Everyone says that marriage is a matter between husband and wife. But little attention is paid to how the children who are mixed between those couples feel. For those people, children may be excellent scapegoats, resenters and burdens.
When I was a child, one of the most vicious words I ever heard was, "Why are you just like your father?"
Because my real father, in her description, is a man who almost eats, drinks, whores and gambles. Such a person is selfish and doesn't take care of things when she is in confinement, so that she should be self-reliant when she is in confinement; It was when they finally divorced that they asked my mother for money in exchange for my custody.
I was brought up by my mother. Because some of my characteristics, such as personality, are more like my own father, my mother is very strict with me. In addition to the so-called reasons for wanting to succeed, there is also hope that I will become a good boy. However, my nature is "anti-bone", which leads to repeated failures in her education. To this end, I got the sentence "How do you look just like your father".
My mother is actually a nice person. After all, most of the time she didn't say much about my real father, except when I was poor. So I learned a lot of things that my own father did not do very well. This not only makes me feel inferior, but also vaguely disappointed at the beginning of marriage.
many years later, my mother met her second husband. I guess I was the last one to know, or I found it by accident. Then I jokingly asked my mother why she didn't tell me, for fear that I wouldn't agree. My mother said, it doesn't matter whether you tell me or not, there is no need to ask my permission.
at that time, I just laughed silly and didn't say much. If I could travel back, I would probably remind myself that this marriage can't be good.
a lot of things happened later, which proved this point unintentionally.
For example, this man once said with a smile that "a wife is no different from a nanny". Before he said this, he probably read the article about an American man who cheated on a China woman and took her to the United States to work as a cleaner for his own property, thus saving a lot of money.
For another example, my mother spoke ill of me a few times, and he has always been the regulator after doing things to win the favor. And when I was scolded by the dog, I chose to hide in the room without making any noise.
.......
Some people may say that he didn't mean it, or it's not easy for him to come forward and deal with things between my mother and me. However, this unintentional statement has now been verified; It is not easy to deal with because he is used to avoiding things.
My mother worked late, and he retired long ago. But he never does any housework and likes to make a mess of the house. As long as you need money, yell at my mother and force her to pay it out; And in many things, even if he really made a mistake, I didn't see what he was capable of except yelling and pushing the pot.
in this kind of marriage, what kind of marriage can I see? I can't see anything except selfishness, ignorance, nausea, etc. I am even afraid that if I really choose to get married in the future, will I unfortunately choose this type of man? And if I give birth to a child, will I treat the child as my mother did to me?
I don't know. So, I choose to give up.
when the contradiction between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law appears, I feel like an outsider!
We fell in love freely until we got married. My parents didn't agree to this marriage at first. I don't have a problem with my husband, but my mother-in-law. My mother-in-law is a famous strong woman, and everything at home is up to her.
We are not far from each other, so my parents know my mother-in-law's personality and temper, so they strongly disagree, fearing that I will suffer indignities after I get married.
But at that time, I was carried away by love, and I had to marry, so I didn't get angry with my family. Later, I got married as I wanted, and I got along well at first. At least I gave all my heart to them.
The beginning of the contradiction is that after the baby was born, the husband worked for his family to get the money back. Every month, even the money for the baby's milk powder was tight (there was no big expense when there was no baby before). After telling the mother-in-law, people didn't give a penny, but pushed everything on to the husband, telling me that if I had no money, I would ask my husband to let him take it from home. Because the business I was doing at that time didn't make much money, I didn't have any extra money for us to spend, so I wanted my husband to go out and find a job by himself. My mother-in-law was crying and crying to death when she knew this idea, but her husband couldn't help it, so she continued to work at home.
There are more and more contradictions between my husband and me. Every time I have no money, I have to dig money out of his hand and give him three or five hundred dollars at a time. Since then, I feel regret getting married. People's parents know the reason why we are angry and don't turn a blind eye. Since then, they have felt disappointed in marriage. They have to continue to insist on it for the sake of the baby.
Ask me when I am disappointed in marriage, not because of the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, not because of emotional problems, but because he brought you endless foreign debts and could not solve the most helpless time. I really care about the debt problem only when I am most anxious ...
