The famous psychotherapist Scott Peck once said:

"Only by making appropriate changes and constantly improving personality and mind can we shoulder the responsibility of being a parent."

Being a parent is not only a change of identity, but also a marathon of self-correction. Only by constantly improving yourself, rather than rushing to shape your children, can you gradually assume the responsibility of being a parent.

However, not every parent has a sense of growth, so that too many parents are passive and only know how to solve their children's problems, but do not seek the root of the problems.

Not every parent is competent from the beginning, but in the constant pursuit, step by step towards maturity.

There are four levels of parenting:

The first floor is willing to spend money for children, emphasizing material support for children;

The second layer is willing to spend time to satisfy him emotionally;

The third layer is willing to learn for children, and * * * has made progress;

The fourth level is to achieve children and be willing to make changes.

What floor are you on?

The first floor; The second floor

Willing to spend money for children and attach importance to material education.

Many parents are willing to spend money for their children, thinking that this is responsible for their children.

Children are willing to meet anything as long as they speak, provide food, clothing, housing and transportation, and give everything the best.

Various interest classes, some children from other families, don't fall behind at home, and more importantly, get a sad school district.

However, material accumulation does not make a good education.

Children don't get the concept of money. If they are content with material things, they will not cherish it, understand that it is not easy for their parents to make money, and learn to be grateful.

If parents value material satisfaction, it is difficult for children to learn to pursue spiritual wealth, and it is easy to become vain and poor at heart.

Secondly, signing up for a large number of interest classes is often out of parents' wishes, not children's love.

I remember in The Tale of Teenagers, there was a little boy named Zhou Zihao. He was timid and nervous, but he got up the courage to spit out his mother in public.

Zihao doesn't understand why his mother has signed up for as many as 12 interest classes, olympiad, calligraphy and so on. Even many interest classes, she can't even name them.

Zihao hopes that his mother will lighten the burden and have time to rest.

Mom has signed up for so many interest classes, and children really seldom like them. Forcing him to study is not only ineffective, but also "steals" the children's precious childhood.

When parents report to classes according to their own wishes, children who are forced to study will feel wronged, unable to understand, unable to express their wishes freely, and easily alienated from their parents.

Providing children with material conditions cannot be equated with love, emphasizing material and educational forms, but lacking the companionship of love. Children are in a state of emotional deprivation, and their psychological growth often lags behind.

Meeting children's psychological and emotional needs is more important than providing good material conditions.

second floor

Willing to spend time for children to meet emotional needs.

A child is a small tree, and the company of his parents is the soil where he takes root.

Spending time with children to meet their emotional needs is to input growth nutrients to their hearts.

Children who grow up with their parents' company and attention have full sense of security and confidence in the sunshine. On the contrary, the heart is easy to be uneasy and has more negative energy.

Wang Tao once recalled his growing experience in the diary of his freshman year.

When I was a child, my father focused on his career and paid little attention to himself.

He complained that his father didn't care about himself, but everyone around him was sure that his father loved him.

But Wang Tao never realized his father's love, only remembering that his father played with him once.

Wang Tao revealed that his personality is gloomy and he has more negative energy, which has a lot to do with his father's absence.

Many parents have the heart to love their children, but they pay little attention to their children and accompany them, so that love cannot be effectively conveyed. If children don't feel love, they will feel insecure and complain and resent their parents.

"The Road Few People Walk" wrote:

Parents must spend enough time with their children. Parents' attention means companionship and attention. The more attention, the higher the quality of attention.

Children who lack the companionship of love will become "psychological orphans".

Spend time with your children and concentrate, not "physically separate".

Maybe you don't have much time to spend with your child, but you can pay attention to it piecemeal, take time out of your busy schedule to call your child and let him know that you miss him all the time.

Before recess, take a few minutes to appreciate the child's paintings, give sincere praise and advice, or have a heart-to-heart talk and hug with him.

Parents don't spend enough time with them, but if they know his personality, preferences and living habits like the back of their hands and give positive feedback when problems arise, children can still feel love and satisfaction.

Children who lack the companionship of love are often full of neglected loneliness and even become psychological orphans.

Spending time with a child is an investment in his future. The higher the quality of companionship, the greater the future gains.

Third layer

Willing to learn for children, * * * has made progress.

Being a parent for the first time, there is too much panic.

A year ago, I found I couldn't "teach" her.

