and then left the sissy alone in the wind. .

4. I took a shower with my husband. As soon as I took off my clothes, my husband said "haha" in surprise, and then started counting like a child who just learned to count, 1, 2,. I was curious and asked my husband what he was counting. My husband was surprised and said: I am counting the swimming rings on your body. Go away quickly, your math class is taught by your Chinese teacher, right? There are only three and one is missing for me.

5. A colleague was taking wedding photos, and the photographer said: Come on, handsome guy, put your hands in your pockets. My colleague put his hands into the pockets of his jacket

6. There was a roommate in the university who was very funny. He kept practicing long jump on the way to class in the afternoon, running with big leaps, and jumping again when he reached the corner of the building. , I only heard this sound when I split my thighs. What’s even funnier is that there are a few girls around the corner, I know each other, and finally I borrowed a classmate’s jacket and wrapped it up and went back to the dormitory

7. Just now, My seven-year-old son ran up to me: Dad, I just learned a poem called "Ode to Dad". Can I recite it to you? Me: Yeah! Can your son recite poems? I'm still praising my dad. Please recite it to my dad. Son: Dad, he has a thin neck and a big head. He doesn’t sleep well, wets the bed and talks in his sleep. Brat, don't run away, let's try out stick education.

8. Let’s talk about last night when LZ worked the night shift and had dinner with her colleagues. There was a goddess-level lady sitting next to her. She was too embarrassed to say hello. Suddenly, her colleague saw rice grains on the phone the goddess put on her lap. , and told me quietly, LZ suddenly said, "I'm full on top and hungry on the bottom." The goddess looked over and didn't say anything, no wonder I've been single.

9. My nephew is over two years old and loves to talk. One day I asked, uncle, why are you not married? I teased him and said, can you help your uncle find an aunt? He said yes, I went to the playground to find an aunt for my uncle. I heard tears welling up in my eyes. The little nephew was so sensible, and before he was over excited, he added that he would find an aunt for my uncle when I grow up. When you grow up, when you grow up, I cry even harder now.

10. One day my wife asked me: I finally sent my son to kindergarten, and it’s time for me to find a job. Please show me a bright road! Me: That’s easy to say, just go sweep the streets. Your sweeping skills are so good, the road you sweep must be the bright road!

11. Once, my roommate and her boyfriend went out to play. In the car, the roommate’s aunt came unexpectedly. Moreover, the roommate’s skirt was light-colored and turned red, so she hurriedly I asked my boyfriend for help. I wanted him to use his coat to block it, but...he picked up his roommate and shouted, "Honey, hold on!" ! We go to the hospital immediately. This child must be saved!

12. A best friend came to my house to play. She changed clothes in my room without closing the curtains. I quickly reminded her, but she said disapprovingly: I was changing clothes in your room, and even the person opposite saw it and thought it was you! Hey, how did I make such a good friend? Do you want us to end our friendship?

13. I saw a beautiful woman at a snack stall today. The beautiful woman asked: Does the boss lady have any paper? The beauty seemed to be in a hurry, and the boss lady was also generous. She took a few from the table and gave them to the beauty. The beauty quickly ran to the toilet next to her. I asked the boss lady in my heart, can you give toilet paper to the girl just like this after catching the pepper? I don’t know. What will happen if the girl comes out?

14. Husband: I heard that if you drink Meng Po soup after you die, you will forget me. Me: Then I don’t want to drink. Husband: Don’t you want to forget me? (Moved) Me: I will ask her to give me the biggest bowl.

15. I went to the park with a buddy on the weekend and saw a dog pooping. When my buddy passed by, the dog actually howled at him. My buddy was furious at that time: Damn it, what's your name, what's your name, how can I still steal your shit? When I heard my brother’s domineering words, I instantly felt that his back was taller

16. I went to the barber shop with my sister. Because my sister’s breasts were bigger, the barber shop guys rushed to wash her hair. I washed my hair. Why doesn't anyone come to grab my head? Damn, I also understand why the hair-washing recliner is designed like this. It’s not just for the comfort of customers.

17. The athlete was bedridden due to illness, and the team doctor took his temperature while he was sleeping. The athlete asked: How many degrees? The answer: Close to 40 degrees! The athlete asked again: How close is it to the world record?