Tell me about my previous experience.
When I first met him, he was my subordinate, and I only felt that he was tall, handsome and sunny. I was not the kind of person who fell in love at first sight. I didn't talk about love once since I was a child, until I got to know him at graduation, and I gradually found him interesting, kind and careful, and naturally came together. At that time, I felt.
The first time I felt that he was short of money, I felt that he always wore a dress back and forth. At that time, I didn't think about giving him a suit as a gift for starting a relationship. He said that this was the first time he received a dress from a girl, and I was extremely happy, and I didn't think much about it.
The second time I felt that he was short of money, we talked for three months. He said that he sold mobile phones as an agent, but it turned out to be all fakes, and he needed money to compensate the person who bought his mobile phone. I gave him the money from the overdraft credit card without saying anything.
The third time he was short of money, he told the accident, crashed his boss's car, and wanted to pay for his money. I overdrawn the money from another credit card for the second time.
In this only love, I admit that I chose to trust and support him without principle, so that I personally pushed my originally peaceful and comfortable life to hell! After the marriage, he still wanted to do business, and he couldn't stop it. He indulged in owing money again and again with the help of his parents. In the end, he owed so much that his parents couldn't stop him, and we had to run around miserably. For him, I borrowed money from my relatives and friends and offended almost all my former friends. This love is really humble and blind, and it has no principle. I have lost myself in my eyes.
I gave myself hope again and again, and I was disappointed again and again, which made me understand that I really couldn't save him. I didn't stop him or persuade him, but I couldn't persuade him in the end. He was dreaming, and I really became a behind-the-scenes pusher.
In fact, owing money or something is not the reason why I am disappointed in my marriage. The only reason is that I worked hard at first to make money and pay off my debts. When a debtor comes to me, he will only say what to do, only regret that I am wrong, and only painfully say that I am dead and don't look for me. . . Every time, no matter how much love, it will be exhausted. . . No matter how blind you are, you will stop without principles. . . Maybe God is trying to persuade me again and again. If I don't let go, I'll have a bigger dream. I can only surrender and bow to fate. . .
Qian Zhongshu once said that marriage is a besieged city. People outside the city want to go in, and people in the city want to come out. But many of my girlfriends, whether married or unmarried, no longer have much hope for marriage. More and more people delay their marriage age, and their interest in marriage is gradually decreasing.
What has reduced our interest and enthusiasm for marriage? Why do more and more women not want to get married?
Psychology: Marriage Choice
1. Fear of deprivation of freedom in marriage
Many women believe that life after marriage can no longer be free. In the past, life was carefree, but in marriage, it faced invisible pressure.
The traditional female role, the so-called good wife and good mother, is to make more women afraid that chores will overwhelm them and keep housework. In the past, women pursued their wives and mothers, but now more women pursue themselves.
Empress Focha in Yanxi's strategy knows the truth, but how painful it is for her to be depressed. She gradually lost herself and became a sad role in marriage, no longer a follower of women.
Women are more eager for love's respect. If they get married, men still imagine that in the past, married women were shopkeepers and no longer managed their marriage carefully. When they got married, women sometimes had to deal with not only heavy housework, but also many family relationships that needed to be balanced. Women once considered these complicated relationships, which would delay the age of marriage and even choose to get married.
In a sense, many modern women are disappointed in marriage. Essentially, some men are disappointed in their marriage attitude and behavior. They need a lover to support each other, not just to be a man's nanny and mother and take care of their own lives.
If men can treat each other in a more mature way in marriage, women will have more wishes, and women's role in love will become more and more harsh. Once they find the ideal partner, they will immediately end their single state, that is, they will marry the past and have more marriages. It is a completely different attitude.
psychology: marriage choice
2. Women are more economically independent and less dependent on men
Secondly, women don't want to get married because they are more economically independent, which brings higher quality to marriage. I see that more and more women in the world are no longer willing to marry for love.
They thank me for making the bread. You can give me love. The desire to love is better than to marry yourself. In essence, with the improvement of women's economic status, women's demands for equal roles in marriage life are getting higher and higher, and they prefer to give consideration to both career and family.