She can build blocks, but her little hands can't do fine movements. Often she can't build it well, so she throws away the building blocks and cries. I instinctively said, "Don't worry, do something …".

As soon as the words fell, I was inspired. My message is "don't solve problems with emotions, use methods", but did I do it?

I am a person who is used to solving problems with emotions. I control others with negative emotions, make others feel pressure with sharp eyes and deliberate uncooperative actions, and choose to be forced to follow me.

But now, I am teaching children not to solve problems with emotions?

There are more and more such moments, and I panicked and began to reflect on myself. Do I want to be a mother who only wants children, not children?

Does this kind of education really work for children?

No, I want to be a qualified mother.

From 2065438 to 2007, I went back to Chinese Academy of Sciences to study for two years as a master of psychology.

Because I know that to raise a child, you must first raise yourself, and a good mother can raise a good child.

The "marriage and family counselor" certified by the Chinese Academy of Sciences has also been exposed to a large number of actual family cases.

I have more thoughts and feelings about how to raise children better. I decided to write them into a book to benefit more parents.

So, the book "Mom knows what to do" came out.

Later, I received feedback from many mothers and learned more about the existence of "learning mothers".

Some of them are just pregnant, some children are a few years old, and some are only a few months old. In the book, they saw the shadows of themselves and their children and found the answers to their doubts.

Some mothers even burst into tears when they read this. ...

These are all gifts that I have earned through my own efforts, which have helped thousands of families and realized my self-worth. I am very happy.

Parents should grow up with their children, not just genetic parents.

Parents become parents and raise their children according to their own feelings, but many times they feel that they are unreliable. With rich life experience education, no matter how rich their experience is, there are limitations, and it is even more difficult for their children to adapt to the fragmentary information of the owner's "westernization".

Raising children in this way often pays a lot, but it can't get good results, and it also delays the growth of children.

But if parents are willing to learn from many aspects, whether it is attending classes, reading books or attending training, etc.

Strive to be a better parent, be able to understand the child's growth law, understand and meet his psychological needs, and know how to better guide him, so as to raise a child with a strong heart, and at the same time expand himself and get a more perfect self.

Willing to learn for children is to seize the opportunity of self-growth and provide a fertile ground for children's growth.

Fourth layer

Willing to change for the child and achieve him.

Ceci Goff, an education expert and psychological counselor, said: "The reason why we become parents is not to ask us to write about our children's lives, but to purify our hearts and let us completely change ourselves."

Educating children is parents' self-education. Instead of pursuing shaping and changing children, change yourself first.

The story of "Walking with Snails" goes like this:

God asked me to take a snail for a walk, but the snail was too slow. I destroyed it, frightened it and blamed it, but the snail tried his best. I pulled, I pulled, and even wanted to kick it. The snail was injured, sweating and panting, and crawled forward. ...

There's nothing I can do. I let it go, but I smelled the flowers, felt the breeze, and heard insects and birds singing. It turns out it's so beautiful here.

Education is like this. Parents ask their children to keep up with themselves, but he is still so slow and tries his best. Parents blame and even beat and scold, so the children have to struggle forward with injuries, but it is still difficult to meet the requirements.

But if parents put their children down, slow down and follow their children's steps in turn, they find that parenting is so beautiful and has unexpected gains.

Parents change their requirements in order to give their children freedom and conform to their nature, so that their growth can be more complete without restrictions and constraints.

Willing to change yourself for the sake of children is to achieve children.

Li Zhongying, the author of Comprehensive Skills of Parent-child Relationship, said: "The only thing parents have to do is to cultivate their children's ability to take care of their own lives."

Give time attention and companionship to meet children's emotional needs. At the same time, parents are willing to learn and progress with their children, and they can also change themselves to achieve their children. He has enough psychological energy and the ability to face the storm of life bravely, so that life can radiate more light.

What floor are you on as a parent?

Wang Xiaoqian

Famous host, parenting education expert, founder of "Wang Xiaoqian's Parent-child Theory", "Marriage and Family Consultant of Institute of Psychology, Chinese Academy of Sciences", love promotion ambassador of "Family Growth Plan" of China Women's Foundation, and expert consultant of "Caring for the Future" family early education public welfare project. In-depth study of self, family system and children's development law, and constantly explore practical and operable children's parenting concepts and family solutions. Because of the practice in the field of family education and strong sense of mission and practicality, it has been trusted by millions of parents.