18. On the way back to the company after shopping with my colleagues, a beautiful woman in front of me was walking in the middle of the road and making a phone call. She was in a hurry, as if she was looking for someone. A car behind us honked its horn and slowly stopped between us. The original poster took a look at K5! White! A colleague’s car! Just open the back door, sit down, and do it in one go! I will never forget the way the girl on the other side opened the door and looked at the owner and the co-pilot’s mother in horror with her cell phone in doubt!

19. I still remember that year, when I went to the station to pick up my wife, I cut my hair specially and wore a white shirt that I didn’t usually wear. When I arrived, I asked her in high spirits, “Daughter-in-law, look at my outfit, does it remind you of a certain era or youth?” My wife pointed at my chest: The story of the sloppy uncle? When I took a look, I saw a big lump of chili oil on it from somewhere. Where is the bicycle and white shirt promised to the seventeen-year-old? Why don't you let anyone be a hot-tempered nian?

20. In the office, the English teacher helped a student with learning difficulties improve his spoken English. The teacher first helped him practice oral conversations. Hello! As soon as the teacher said something, the boy opened his mouth and said: Kugou! Alas, I listen to too many songs online!

21. Someone in the group sent a red envelope, but they spontaneously grabbed it themselves.

Some people were very angry and said: No, how can you eat alone? I quickly agreed: Yes, spit it out quickly and let’s eat it together!

22. When I was in high school, my class teacher liked to check on people outside the window. One time, my classmate was playing with his mobile phone in class. It happened that the class teacher was making a phone call outside the window. When he saw his classmate, he rushed over and asked his classmate without saying a word. The cell phone at the table was pulled over and he yelled, asking you to play with it in class, but he threw his cell phone away. His deskmate looked messy, and the class teacher silently picked up his Nokia and installed the battery and case silently. .

23. I went swimming for the first time last summer. It turns out that the dressing room and lockers are not on the same floor. I changed into my swimsuit and put all my clothes in the closet. When I came back, I found that I couldn't find my underwear. Then I had no choice but to put on my pants and pretend that nothing happened. When I walked to the door, I heard that someone had picked up a pair of underwear, so I went to claim it. . Too embarrassed to go. I silently left that pair of underwear in the lost and found office. .

24. One time my girlfriend came to see me. I asked her to wait for me at a certain intersection. When I walked very close, she said she didn’t know the way. I told her to walk 100 meters in the direction where the sun sets, but she said: There is no sun today, I don't know how to walk! Oh my gosh, I was immediately impressed by her intelligence.

25. After self-study, I opened the door to the dormitory and found my roommate sleeping on my upper bunk. He was holding a flashlight to his ear in one hand and an ear spoon in the other. I asked him what he was doing. He said : Only by picking out your ears can you see clearly! Can you see clearly? Your eyes will be separated!

26. One day, while walking on the road, I encountered two people arguing. One person couldn't really defeat the other, so he said: I spit on your face. Another person instantly worshiped!

27. Last night I spent 10 yuan to buy more than a pound of mangoes (5.5 yuan per pound)~~~ When passing by the fruit stall downstairs in the community, the fruit seller asked: Did you buy this mango? How much? Tell her that she will make me live with her forever, saying that I made a loss! The result was put on the scale, and the price showed: 14.5 yuan! I said lightly: Didn't she lose weight in the past? I saw her green face messy in the wind. If she didn't seek death, she wouldn't die!

28. A few days ago, a friend gave birth to a son. Today I called her while walking on the road to ask about the situation. I asked her, do you have breast milk? Here comes the point. As soon as I finished speaking, a boy walked by me calmly, and I instantly felt ashamed to see anyone.

29. Let me tell you an interesting story. One day I was taking the bus from get off work, and there were two pretty women talking next to me. One of them said: Hey! Nowadays, men are getting more and more horny. They always surround me and annoy me. It’s really annoying. Another girl said: You are right. When I was at work, there were several men hanging around me almost every day, like flies that I couldn't get rid of. At this time, a child of about 2 years old opposite asked: Dad, what is a fly? Dad said: It’s those little bugs you see outside, wandering around garbage and shit.

30. I was on a plane with my colleagues. There was a four-seater in the middle, with two beauties next to me. My colleague got on and started pretending: Mr. It's my fault. I will do it right next time. With a slutty look on my face, I asked the flight attendant to bring me a blanket and then went to chat with the beautiful woman next to me. In order to cooperate with him, I kept talking for more than two hours and pretended to be deep. I didn’t say a word and missed a good opportunity. Now I think about it. I want to wear that grandson's so clever. There are so many times I really want to wear him. Popular funny quotes on the Internet

1. He is deaf to what is happening outside the window and only concentrates on reading e-books.

2. I looked for him thousands of times in the crowd, but when I suddenly looked back, that person still ignored me.

3. When we were in high school military training, the male coach who led us was very strict and was not allowed to ask for leave to rest. One day, when we were standing in the military position, a girl shouted: Report to the toilet, I want to go to the instructor. !It seems like this is the only leave approved by the instructor. It seems that you can’t get leave without resorting to ruthless tactics!

