Everyone inevitably encounters many "crucial conversation" moments in his or her life. For example, talk to your boss about promotion and salary increase, make peace with friends who have been hurt by you, discuss sensitive topics with your spouse, talk about serious study with your children, etc.

Faced with these conversations that are difficult to resolve but have a significant impact on our lives, most of them are helpless, hold back, and allow the situation to develop in a direction that is unfavorable to them. Or make things worse by getting angry and saying things you'll regret later.

If there is a set of scientific and effective speaking logic, things will be much easier to handle.

Let’s look at an example first.

One day, as soon as the husband entered the house, he found that his wife was in a bad mood. Her eyes were red and swollen, and she had obviously just cried. The wife looked directly at the man angrily, as if to say: "How dare you do this to me!" It turned out that the wife suspected that he was having an extramarital affair.

Why would a wife conclude that her husband is cheating? It turned out that when she was checking her credit card bill today, she discovered that her husband had made an expense at a motel not far from home.

She suddenly became suspicious: Why did her husband stay in a hotel so close to home? Why don't you know this? All came to the above conclusion.

How will the wife discuss this issue with her husband next? Yes, she will probably say nasty things and accuse the other person. This is what most people do.

"I can't believe you would do this to me!" The wife was obviously hurt.

"What's wrong with me?" The husband was confused.

“You know what I’m talking about!”

The husband knew it was not a good thing and felt uneasy, “What’s wrong? I don’t know what you are talking about?”

"How can that bill prove that I had an extramarital affair?" The husband looked confused.

"This is a motel bill, stop pretending! You must have taken a woman to fool around. I can't believe you would do this to me!"

If the wife is 100% If it is certain that the husband is having an extramarital affair, then the above conversation is understandable. But the problem is that the wife's evidence cannot stand up to scrutiny, and her conclusion is nothing more than a subjective guess. So, what should she do?

When faced with very sensitive, controversial, and difficult conversations, conversation masters usually do this: say all their inner thoughts, try to maintain a safe atmosphere in the conversation, and guide the other party to listen to their opinions and make decisions. Respond positively.

In other words, be 100% honest and 100% respectful.

If your wife's goal is to discuss this sensitive issue in a healthy conversation, she should keep the conversation going until she confirms or dispels her suspicions. This means that no matter how much you doubt the other person, you can’t lose respect for them, and you can’t undermine the safe atmosphere of the conversation with threats or accusations.

Before the conversation, look at yourself and think about what your true purpose is. Control your thoughts and therefore your excited emotions. Then use the following set of logic to learn to control key conversations in five steps.

· Share the facts. · Speak your mind. · Ask for the other person’s perspective. · Make tentative statements. · Encourage experimentation.

Step 1: Describe the facts and make the facts clear.

If it is based on the facts, the wife will stop thinking about the worst: Maybe this is not what I thought. Why don't I start a calm conversation with the other party starting from the bill? Then she won't start with a subjective conclusion when she opens her mouth. Instead, she will describe the fact that she discovered the bill, which not only provides a safe starting point for the conversation, but also allows her husband to understand why she has such thoughts.

Why start with the facts? Because facts are always easier to accept than judgments.

First, facts are the least controversial content. For example, "You were 20 minutes late for work yesterday." This sentence is uncontroversial because it is a fact. But if you say "You are an unpunctual person." This is just your personal judgment, and this expression is more like a personal attack, which can easily lead to disputes.

Secondly, facts are the most convincing content. If you want to persuade someone, don't start with your personal opinions, but present the facts. Starting from the facts is not about persuading the other party to accept our point of view, but rather in an effective way so that the other party can listen carefully to our point of view.

Before having a critical conversation, it’s a good idea to take the time to think carefully and distinguish between facts and personal conclusions. It can be said that gathering facts is the necessary preparation for starting critical conversations.

Third, facts are the least offensive content. Before we understand the truth, our ideas, especially those that easily lead to sensitive and dangerous conclusions, can easily surprise and disgust the other party. An imprecise expression may make the security of the conversation disappear. For example:

A: "I want to talk to you about leadership issues, but you always make things difficult for me on purpose. You are driving me crazy."

B: " What? I just asked if the work could be completed on time, but you actually said that I..." Starting from the facts means objectively describing the course of events. You must first list the facts and then present an opinion based on the facts. At the same time, pay attention to the way you express it to show that this is just an opinion of yours and you hope to get a response. For example:

A: "Since I entered the company, you have to see me once a day. You have no such requirement for other colleagues. Moreover, you also asked me to share my ideas first before starting. Work. [State the facts]

A: "I'm not sure if I'm right, but I feel like you don't trust me. Maybe you think I am not qualified for this job, or you are worried that I will cause trouble for you, is that right? "[Propose possible opinions]

B: "Oh, I just want to put forward some personal suggestions before you go to work, I have no other ideas..."