Take care of your work, children, family and friends. These burdens often overwhelm modern women. These are all factors that affect the quality of their marriage. If you don't get your partner's timely support in this process, it will deprive them of their hope for their partner and reduce their desire for marriage.
Psychology: Marriage Choice
3. Women have more choices, and marriage is only one of them.
If women have never been married in the past, they often feel lonely. But with the expansion of life circle, more and more women feel that life choices can be more diversified.
women can choose to get married or not to get married. Women can choose to have children or not to have children. This freedom makes women more responsible for themselves, and also makes women understand that life is their own, and living a high-quality life is our best attitude towards life.
It seems that women don't like entering marriage, but in essence, it is the awakening of women's self-awareness. This kind of consciousness drives women to take the dominant position in their own lives, no longer completely transferring the right to happiness to marriage, and no longer completely believing that happiness is decided by another person.
They will spend more time to improve themselves and make their lives more meaningful and valuable. I once had a girlfriend who was not married at the age of 34, but she said she never felt lonely. She likes to write lyrics. She loves life very much. Although she is single, she is not depressed. Her circle of friends and daily programs are colorful.
Women are disappointed in marriage and don't want to get married. In fact, women are more about spiritual awakening and returning. It is on the diversified road of exploring happiness. Maybe women are beginning to understand what we are pursuing, marriage or happiness itself? The deeper they think about these issues, the more mature and rational they will face any choice. When they choose to get married, the happier and more mature they will be.
Disappointment with marriage is gradually accumulated. It's a lot of small things. After years of small disappointment, it accumulates little by little to great disappointment until despair. There are mainly the following aspects.
First, the other person didn't give me emotional care, and there was no emotional communication and interaction at all, so I didn't feel that I was still loved. I don't care about children, and I have little interaction with them. Completely ignore my emotional needs and those of my children. So emotionally, I no longer need him to love us.
Second, I was not taken care of in my life, as if he was only responsible for his work, and everything else was my business. Change light bulbs, dig sewers, decorate all kinds, you ask him for help, and he says you can do it yourself. Disputes with outsiders require negotiation and consultation. He said that you didn't listen to my advice at the beginning, and now you are in such trouble. You solve it yourself. In a word, in this family, I am a woman and a man, and I am a superman. So I don't need his help or advice on everything at home.
third, it doesn't help financially. The two places are separated and have been using their own money. Because the child lives with me, I am responsible for the expenses of the child. When the money is not enough, I ask him for help. His attitude makes me feel humiliated. I asked him for help several times and asked him for money to change my credit card. He said, whoever brushed it will return it. Many times, I stood by when I needed help. So I stopped taking money from him.
these three aspects have turned my small disappointment into a big disappointment. But I still struggled for two years, suffering for two years, going to various marriage courses and reading various marriage psychology books. What finally defeated me made me completely desperate and made up my mind to give up this marriage. It was when I was sick that I was really, really uncomfortable. Ask him to help pass the water and get the medicine. He refused and was indifferent. He thought I was pretending to be sick. I stayed up watching TV the day before, so I was lazy to pretend to be sick. He said I deserved it. This incident is the last straw that crushed my marriage.
what are you getting married for?
for me, marriage is essentially a cooperative relationship. Because from then on, food, clothing, housing and transportation, daily necessities, and counting birthdays. However, it's been 12 years since we got married in 27. Because of family of origin, this family has gone to death.
It takes not 12 years to see a person clearly, and everything is in pursuit of perfection, in order to give children a complete home. However, all these years of persistence are wrong. Children grow up in cold domestic violence again and again. For children, there is no environment where dad loves mom, mom loves dad, and mom and dad love children. This home is a stagnant pool. Instead of making the family seem complete, it is better to end it.
Every parting is a cocoon-breaking pain, and at the same time, every parting is a butterfly's joy.
Life is a process of parting.
when he quarreled, he mentioned how much I spent on him.
Every time we quarrel, we have to turn over old scores and figure out how much to give me and how much I spent on what I bought. Barabara keeps talking.
The pattern of men has reached such a level that there is no love at all, so they resolutely choose to divorce.
regardless of men and women, if you care too much and have no pattern, you will eventually ruin your marriage.