In intimate relationships, a very troublesome problem for people is cold violence.

The question we have to think about is what does cold violence represent?

Do cold-blooded people really not care about anything?

What kind of relationship is more likely to fall into cold violence?

What wrong things have we done that will make the other party more cold and violent?

People who actively choose to use cold violence and people who are treated with cold violence have different psychological states.

Let’s first look at what characteristics do people who actively engage in cold violence have?

People who actively choose cold violence almost all have the same characteristic, that is, they put pain behind them.

What is pain postposition?

It’s like taking anesthesia during surgery. There will be no pain during the operation, but the pain will start after the anesthesia wears off, leaving the pain behind.

So people who actively choose cold violence do not have no pain, but their pain coping mode is to give themselves a lot of anesthetics. It is not that they have no feelings, but that they make others think that they have no feelings, making themselves look relaxed and relaxed. Will not crash.

And he was struggling to control himself.

But overall, he is still very sensitive, that is, he will run away when encountering problems or conflicts.

You can imagine a picture, like a little duck paddling on the water. The body seems to be motionless on the water, but the feet below the water keep sliding.

For example, a wife will not actively solve the problem when there is a conflict or quarrel, but will only wait for her husband to coax her. Basically, she chooses to escape completely.

Painkillers use cold violence. When her husband divorces and leaves him one day, her pain slowly comes out, and all kinds of regrets and remorseful emotions emerge.

Those who use cold violence seem to have chosen an iceberg to carry on their bodies, placing themselves at the bottom of the iceberg. What kind of iceberg is this?

Speaking of icebergs, we must first mention the iceberg model proposed by an American family therapist (VIRGINIA SATIR).

This iceberg model explains the meaning and driving force behind each person's external behavior.

Underneath the external behavior, there are actually many parts that we cannot see,

including

coping methods: that is, blaming, pleasing, reasoning or clown.

Emotions: joy, anger, sadness, joy, and fear.

Perspective: that is, personal views, understanding and interpretation.

Expectations: that is, expectations in the heart, expectations for others or oneself.

Desires: People have some innate desires deep in their hearts, such as lovers, Be loved, respected, accepted, have freedom, live meaningfully, etc.

So when the other party uses cold violence against you, he is actually pressing himself under a huge iceberg. At this time, the other party's cold violence may also trigger your cold violence in return. It is that both sides have carried an iceberg on their backs and pressed themselves underneath.

If something happens again at this time, such as an affair...then these icebergs will continue to thicken, and the distance between the two people will become farther and farther.

People who are treated with cold violence

Those who are treated with cold violence can also use a metaphor to say that they are excluded from the iceberg.

In the past, if you wanted to eliminate cold violence, you would want to take a hammer and keep hitting the iceberg, but the coldness of the iceberg can make people feel shattered.

According to the observations of psychologists, the psychological state of people who are treated with cold violence can roughly go through four stages:

1. The confusion period

2. Fear period

3. Chaos period

4. Self-integration period

1. Confusion period

Because things happened so unexpectedly Very suddenly, maybe before you can figure out what happened, the other person starts to have no reaction to you at all, or even runs away from home and doesn't see each other at first.

There is a huge contrast between the impression the other party left on you at first and now, which will make you feel very depressed, but also helpless.

Do you feel unreasonable and confused? Do you think the matter is so serious?

Gradually, I began to wonder if I had really done something wrong.

Second, fear chess

After being cold-violated, you will start to be very afraid, fearing that the relationship will be severed and you will be abandoned. It seems that the relationship has been sentenced to death. And he didn’t even know how he died.

At this time, if your close relationship attachment type happens to be anxious attachment type, then the feeling of broken relationship will be even more profound.

Even if you can still see him and hear his voice, you will still feel heartbroken because he ignores you.

3. The chaotic period

In the chaotic period, there are all kinds of thoughts in the mind, and they are completely opposite thoughts that are fighting with each other.

You wonder, if this is how he handles things, then what else am I going to keep him for? Why do you think you should abuse yourself like this?

But I am actually quite reluctant to let go, because we have good memories in the past. What if he gets better again after a while? Should I wait, but when? Okay?

And what should I do if what I wait for is not what I want?

There are all kinds of speculations in your mind. At this time, you will also have various impulsive behaviors, such as checking your mobile phone, stalking the other person, and asking whether he is having an affair.

Doing a lot of pulling and pulling behaviors that are actually detrimental to the relationship, I begin to doubt the relationship between the two people, and even begin to doubt life.

This is also the most uncomfortable period of cold violence.

If you are at this stage now, I would like to say that your reactions are normal. Please accept yourself first and don't criticize yourself too harshly or scold yourself.

Of course, this period is also the stage when the relationship is most likely to end, because most people will be too painful to accept it, so they can only break up or divorce.

But if you get some help at this moment, whether it's a professional helping you sort out your emotions, or starting to take a gender relationship communication course, it may be an opportunity to break the ice in the relationship.

So at this time, don’t give up too quickly, because you have a good chance of entering the final stage.

Four. Self-integration period

Self-integration means that you will calm down. It may be the result of your own learning and growth, or a coach or consultant can help you sort yourself out. With a deep understanding of relationships and yourself, you can be clearer and more consistent about your future direction.