Step 2: Confidence Speak your thoughts clearly and use contrastive explanations.

Even if you start from facts and transition from facts to ideas, the other party may still be resistant to expressing your thoughts.

First, you should act confidently. Although it is difficult to judge or evaluate other people's actions, the more likely it is to think about why you are stating your thoughts. Exciting opinions require more confidence to express, and this confidence comes from a reasonable conclusion after you fully understand the facts.

Secondly, don't accumulate problems for a long time. In the heart, once we encounter the right opportunity, we will vent all unpleasant conclusions at once. This is the same as suppressing emotions. The more suppressed we are, the easier it is to explode at a certain moment. And this will only make it easier. Conversations are even worse.

Third, pay attention to safety issues. When presenting your own ideas, watch for signs that your sense of security is being violated. If the other person becomes very defensive or angry, we must pause. Conversation, use the contrast method to eliminate misunderstandings and rebuild a safe atmosphere.

The contrast method is to state your true purpose from the pros and cons. Take asking your boss for a salary increase as an example: "I do. Hoping for a raise. My purpose is to receive relatively fair treatment so that I can continue to make greater contributions in the company. I don't want you to think that I only care about money. ”

Step 3: Ask for the other person’s point of view and let the other person finish.

After we have stated the facts and opinions, it is time to encourage the other person to respond. Encourage them to state Observe the facts, thoughts and feelings, and then listen carefully to understand the other person's views on the problem. When you learn more information, don't forget to subjectively give up or change your previous wrong ideas.

The key to talking about sensitive topics is to find a balance between confidence and humility, which means we should be confident enough in stating the facts and expressing our opinions while encouraging the other person to speak their mind. , we should show enough humility.

Step 4: Make tentative statements without being humble or arrogant.

We should be very careful when describing facts and ideas, especially when speaking. In terms of expression, we need to be careful with our words and be humble and open, because our goal is to promote the free exchange of opinions on both sides, not to force the other party to agree with us.

If we act too tough, the other person will feel that you are hostile, and the conversation will most likely become your one-man show.

Always present statements in a tentative, non-arbitrary manner. For example:

"I'm curious why..." "Maybe you didn't realize..." "I personally think..."

Learn to find a balance between confidence and humility . We express it like this:

Change "The fact is..." to "I think..." Change "Obviously..." to "I wonder whether..."

Don’t be tough, but don’t be weak either. Weakness is a sign of lack of confidence and makes you appear nervous. The most appropriate way to express it is neither humble nor arrogant. To better understand the difference between these three expressions, take a look at the following example.

Too weak: "This may be my fault, but..." Too tough: "Okay, you can't even believe me!" Neither humble nor arrogant: "I don't think you did this on purpose. But I really feel that we don’t interact enough on this issue.”

Step 5: Encourage attempts and create a safe atmosphere.

When asking the other party to express their opinions, you should not only encourage them to speak, but also express an attitude that no matter how different their opinions are from your own, we are willing to listen. The other person needs this sense of security.

If you observe hesitation, make it clear that you want to hear their point of view and encourage them to express a different perspective. You can say:

"I want to hear your thoughts" "I want to hear your honest opinions and suggestions for me."

When encouraging the other person, you Your words and attitude must be sincere and reflect the feeling of "I'd love to hear your opinion." For example, "I know everyone has different opinions on this matter. Can we talk to each other?" Don't make it sound like a threat. For example, "This is my opinion. Does anyone have any objections?"

Sometimes, even though you actively encourage the other person to express their disagreement, they just won't. You can set an example and get others to participate. For example, encourage the other party in a self-denying way, "Maybe my opinion is wrong. What if the situation is exactly the opposite of what I said? Could it be..."

In short, you must work hard to make every effort. Try to encourage them, and keep doing it until they truly feel your willingness to communicate.

To handle key conversations well, there are two unshakable principles: First, be clear about the purpose of your conversation, and don’t be carried away by emotions or irrelevant content. The second is to always maintain a sense of security during the conversation. When the other party becomes angry or silent, suspend the conversation and create a sense of security as the first priority.

The next time you encounter a critical conversation, try the five steps above. Maybe you will find many positive new changes in your life.

Note: The above opinions and cases are from the book "Crucial Conversations".

Xiajiujiu: A native of Xiamen University, a working mother of two, a brand director of a listed company, a headline-signing author, and a writing coach. She has published "Hold on, and you will eventually become a better version of yourself." 》.