4. Since I met you, I feel that the world is really beautiful, because nothing is less beautiful than you.

5. Happiness is that although I didn’t listen in class, I found that no one who listened understood it.

6. No equation of love or equation of tears can compete with a mathematical equation.

7. He, surnamed Li, is a second-generation official and a son of a wealthy family. His father is well-known in China. He was a fast and unlicensed driver when he was young. He has an arrogant temper and is nicknamed the Silver Spear Bully. He hurts people when he doesn't agree with him. He bullied others many times but escaped punishment because of his family's influence. That's right! He is: Nezha!

8. There is a fill-in-the-blank question called "Not at all" and a multiple-choice question called "Look" It's all right when you wake up. There is a kind of calculation problem called crying while doing it, and there is a kind of word problem called getting up and falling apart.

9. The exam is determined by one-third of it and seven-tenth by hard work. There is nothing we can do about the remaining ninety points.

10. On the scene of "If You Are the One", a male guest said: Hello everyone, today I want to find someone who can hold hands with me for the rest of my life. I deal with land all day long (the lights are half off), and without high wages (the lights are half off again), I don’t want to buy a house (all the lights are off). Meng Fei said: Many people look down on farmers because they think they have low income and cannot afford a house. This is irrational! The male guest interrupted and said: I am not a farmer, I am a real estate developer.

11. The highest state of boredom is turning on the computer, pressing the phone, chewing snacks, and watching TV.

12. While eating today, my mother-in-law suddenly asked my husband: If your wife and I fell into the sea at the same time, who would you save first? Looking at the expectant eyes of my mother-in-law and me, my husband said lightly: I will die with you.

13. A typical sign of being single is that the one-month data plan has long been gone, and more than half of the call plan is left.

14. Whenever I face a lot of homework, I can’t help but want to sing: I am conquered by you and cut off all escape routes!

15. In fact, I am not stupid. , I'm just too lazy to be smart.

16. A white man went to a black area to give a campaign speech. In order to win the support of black voters, he blurted out during the speech: Although my skin is white, my heart is as black as yours.

17. When I have money, I will buy two lollipops, one for you to watch me eat, and the other for you to watch

18. Weather The heat is like a joke, and life is like nonsense.

19. Don’t mess with me, or I will make you die in a rhythmic manner.

20. I am not afraid of drinking dichlorvos, but I am afraid of thinking: Another bottle!

21. Some people are destined to wait for others, and some people are destined to be waited for.

22. There are two ways to pollute a place: use garbage, or use banknotes!

23. Only when there is a long queue can you truly realize that you are the descendant of the dragon. .

24. We had a small disagreement: she wanted me to turn dirt into gold, and I wanted her to regard gold as dirt!

25. Back then, if I didn’t go to college, I would be poor for the rest of my life, but now It's because I was poor immediately after going to college.

26. In the past: first-rate students went abroad, second-rate students took postgraduate entrance exams, and third-rate students got jobs.

27. Now: first-rate students are employed, second-rate students go abroad, and third-rate students take postgraduate entrance examinations.

28. Customers are not God, customers are just fooled.

29. It is not scary to meet a group of rogues on the Internet, but the scary thing is to encounter a bunch of rogue software.

30. Children regard toys as friends, and adults regard friends as toys.

31. People always want the ghosts and gods to know when they do good things, and they always think the ghosts and gods don’t know when they do bad things. We make it too difficult for the ghosts.

32. Advertising is to tell others that their money can still be spent in this way.

33. The attitude towards intellectuals marks the degree of civilization of a nation, while the attitude towards workers and peasants tests the conscience of the nation.

34. Asking you how much sorrow you can have is like a eunuch going to a brothel!

35. Brother, I will throw a brick first, and if there is jade, just throw it over.

36. If being rich is also a mistake, then I would rather make the same mistake again and again.

37. Life is nothing more than making others smile, and occasionally making others smile.

38. Love is not a refuge. If you want to take refuge there, you will be kicked out.

39. Women like men who feel secure; men are often attracted to women who lack security.